I love Mondays!

I love Mondays.. really I do. I know most people hate Mondays because they have to leave the weekends. Because they have to resume work, because they have to start school, because they have to endure another week of work or school. But I love Mondays because all of that! Haha.. I know people will hate me for this.

Ever since I am a stay at home mom or a domestic goddess or whatever you want to call me, I love Mondays. My weekends are always full of activities, things to do, places to go, people to meet. I hardly have my chill out time - meaning - I have no rest. Not that I rests on weekdays but I do allocate some time for me.. some me time be it 10 mins or one hour or more (most likely 1 hour is usually the most I get!) Come Sunday night I kinda get excited knowing that Monday is just a few hours away and I will have my quiet moment soon.

Regardless, though I have my break on weekdays, my work around the house goes on and on. While the working people have their days off, I have none. I only have my "little" chill out time when others are at work or school. The quiet time that I always look forward to, means just hanging around the house doing nothing or watch TV or read a good book (though sometimes I wish I was away somewhere, at the spa or roaming around some beautiful city) But still, on top of that I have this little timer in my head reminding me what to do next.

Today is rather a great Monday. A great start of the week by me being the lawn mower man in the morning (thanks to the powerful Black and Decker technology!) cook later, then driver to the kids to and from school. Last week I was the plumber when the kitchen sink was somehow stuck. Life is great. Life goes on.

And let's pray that this great feelings remain until tonight at least!

Happiness... is it really there?

Oh please don't be choked by the title. Yeah it may sound ridiculous, but to some people who's never been happy, this is a very valid question. But to some, it sounds absurd. It actually really depends on how you describe happiness.

I chanced upon a very interesting book on happiness as I dwelt with the meaning of happiness with some friends. I was trying to figure out whether or not I'm happy since I've becoming such a pessimist being, and since I couldn't answer somebody who asked me "what was your happy moment in the last six months". It really scared me that I couldn't answer that question though I somewhat guess the reason behind it. The book came just timely. And it was a page turner. 

The book, entitled "Hector and The Search for Happiness" is written by Francois Lelord, a psychiatrist in France. Apparently there's a whole list of Hector other books i.e Hector and The Secrets of Love, Hector and The Passage of Time. In this particular book, Hector travels from Paris to China to Africa to the USA and along the way he creates and keeps a list of observations about happiness from the people he meets. The travel comes about from his dissatisfaction with himself. At the end of his journey he listed 23 lessons about happiness. And most of it relates to the reality of life we often overlook. It could be a simple daily experience but we didn't think of it as part of happiness until it's being pointed out to you. I'm going to list only some of the lessons that appeals to me (you have to read the book to know it all!) and of which I may have experienced it at any time of my life.

Lesson no. 1 - Making comparisons truly spoils your happiness. 
Lesson no. 2 - Happiness often comes when least expected.
Lesson no. 3 - Many people see happiness only in their future
Lesson no. 4 - Many people think that happiness comes from having more money or more power
Lesson no. 6 - Happiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains
Lesson no. 7 - Happiness is not the goal!
Lesson no. 14 - Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are.
Lesson no. 16 - Happiness is knowing how to celebrate
Lesson no. 20 - Happiness is a certain way of seeing things.

I shall stop at Lesson 20 as it will kill the joy of reading the book if I were to reveal all. The book is written in a very easy-going language, rather informal and very interesting and easy read. You can digest it easily and I truly loved the way the writer relates the facts and the stories, it just makes sense!

Having read the book I come up with my own conclusion about happiness. Happiness is not a constant feeling. It's not something that you should look for, it should come naturally right from your heart, it's not a plan thing or something for you to ponder about. Happiness is an instant feeling! If people ask you if you are happy or not, the answer is subject to your current situation. Surely there are happy moments for me for the last six months but I couldn't answer as I was looking at it differently. So perhaps I should redefine the meaning of happiness.. in relation to my disorderly life!

Quotations for the year

For some weird reasons, I love reading quotations. It makes you ponder and it can make you smile and remember. I have received a number of small books of quotation on my past birthdays from those close to me and knew that it was one of my likes.

This year I collected some nice quotations from magazines, books and places I visited and conveniently store them in my phone. Here are my favorite so far this year.

"Life without a friend is death without a witness" - Anonymous

This quotation was seen on a gazebo in a boarding school compound. This is so true. I for one cannot live without my friends as to me they are always there when I need them. Dying alone is something so sad... just like if you don't have any friends to share your life journey with.

"Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage" - Benjamin Franklin

This is interesting if you think about it. People stay in a marriage not necessarily for love. And perhaps you can still love a person without being married to him/her. It's all in your head and in your heart.

