Life is often reflected as a cycle. Babies to toddlers to kids to teens to adults to senior citizens and .. back to kids and babies again? Depends.. some people do go to that extent of life. I pray that I will not. I pray that if I were to die, I hope my death will be a quick one.. without any prolong illness, without having to go through the "baby" stage where people around me have to care for me. I pray that I will die in good faith, a peaceful one not in a horrifying and bloody one. I pray that I will be able to utter the shahadah before my last breath. I pray that my eldest will lead the last rite for me. Ahhh so much hope I have thought about.. I pray that God will grant all of it.
As I have reached this point of life, the life before me always come reflected in front of me ... how I wasted or enjoyed my youth, how I chose my life to be what it is today. How many opportunities that I have let go, how many opportunities I have grabbed. And yet, truth to be told, all these have been destined to be. Allah is the best planner. There should be NO whatifs. There should be no regret since these are all Allah's plans. No matter how much you want it to be different, Allah knows best and he has planned it as such even though it is not to your liking, but it is the best for you. I have thought about it over and over again, what if I have chosen the other road, how would life be? But yeah, it remains a thought. I am not one who dares enough to make drastic change in my life.. no I'm not. I am the one who faces come what may.. not daring enough to get out. I don't know.. I just don't have the strength!
And even where the children are concerned, I now leave all to Allah. It is beyond me to control what's happening in their lives once they reached their independence. I wish they can stay as they were before, asking me for permission and advice. That's no longer the case. I wish and wish they are still my babies. It hurts to think that they might even dislike me. Then again, I have no power and control over them anymore. Hence, I leave it all to Allah. I pray that things will go their way, I pray that they will love me unconditionally just as I love them, I pray that they will remain in their iman, that they maintain their faith. I pray that they will have a better life as compared to me. I pray they will meet all the good people in their lives, meet a good loving partner who will lead them to jannah. I pray for all the good things going their way. And even if they face challenges in life, they know how to handle it well.
I can be the spectator of their lives, whether or not they allow me to step in their lives, I wouldn't know. My heart is heavy with so much love for them. And I hope they love me too.
This is one emotional post that I hope my children will be able to read someday when I am gone. No I don't wish to go so soon.. there are so much more I want to do in life. But at this very moment I'm feeling very tired of 'life's affairs' that I feel like being shut down is OK .. though I'm wayyy from being ready!
