Sometimes or many times I wonder if my kids really need me,really love me as they just go about their daily lives as though I'm not there. Well.. SOMETIMES I feel that way. Though sometimes I felt that they depended on me too much. On my low days, I just want to get away from them to see how they would live without me... but of course I don't do that and WILL not do that, it was just evil thought conquering my mind when it is at those low unstable moments.
Just last week, one early morning my Ryan woke up crying, It was almost time to get up and I was awake but was still in bed when he came to my room crying and snuggled beside me. When I asked why he told me in a crying voice.. though difficult to understand I figured out he had a bad dream.. just as I thought. But it was a dream that made him clung to me tightly, a dream so real that he won't let go of me until he fell asleep again. The dream that made me sorry for him and saddened me that he had that dream. He dreamt of me being crushed to death in an accident. Thank God it was just a dream, but it must be so real to him to leave him shaken. We believe that if one dreams of somebody died, in real life that person is believed to have a longer life. One comforting belief that many hold on to. Who knows really!
When he woke up that day he continued to be a little unhappy, just a little. When I asked again what was in his dream he refused to relate it saying that he don't want to remember. But for the first time, as I remember, that one day, he stayed close to me, kissing and hugging me as and when he remembers. Something he rarely do. He's one boy who doesn't like to be cuddled but he does that day.
The thought of me dead must really shake him. As much as I pity him for having the dream, I know now how much he needs me. It gives me a new perception of life with my kids. I know now that they need me, they love me. I should be more enthusiastic about life in general, about life as a person, as a mom.. I have to go on for them, live life to the fullest for them, and myself. It is a very long way to go. I pray to Allah that I will live longer for the sake of the children, that I will live healthy so that I will not burden anyone, that I can raise my children until the very end. If God wills.