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher

Call me sexist... but this is so true!! Perhaps men are better at words but the ladies will get things done. Thatcher must have said this based on her experience running the country with all the men below her!

"There's no road to happiness because happiness is the road" - ??

Heard this on the radio and didn't catch who said it. Happiness is within yourself and subject to your own interpretation. I wish I can delve deeper into this. The same analogy used in "life is not a destination, it's a journey". I have such complicated journey that sometimes I wish I can go back to whichever part of that journey that I wanted and re-take the journey using a different road! Sigh!

Like I've said, it can make you ponder and it can make you smile.

Oh what am I to do!

I hate to think that I'm abandoning this blog. No really I'm not. The housechores are really taking a toll on me. I have so many things to blog about, nice things, not so nice ones, happy ones, sad ones. All remain just in my head! Then I guess my passion for writing is just a passion.. no action, no rewards, no satisfaction. It's pathetic really! And amidst all these, I'm still struggling (sluggishly) to earn some income online and ended up paying more and more than I shud be earning. And worst, I have yet to earn a single cent! I really don't get it. I have yet to see ONE money making sites which does not require you to pay anything before you even started. Not even ONE. So it is truly bull**** saying that you can make money at no cost online. And it is entirely true that one of the "already making money" guru's article says that in order for you to make money online you have to have money and time. I have neither. There goes my life! Yes I know making money online is not an immediate thing, it is gradual and requires LOTS of effort. The thing is I don't think I have what it takes to be successful in it. I already have a tahiyyah.com, which is supposed to be filled with interesting articles about working from home, some ads to generate money, a form to generate leads, and so on. And yet... Am not blaming anybody but myself. I even have ventured into book selling which is surprisingly making but slowly and unfortunately requires an upfront cash before I can sell!

So now, I'm thinking of going back to work. The most dreaded decision that I ever have to make. This is even harder than the decision to quit my job. Oh well perhaps I did not think thorough enough when I made the decision to quit.in the first place! I am still thinking and praying. I pray hard that God will show me the way. I think about the housechores, the kids well being that I have to pass to a caretaker, and my morning routine that I kinda like. When I think about this, I don't think I ever want to work. But when I think about the kids needs, their education fund, our health insurance, our car, our house, our holidays... all the neccessities and wants that cannot be fulfilled now that I'm not earning, I got kinda nervous...! I seemed to be neither here nor there!

I hope God hears my pleas and grants them. Ameen.

PS : I wish I could have written something nice instead of this!

Of life and death

I went blog-hopping today. Something I haven't done for a long time. I hopped to onebreastbouncing, a very popular blog about a breast cancer survivor. Her blog is very inspiring. Sadly though, she passed away last year. Her last entry written when she was very sick. She talked about her pain and her struggle. It was rather heart-wrenching. The more heart-wrenching was when I blog-hopped to other blogs linked to hers which are mostly cancer patients like her, and most of them have passed away too, leaving just their blogs. One young man's blog, who just passed away end of last year, had his mom continued writing his blog intermittenly talking about his past life. 

Reading their blogs made me think how we have taken life for granted. While we worry about not having enough to have "things" like nice car, nice house, latest gadget - they worry about how to survive the next round of chemoteraphy, how to finance their medications, or how to deal with children they gonna leave behind. But one thing for sure they are strong and determined people. Their determination to live made them stronger and their belief in God getting stronger as their pain becomes most unbearable. To me they are the chosen people as they knew the coming of the end of their lives. It is a test by Allah to his chosen servant. As Allah will only give the kind of test to those who are able to carry it. As such I believe, it is not a punishment of sort but more of a test (dugaan).

Having said that, my family has been given yet another big test early last month. Of all the tests given to us, we felt that this is the biggest so far. My brother in law (BIL), who is almost a saint in everybody's eyes, has been diagnosed with blood cancer. Though it's still in its early stage, it is still the big C. It started with a growth in his throat. While it was painless, it started to grow rather big that you can see it when he opened his mouth. Only after it was removed that they found out that it was a type of blood cancer. The world seemed to stop for a moment when we got to know about it. We broke down but at the same time swear that we would do anything to fight it. On the other hand, my BIL himself, who looks as healthy as anybody else, was calmer and accepted it with redho. Yes, we all should redho as this is Allah's plan for him that nobody should question. As for my sister, life has never been the same. She used to be pampered by her hubby as such that she only do minimal work around the house, everything else like banking, bills, house and car maintenance all done by her hubby. Now she has to do everything herself. One look at them, one would think that it is her who is sick. As for me, I felt as though I've lost a sister! We used to talk about everything under the sun and I can always count on her in anything. Now she only talk about her hubby and ways and means to fight his illness, to stay on, to ease their burden. And I, try my very best to be the understanding sister, the shoulder she can cry on and the immediate help that she could use at any time. I become the nanny to her kids whenever they have to go to the hospital and fetch the kids to and fro school. 

