Oh what a dream..

Sometimes or many times I wonder if my kids really need me,really love me as they just go about their daily lives as though I'm not there. Well.. SOMETIMES I feel that way. Though sometimes I felt that they depended on me too much. On my low days, I just want to get away from them to see how they would live without me... but of course I don't do that and WILL not do that, it was just evil thought conquering my mind when it is at those low unstable moments. 

Just last week, one early morning my Ryan woke up crying, It was almost time to get up and I was awake but was still in bed when he came to my room crying and snuggled beside me. When I asked why he told me in a crying voice.. though difficult to understand I figured out he had a bad dream.. just as I thought. But it was a dream that made him clung to me tightly, a dream so real that he won't let go of me until he fell asleep again. The dream that made me sorry for him and saddened me that he had that dream. He dreamt of me being crushed to death in an accident. Thank God it was just a dream, but it must be so real to him to leave him shaken. We believe that if one dreams of somebody died, in real life that person is believed to have a longer life. One comforting belief that many hold on to. Who knows really!

When he woke up that day he continued to be a little unhappy, just a little. When I asked again what was in his dream he refused to relate it saying that he don't want to remember. But for the first time, as I remember, that one day, he stayed close to me, kissing and hugging me as and when he remembers. Something he rarely do. He's one boy who doesn't like to be cuddled but he does that day. 

The thought of me dead must really shake him. As much as I pity him for having the dream, I know now how much he needs me. It gives me a new perception of life with my kids. I know now that they need me, they love me. I should be more enthusiastic about life in general, about life as a person, as a mom.. I have to go on for them, live life to the fullest for them, and myself. It is a very long way to go. I pray to Allah that I will live longer for the sake of the children, that I will live healthy so that I will not burden anyone, that I can raise my children until the very end. If God wills.

Capturing memories

One of the joys of life is having children. It is one of the God's greatest gifts. Thus I can understand the sorrow of those of not having one. Then again they are bestowed with other great things in life, other God's great gifts nonetheless. As God is fair to all.

To capture life's precious moments with kids is almost impossible ..not even in your memory box. Though I wish I could. There'll be pictures and videos. And another mean is blog. But how much can you write? Bits and pieces maybe. Thus perhaps I could start again what I've started in the first place... to write about the joy of raising them, the hurdles, the solutions, the thoughts and hopes. Perhaps when I grow old, or when THEY grow old there'll be memories in words that they can hold on to and able to put a smile on their faces or tears in their eyes.

There are so much in life that pass you by without you realize it and not get a hold of it. Time passes so quickly that you don't even get to stop and smell the roses. Time is ticking and we must make the most of it. In shaa Allah.

I'm back..

It's been 8 months since I last wrote! No I have not forgotten this blog. Perhaps my prayers for 2014 have been granted that I have been too busy to write. God knows how much I miss writing. In my mind I write everyday. I want to capture every day of my life. If possible I want to record it so that I will not forget.. but who am I .. the small being who is only capable of a few things at a moment. I want to record my achievement, my failure, my mistakes, my joy and sorrow. Each gives a new meaning in my life and I treasure every moment.

It has been a great busy 8 months.. really. Too many things happened that I just didn't realised time passed by. I was too busy worrying about what life would bring me the next day, the next month and the next year. I was too busy filling up my time thinking that if I don't do anything now, I will never get what i want in life. At the same time, I am trying hard to invest for the afterlife. Oh I really hope whatever I'm doing now will be worth it. In shaa Allah.

And still there's so much more to do, to achieve. There's so much more in my dreams yet to be realised. I'm trying to get there. I'm trying hard.

I am confident God will give me the strength and the will to overcome the hardship. His promises are always true... In shaa Allah..   

Wallaa... It's 2014!

And who would have known.. Despite the storm, the rain , the flood... It's here. 2014.. Hoping for a great year ahead. Thankfully I had a great start. As I have stop hoping for the star.. I just need to hop and reach for it...