I pray that my BIL will recover and one day we shall look back at this and smile and say, yes we survived the ordeal. But should he succumbed to it, I pray that we all are strong enough to face it. We have to be, for the sake of his small children and for my fragile sister. I sometimes think about situation like this, not that I want it to happen, but just thinking of what could be the worst thing that could happen to me in life. But I always think about it happening to me. I would never want it to happen to anybody else especially this sister. She is the most 'fragile' among all my sisters. Then again who are we to predict the path that one has to go through in this life. Allah surely has a plan for all of us, which at the end of it will benefit us in one way or another. There's a hikmah within everything that happens to us, only we realise it or not. We can only plan, He knows best. 


For those happens to read this entry, please pray that my BIL will recover and my sister will be strong to face this test. InsyaAllah.

Tough decision

Perhaps it was the toughest decision I have to make in my current life. It has to be because I was so stressed about it that I fell sick. I have decided to take Irsyad out from Imtiaz over to MRSM. Why was it such a difficult decision? I felt as though I have sinned! I'm robbing him the chance of being a tahfiz that's why. I still made that decision because I felt that it was the right decision which has been discussed between me, hubby and Irsyad. I took into consideration of the distance, the living condition as well as Irsyad's preference. But I know for sure this is not the decision agreed by many around me. They thought I took it too easy. They thought that I'm too soft, gave in too easily. And they thought I'm not thinking far enough, only thinking of the comfort of life, and not think the life after. But whatever they think of me, be it. It is me who has to raise my son, it is me who has to bear the cost-  cost of time, energy and not to mention RM.
So be it. Perhaps I'm still stressed as it's been over a week now,yet I have yet to recover from my cough and flu! But the decision stays.

The Jolly season is here

Nope, the jolly season is not necessarily Xmas. It's the school holidays! It is the 7 weeks of school holidays which will drain the blood out of me! Ok perhaps it's not that bad. It means no school uniform hand-washing and ironing, no trips to the schools, no homework and tuition, and no more school parties!! But there'll be a lot of trips to everywhere else like the malls, friends' houses, wherever they feel like going (if mom agrees of course!). For as long as I remember, all the holidays passed by without any of us noticed it. All of sudden it was just ended with us thinking, what did we do during the holidays? Just eat play sleep?

This year perhaps a bit different. The first week was over with lotsa fun with their cousins, swimming, going to malls (god knows what fun is the mall??), online games, etc, etc. The next two weeks, they have started their Tahfiz camp daily at 830 to 1130. Thus will keep them busy the whole two weeks as they have lots of surahs to memorise. Then I thought of sending Eussuv to a tuition class as he did quite badly in his finals in October. Not sure yet about this one. 

We are going fishing with some friends this weekend. Our first time ever. Hope it'll be fun. The kids are ecstatic about it. We shall see.

Other than that we have yet to plan for anything. No plan of going anywhere else. We are nervously waiting -and hoping- for any offer for Irsyad to go to a boarding school (oh boy! I forgot to mention or rather "announce" that he managed to score all As in his UPSR!). And I'm supposed to take him to a dentist for his braces.. as well an appointment to see ENT specialist for his sinus.. if necessary. And I'm supposed to clean up their rooms to prepare for next year's school terms. Where am I going to trash all their books??  Aaahhh... so much to do and so little time. So disorganised of me!

But for now.. I just want to sit back and sing.. oh it's a jolly good season.. it's a jolly good season.....!

Oh scoliosis!

I can't believe it was 5 weeks ago since I last blog! A lot has been going on .. and I am still maidless. Of course, life must still go on. I am adjusting (and accepting) life as it is. Even though I wish my health is better so that I can do better. 

I have a physical condition called "scoliosis", where my back bone is somewhat curved. It's inborn. It's genetically inherited. It was not so obvious when I was small but it's rather obvious now that I have aged. I can't do and lift heavy things and gets tired easily. The only way to correct it is via surgery but must done at an early age like in the teens while the bones are are still 'soft'. Two of my nieces (the twins) had their surgery last year and this year respectively at the age of 18 and 19. When I was that age, my mom already inquired about this surgery unfortunately the technology has yet to reach Malaysia then. When I was in the States, I went to see a chiropractor who confirmed my condition. But all he was interested in was to sell their products to ease my discomfort. So I left it as it is. Since it's not such a bother then.

Now however I can really feel it and sometimes look like Hunchback of Notre Dame. Because of this also I often get muscle spasm on my lower back. I've had this many times for the past few years and every time I got it I will not be able to walk properly for a few days. Usually I'll just get some muscle relaxant pills and some rest. Things will get back to normal within a week. I got one a few weeks ago .. and boy.. imagine the chaos in my household. No cooking, laundry and cleaning for a few days. Hubby had to take leave to transport the kids to school. Luckily it was only for a few days. It had to be!

Whatever it is, I am still thankful it is only physical. It is nothing major that I should to be too worried about. I only have to be careful!

Unbearable heat

Perhaps the world is coming to its end. The weather around the world is at its worst. While one part is experiencing extreme cold, this part is having the worst heat ever. I don't think I have ever experienced this kind of heat in my entire life. Not even in the Holy Land! It's simply too hot!! Surely my next electricity bill will explode. The aircond is on most of the time day and night.. I'm almost suffocated. I'm one person who prefers natural air to aircond. And yet, in the current weather I can only stand a few hours of the natural air! I bet it's a different story if you are in the office the whole day, you don't feel much heat. Even the rain does not help. When it rains, the heat is even worse since the hot air comes up to the air due to the rain. 

Ya Allah, please have some mercy on us! Please cool the earth.
And people... stop contributing to the global warming!

The love that was lost in the air

It was nerve-wrecking and tear-jerking. Nervous because you are hopeful of outcome and wishing that it will end as what you wanted. Emotional was seeing the crumble of people's dream, life, love and whatever that is related to it. It was an experience that I hope and pray that I don't have to go through again. But it was good reminder.

I had to accompany someone very dear (let's name her N) to me to settle her divorce case in a Syariah court. I've never been to any court before. My first impression, the court was too small. Well maybe it's because it a "low" court, not a high court. It was a public court so you get to hear everybody's case before you, not so loud and clear but you can still know what's going on. And surprisingly, you have to cover your aurat in the court. The court police will ask you to go out and cover yourself properly if you don't. What shocked me was most of the audience which consists of plaintiffs and defendants, and their supporters (family and friends) are YOUNG people. I seriously believe I was the eldest person in the court other than the judge at that time. I'm beginning to wonder what is the meaning of the marriage institution for the youngsters these days.  

N's case was the fifth one to be called. So I got to listen to four other cases. Of which the first one was read too softly for us to hear and the other was represented by a lawyer and again she spoke too soft for our nosy ears. The one that moved me was a divorce application of a very young couple  who seemed to be not more than 25 years of age. Without even a glance to each other they stood before the judge, answering him confidently. The guy read the divorce lafaz without hesitation, no quiver, no emotion. Me on the other was already in my tears (even not knowing who they are!). The ex-wife had a somewhat sad face. The next case was a fasakh application - an application to dissolve a marriage due specific reasons. The plaintiff, a lady, came alone. The judge asked, "so where is the defendant", she said - "at home, and he knew I was coming to the court today". The lady spoke softly only for the judge's ears the reason of the fasakh. It seemed that the couple was still staying together and obviously the husband refused to come to the court.  No wonder it takes ages for these cases to end.


N's case was called. They answered the judge accordingly and N's answers were more confidently said than her counterpart. Obviously she was more ready. Her husband (now ex) seemed a bit lost. As he said the lafaz, he was hesitant at first, and in tears. I was already in tears the minute N went stood in front of the judge! Ah.. so emotional! N cried too, but a cry of relief, and perhaps a bit of sadness over the love that is lost. But definitely I know she did not cry of losing the guy! After it was over, N's ex came to salam me with respect. I thanked him for taking care of N for the two years they were together.


That was it. Short, but earth shattering. Short but only the ones who had to go through it knew how painful it was. Two hearts became one, then broken into two again. Two paths met leading to one and suddenly one took a different route. Life is full of twist and turns. We can only plan, but only Allah knows best what's in store for us. 


I pray N will find another love. Or love will find her. She still love him, she said.. but I told her, it's not him that you love, it's the love that you had with him that you love. It's ok to hang on to the love, but not to him. And if she truly understands that only love to Allah is eternal, it will be easier for her to love another being again. I hope she will get up and love again.

Happy New Year

I seem to have forgotten how to write! There are just too many things to do that my desire to write is almost non-existent! And talk about wanting to be a writer.. what a joke huh..