Nevertheless, 2013 has been somewhat a great year despite the storm the turmoil that I had to go through. Perhaps I shouldn't think about any more storms but just go out there and dance in the rain and make the most of it in whatever condition. Because it will pass.. the storm, the rain, it will pass.

It was a great year for my kids as each of them proudly made achievements in their lives. My eldest scored straight As in his junior high exam, my second one bravely went through hardship of being in a mediocre school inhabitant by gangsters! Well done for him for not getting into gangsterism as well. My princess maintained a top 20 in school..  good enough for me as she enjoyed school all throughout. And my little baby - who's definitely lost his baby smell..- made a shockingly well performance in his exams which qualified him to be in the first class in the school. It is truly unexpected of him as most of the time, all throughout the year I wonder if he understand school at all! I am happy for all of them and I thank God for making it possible. He heard my prayers and granted it.. again.

And I .. achieved another milestone, another certificate of achievement to add to my collection of certs. Something I've been wanting to be in for a long time. I am now a certified translator. I feel so great having achieved this. It's like a dream comes true.. Except that I have yet to put it to use. Soon, if God wills.. 2014.

Having said that, I pray hard that 2014 will be a great year, better that the great 2013. I shall brave all the hurdles, I shall take the challenge, I shall get rid of all the storms! InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah.

If only I have wings..

If only I have wings.. I just want to fly away.. I want to be free. Fly away from this hard life.. Be free of all that's binding me from this world. The world full of worldly things that often make people forget who they are, where they come from, where they are heading. A world that is full of hatred, love, sadness and happiness. A world of people who only think of themselves when they should be thinking of others as well because they are not the only ones living in this world.

If only I have wings, I want to go away... do whatever I want to do. Be whoever I want to be. Be where ever I want to be. I want to climb the mountains, I want to swim in the sea, I want to dive into the ocean and be amazed with God's creation. I want to go skiing in the mountains. I want to sail in the sea. I want to go to the islands, build a campfire by the beach, sleep under the moon and stars. I want to go places, travel the world.. wonder at God's creation and be thankful to Him for creating such beautiful world. But I just want to go alone... with my wings..

If only I have wings, I want to go where people need my help. I want to help the needy, the sick, the unloved, the abused. Anytime anywhere..

If only I have THE wings... I just want to disappear ... Especially now at this very moment...

Thank you...

Thank you God for giving the life that I have today... regardless the hardship ...
Thank you God for giving me the beautiful children I bore for nine months each...
Thank you God for the motherhood moment granted to me... perhaps some never get to go through the great moments in life of being a mother...
Thank you God for giving me a wonderful husband whom I always disagree with ...who has to put up with my temper, my ego, my nagging... whom I love dearly and cannot live without..
Thank you God for all the time given to me in this world, to be living in this world....
Thank you God for what I am today.. 

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim

I believe in all bestowed upon me.. I believe in You and all that You've promised me.. 

Thank you....

1001 things your kids should do and see - Part Deux

I noticed that this topic of my previous post has the most views of all my posts. I like it too because it's kinda real. But now that the kids have somehow grown so fast I believe they need a new set of the above. The first set of what I've written was somehow a bit general. These new ones will somehow address their teenage years and journey into it or into the adulthood. Here they are, picked at random from the same book but of different sections.

# they need to see you struggle with difficulties

# they need to learn that life is NOT ALL ABOUT THEM!

# they need manners. This will carry them far in the adult world

# they need to learn the rules.. especially if they intend to break them!

# they need to get things done. Homework assignments. Tasks. Chores. College enrollment forms.

# they need to grasps the sacrifice their parents have made to get them this far

# they need to learn about money - about savings, spendings, budgeting, bankings, investments...

# they need to be able to talk to adults.. not just cross their arms, stare at the floor and mumble something

There are so much more that I wish my kids will be imposed upon or think that it'd be great if my kids could do it. But surprisingly, in this technology age some of the things mentioned are not relevant anymore. So sad.

So anyway those are the part deux which was rather borrriinnggg...