Anyways, I don't know how time has slipped by too fast. 2009 was a year of too many things. Too many! I would say it was a good year. It's been a year now that I am a housewife. It's kinda funny to say it at first, a housewife. I thought at least I should be a "work-at-home-mom". That was the original plan. Somehow along the way, it just didn't turn out to be like I wanted. Perhaps I'm not determined enough. Perhaps I didn't have a good plan after all. So now, the title "fulltime housewife" is pasted rather firmly on my forehead.

For 2010, still, my plan include to generate some income. How? God knows. It definitely will not fall from the sky .... I have to do something. I am still thinking.

The kids are slowly settling down at school. It's pretty hectic with all 3 going to school. Worst is, starting next week they finish at 3 different times (1:00pm. 1:30pm, 2:00pm)! And their agama school starts at 2:30pm. How chaotic is that? If the school is walking distance from my house I will have no problem. But it's about 8mins drive away (without any traffic!). And they say housewives are the luckiest person on earth to be at home??? But no matter what, I AM still glad to be at home.

2010 will be a year full of hope. Irsyad will be sitting for his UPSR. I am more nervous than him! I am rather confident of his capabilities but still we never know. I just hope he will do well and his wishes to excell is fullfilled. I also hope Eussuv will do better, and I have seen some improvement, not academically yet but his attitude towards school. I hope it will last. Syasya is in Year One and already enjoying school. But she is rather apprehensive about going to agama school in the afternoon. Perhaps because she's tired. Hope she'll get used to it.

I hope things in general will be better this year. I can feel the difference already. Still can't quite believe I am housewife!!

Happy New Year everyone. I hope it'll be a great year for everybody.

What if.....?

I'm in the midst of cleaning up and packing to move to a new house (this will be another entry!). Packing is really a big task if you have your things all the way from single life! Last nite I opened my treasure chest which stored some of after college memories. I found a few things to be thrown away, a few things to be kept further, a few things that made me go OMG, even a few "unwanted pictures"!

One thing though made me wonder. I found a stack of letters from various masters schools in the States for my inquiries about their masters programme. Hmmmm...! Then I found two letters of my GMAT exam results, (I took it twice just to prove myself!) then a few letters from sponsor telling me details of how they would sponsor my masters, letter to go for a Kursus Tatanegara and a few more. I went through everything and wonder... whyyy laaaaa I didn't take up the offer and go?? What was I thinking then? What if I took up the offer? What would I be today? Will I still be here writing at home? Perhaps I would still be in the States and work there (well that was my dream then... to stay there like forever!) I might not have 4 kids and I might even marry somebody else...

The conclusion I made from reading the letter is just this.. my results for both my undergraduate studies and GMAT were not strong enough for me to be accepted at all the schools I inquired. The thing is.. I didn't even send in my applications! I was so scared of rejection I didn't even dare try even I already got the sponsorship! What I remembered again then, I was at such age where people are trying to do things that suits their life and, at 24-26 my life was such a turmoil and no direction (that's how it is if you have no parents I guess! You still need to be told at that age, or at least be guided!)

Whatever it was, it was... it has passed. I have no regrets. I was just wondering... what if..

I dumped everything away.. it's not valid anymore anyways.. even my GMAT results..Oh well.. and life goes on!

Life choices

I had two encounters with women of two different world yesterday. It kinda made me think there must be million of women's priorities in this world. We have to go out from our own world to have a counter check of what our life is all about especially when you are feeling lacking of something in your life. Looking at others may help you be more appreciative and thankful of what you have. Let's name these two Lady A and Lady B.

Lady A is a working woman whom I would say a career woman who's very passionate about her job. But hearing her story of her working world scared me. She works in a legal world where she had to meet clients for legal paperworks at the client's convenient time and place. She has appointments at nights and weekends. She's married with two little kids. She only saw her kids for a few hours in a week. The rest of the time her kids stay with the maid. In my two hour encounter, I gathered she's very proud of this "busyness" of her life. In fact she said she once tried not working and only lasted for two months due to "boredom" staying at home.

I met Lady B right after Lady A near my house. She's a new neighbor. A very friendly lady who calls me "kakak" - I swear the minute I saw her I thought she's older than me.. haha! Anyways, in less than an hour I learnt that she's a housewife with no kids. I asked if she has any business, she said no. And I asked if she's going back to work, she said she prefers taking care of her house. Oh and she has a beautiful house with 6 rooms.. (hear.. 6 rooms and no kids!). I would say she's a lady of leisure! She travels frequently as her husband travels for his work.

After meeting the two ladies, it really made me ponder. Definitely I don't want to be Lady A, working very hard, perhaps with lotsa money yet so little time with her kids. I also don't want to be Lady B who travels the world, has beautiful big house and no doubt cash rich... but no kids. And here I am complaining everything about my life, no job, no money... but Allah has trusted me with 4 children to care for and now I have made the choice to "work for" them. No I'm trying to say those working moms are bad, nor those non-moms are unfortunate, I'm just trying to remind myself over and again of the choice that I've made. I have to be thankful of what and where I am now. I shall stop complaining, I shall stop comparing myself with those high-flying and jet-setting moms. Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunities. And thank you for the encounters that has made me realised the gift that you have given me. Amin.

Food .. food and more food..

It's really a month of food. Well Syawal that is. What is supposed to be another good month has become a food month. I had a full "food" weekend for the past two weeks of open houses... and all I could think was those unfortunates in our neighboring countries who were atruck with disaster and eat whatever provided to them.

Dear God, thank for all the food and luxury that you have given us. Ameen.

Ramadhan ... that was...

Syawal is already halfway through. And here I am writing about Ramadhan. Am I in a different time zone or something? It was one great, meaningful, hopefully berkat but way way tiring Ramadhan.

I was OK on the first week of Ramadhan. It was the school holidays, the kids were fasting and they did it well. Even Syasya surprised me by fasting full for the first two weeks. She did it so well that it scared me. No whining, no crying but full of energy. Even the boys whined once in a while. Oh before I forgot.. this was the first Ramadhan in four years that hubby was around. So it sure was different. We got to go for Terawih prayers, I mean all of us. Usually it was just the boys who went, I always have a baby to care for. Now that the "baby" is three years old, old enough to follow instruction while we perform our prayers. Omar had a great time in the surau. He always had other kids to play with without actually disturbing the jemaah.

The second week onwards was rather hectic, maid was off to her hometown until the second week of raya. I had the whole housework and kids all to myself to care for. This is a real challenge. The housework was never ending. What made it worse was the fact that I had to face it 24hrs a day and 7 days a week. Had I work I a 9-5 job, I'd have a break from facing it 24hrs a day.. but no. There was no break to it. Even when you go to sleep you know there's something to be done just before you sleep and the minute you get up. Not to mention the backlog of work that awaits you once you missed it. Call me whatever, nope I don't think I can live with the housework without any help. I value the time with my children more. I realised I spent less time with them but more in the kitchen and with the laundry. The good thing though, I know now how hard my maid works, how committed she is and how efficient she is. I also know now you can train the kids to do housework and they loved it. You have to train them!

It was really one great Ramadhan. Made me realise a lot of things. Taught me lots of patience and gratitude. Did not manage to bake lotsa cookies, did not manage to finish the Quran as I planned to but taught me a great deal another side of me, another side of what life as a full time mother and house "manager" is all about. Perhaps this will prepare me for what's more to come.

Now Syawal is already half way through and my maid is back for another year. I thank Allah for all the things that I went through Ramadhan. I thank Him for gving us the strength and patience especially for the kids who went through Ramadhan without much difficulties (the two boys completed the whole month and Syasya completed almost 3 weeks). And mostly I thank Him for being here again this Ramadhan. InsyaAllah next Ramadhan will be a better one.

Re-unions .. re-unions

I attended three re-unions for the past two weeks. It's a great feeling meeting people in your past who used to share happiness and sorrow at any one point of your life. Usually during meetings like this you only talk about the good times and laughed back at what had happened then... even though at that time you thought your life was ending! Then we would be thankful that we are able to look back at all. Bad moments are usually not mentioned or become funny altogether. Wounds seemed to heal, bad intentions or wrongdoings forgiven or forgotten. Friendship is all that matters.

The first re-union was of my other half's high school re-union. It was a big one held at a nice resort just outside KL. It was an overnite event. About 80 of them turned up with their families. They actually have it every year but somehow this is the first time we joined them. It was great getting into the world where you did not exist before in your other half's life. I did not feel left out at all, made some new friends, played some telematch and enjoyed socializing with some of the spouses. Kids were not forgotten with lotsa goodies and fun. I would say they are one generous batch... every family went home with something, lucky draws, prizes, goodies and best.. more memories with friends.

The second re-union was with my ex-colleueges whom I didn't see for a few months.. oh ok. I should not call it a re-union? Maybe I should call it a catch-up session. It's good to re-connect to the working world again but I was glad after that I don't have to go back to the office after that.

And the third one was the one I enjoyed the most. A re-union with some great college friends. Though I get to meet some of them regularly, getting all of us together at one place and one time is not an easy thing to do. Only 14 of us turned up but it was enough to take us down to the memory lane. It was lot of catching up and time rewind! Lots and lots of laughter. Too much that I went home with fever (exaggerating a bit.. I was already getting sick when I arrived!). Too bad I had to leave early .. the rest stayed until the place was closing! The first re-union we had was some 15 years ago. Looks (and perspective perhaps?) may have changed but we felt as though we were transported back to Bloomington where we shared so so much great (and bad) memories. Memories that brings all of us together. Funny, everybody seems to be as young as we were before (minus the look of course)... cracking the same kind of jokes, making funny remarks, teasing and laughing.. It was just so cool!

Nope... I no longer wish to turn back the time to then, just memories are good enough. Re-unions make you look back and see where you are now, where you were before, what you have changed what you have not, where you have progressed in life --- as compared to your friends! That's the only bad side of it.. then again only if you are the type who likes to compare and be challenged about it or be content or just be happy of who you are and where you are. To me... I'm just happy to have some laughter, remember old times, and the best still .. always have my friends!

This desperate housewife..

I rarely watch "The Desperate Housewives" because I don't see the drama in it... I thought it's rather dry. It's actually just another TV series.. Perhaps they like it because it's about the life, some desperate lives, of a bunch of glamorous housewives. Perhaps they like the sexy women in it.

I think the real desperate housewives are those who are desperate to finish the house chores in 24 hours a day, which is definitely not enough! They are also the ones who're cracking their heads on how to make their daily chores more efficiently, thus time and energy saving, hence more can be accomplished. Then also they are mostly desperate for some time-off, time for themselves when they can just sit back and relax, enjoy a cuppa with no outstanding work waiting and no yelling in their ears.

And there's also this housewife, yours truly, who's desperate for something more adrenalin "pumping".. rather than the routine housework and kids watching. I need something more challenging and with some immediate results. He he.. such ambitions..! No no... I don't need any affairs (God forbid!!!), I don't need any juicy gossips... Perhaps I need a real project.. like the project you have in the office with deadline and all. Then again that's me allright, getting excited about wanting to do things and what not but never get up and actually do it.. Then I'm stuck doing the routine work for the rest of my life. How horrifying! And I also am desperate for some cash to flow into my accounts as it scares me to see my bank statement not getting anywhere! Anybody needs any birthday cakes or cupcakes?

Oh dear... I'd better get off this screen now, my carrot cupcake desperately need some toppings!

My first step

I have always wanted to do something different in my life but I lacked the courage. And I always thought I'm different but the fact is .. I'm very much the same as anybody else. Last weekend I finally stepped beyond my normal life routine. Did something I thought I'd never do. Well.. could be nothing to some people but something to me.

The event... My sister and I rented a spot in a 3-day bazaar organised by a state mosque here. I had some home made cakes and my sister sell health product of which she is the distributor. We were really nervous about it since we have never done this before. I HAVE NEVER done this in my entire life! Not even during school or college where sometimes some students set up booth to sell something during any college event. Not me.. I was such a public freak (well, I do have my reasons!!)

The expectation ... really, I didn't know what to expect since it was my first time. I also did not think of the sales.. though I did hope for some returns. My "little" worry was the weather since the heat was rather unbearable for the past week. I worried whether I can survive the heat under the tent for 7-10 (or longer) hours a day. My main objective was to get the experience of selling... and to see if my so-called culinary skills can earn me some money.

The experience ... WOW! My first impression.. we were really the small fish there. We were competing with the "real business people". Other booths were occupied by seasoned sellers who had been selling their products for at least a year or so.. who had done this kind of sales numerous of times if not daily. They have all the "right" tools and peripherals to do the selling. I was slightly taken aback at first. Then again I thought, what do you expect, this is the real world. I was doing real sales, meeting real customers from all walk of life. I got a bit nervous then. Somehow my nervousness dissapear when we were greeted by other sellers.. they were SUPER friedly and helpful! My... was I pleasantly surprised. We got acquainted in no time. The booth on my left was selling all kind of dates and raisins, and their hot selling Halal coco drink - MOSHA, fresh in the market. They consists of a few humble young man, ready to help you anytime. My right neighbor is a gutsy friendly, talkative lady and her workers selling Muslim apparels. By the end of the first day, we got acquainted with almost all the sellers, around 20 of them. Though some may be our competitor, but the selling and teamwork spirit is amazing.

After 3 days .. I would say the experience was priceless. Forget the heat which thankfully was bearable because it was rather breezy! Socializing with people on the streets, sellers who are very determined in selling their products, as well as customers of whom you never know what to expect from them except that you hope they would buy from you. You get that exciting feeling when you see people approaching your items, and you tell them excitedly what they are all about. They came, the looked, tasted and looked again. If you are lucky, they buy... if not they just said thank you, smiled and walked away. And you.. took a seat again! Isn't that interesting?

The sales ... welll.. I didn't do so well in this one. Perhaps I did not do enough research on the crowd. You have to reach the right crowd. I was selling cakes in a mosque area. Perhaps a better place to sell cakes is in the mall or offices where the crowd would be more represented. Eh? People who go to mosque are mostly elderlies- who are not supposed to eat sweet things? 80% of my sales came from family and friends who came to visit us by invitation (yup, told thm I'm selling!) and the neighboring sellers who got hungry, or appetised by the cakes. I had leftovers at the end of each day which I would generously gave away to the "neighbors" or my family members. At the end of the 3 days.. I barely covered my costs. My friends thought I was selling the cakes way too low beyond the market price.. well it's true actually. ... I WAS just testing the water!

So that was my first step, hopefully towards something bigger. I will definitely keep on moving further if God wills. Except for the next time around, instead of jumping right into the sea, I will learn how to swim first!

Mother's Day

I bet every mom blogger will be writing about this. Here's my count of the day..

I was out of the house since morning by myself under "a mission" (this will be another entry!) until 5pm. What greeted me was this ..

At the front door...

On the wall in the living hall

Another wall in the living hall

Each of their individual card as they swarmed me when I entered the house.

Apparently they spent the whole day making the cards. Abang made Omar's card. Syasya had 2 cards as one she made at school. It was touching .. really. I have their handmade cards every year actually but this year is rather elaborated since they had time to prepare and surprise me. Abang suggested that we go out to the mall so that he can pick something out for me. But I said the cards are enough and I didn't need any gift. Later we just went out for a drive.

To me I don't need any presents or any special dinner to celebrate me being their mother. Being a mom is already a gift by itself. It's just become even more special when your kids acknowledge, appreciate and most importantly love you as much as love them. Words cannot just describe what being a mother means.

I thank Allah for the gift..

The only thing is that I wish my mom is here so that I can show my appreciation as I don't recall having done that .. well back in those days mom appreciation was not very popular. Those days where moms are just moms.

Al-Fatihah for my mom ...

Focus.. ACT!

It's a matter of getting up and do it. I've been doing a lot of reading on how to's on some areas in my attempt to "work from home". But never get around to actually do it. I have all the instructions, I have the tools, I have the means.. but why is it so hard for me to actually do it? Perhaps I lack the will? I have thousands of excuses too! I also thought of so many things that I want to do and I could do. At the end of the day none accomplished. How dissapointing! It's like watching days and months go by.. without any results.

Yesterday I read an article on Money Tree which tells you money does grow on trees! With the right strategies of course.. hence the Money Tree. Last week I read an article on How to Make Money on the Internet.. it really works, but the most important thing is FOCUS. You have to focus on what you want to do.. not do everything. Doinkkkk... one big hit on my head. That's it.. another thing that I'm lacking.. focus.. that's why I end up doing nothing. I want to do so many things.. I end up doing a little bit here and there - nothing accomplished.

Oh well perhaps there are "some" things accomplished. I managed all data gathering and preparation of tools and content.. but still.. there's no real determination in getting it done. Perhaps I need to get desperate. But I am kinda desperate right now. I'm desperate to get excited to see the results, desperate to fill my time with something "intellectually challenging" .. other than "parental challenge". And most of all desperate to see some RM pouring into my bank account out of my efforts.

I guess this is the real dilemma of me being a SAHM. I lack the focus, motivation and determination.. despite the desperation that I'm feeling. I hope I will not head to failure.. They say you have to fail first, it's a BIG step towards success. I truly agree.. hey but I am so afraid of failure. I have never really failed.. not really so successful either.. but I get through. I got through school, I got through college, I got through 15 years of working life. That's all there is, I got through. It's pathetic. No real success.

The only success so far that I see is raising my kids which is even then I am not sure of the real result until they grow up and live their lives "successfully". And this .. I swear.. I will not just go through it. I am working hard for it because I can feel the pain of raising them. I have my all my emotions surfacing while taking care of them. So I pray hard ... I will tread through this one.. and I will be successful.

I'm straying away from what I was gonna write.. being focused. Now that I've lashed out everything here.. perhaps today onwards, I will take action and hope for the best results rather than wonder how it would turn out. All the best to me!