Of life and death

I went blog-hopping today. Something I haven't done for a long time. I hopped to onebreastbouncing, a very popular blog about a breast cancer survivor. Her blog is very inspiring. Sadly though, she passed away last year. Her last entry written when she was very sick. She talked about her pain and her struggle. It was rather heart-wrenching. The more heart-wrenching was when I blog-hopped to other blogs linked to hers which are mostly cancer patients like her, and most of them have passed away too, leaving just their blogs. One young man's blog, who just passed away end of last year, had his mom continued writing his blog intermittenly talking about his past life. 

Reading their blogs made me think how we have taken life for granted. While we worry about not having enough to have "things" like nice car, nice house, latest gadget - they worry about how to survive the next round of chemoteraphy, how to finance their medications, or how to deal with children they gonna leave behind. But one thing for sure they are strong and determined people. Their determination to live made them stronger and their belief in God getting stronger as their pain becomes most unbearable. To me they are the chosen people as they knew the coming of the end of their lives. It is a test by Allah to his chosen servant. As Allah will only give the kind of test to those who are able to carry it. As such I believe, it is not a punishment of sort but more of a test (dugaan).

Having said that, my family has been given yet another big test early last month. Of all the tests given to us, we felt that this is the biggest so far. My brother in law (BIL), who is almost a saint in everybody's eyes, has been diagnosed with blood cancer. Though it's still in its early stage, it is still the big C. It started with a growth in his throat. While it was painless, it started to grow rather big that you can see it when he opened his mouth. Only after it was removed that they found out that it was a type of blood cancer. The world seemed to stop for a moment when we got to know about it. We broke down but at the same time swear that we would do anything to fight it. On the other hand, my BIL himself, who looks as healthy as anybody else, was calmer and accepted it with redho. Yes, we all should redho as this is Allah's plan for him that nobody should question. As for my sister, life has never been the same. She used to be pampered by her hubby as such that she only do minimal work around the house, everything else like banking, bills, house and car maintenance all done by her hubby. Now she has to do everything herself. One look at them, one would think that it is her who is sick. As for me, I felt as though I've lost a sister! We used to talk about everything under the sun and I can always count on her in anything. Now she only talk about her hubby and ways and means to fight his illness, to stay on, to ease their burden. And I, try my very best to be the understanding sister, the shoulder she can cry on and the immediate help that she could use at any time. I become the nanny to her kids whenever they have to go to the hospital and fetch the kids to and fro school. 

I pray that my BIL will recover and one day we shall look back at this and smile and say, yes we survived the ordeal. But should he succumbed to it, I pray that we all are strong enough to face it. We have to be, for the sake of his small children and for my fragile sister. I sometimes think about situation like this, not that I want it to happen, but just thinking of what could be the worst thing that could happen to me in life. But I always think about it happening to me. I would never want it to happen to anybody else especially this sister. She is the most 'fragile' among all my sisters. Then again who are we to predict the path that one has to go through in this life. Allah surely has a plan for all of us, which at the end of it will benefit us in one way or another. There's a hikmah within everything that happens to us, only we realise it or not. We can only plan, He knows best. 


For those happens to read this entry, please pray that my BIL will recover and my sister will be strong to face this test. InsyaAllah.

It's not that easy!

Who says making money through the internet is easy? Who says? It's not and it sure takes a lot of time, patience and some creativity. While I still believe it can be done, I'm really crawling to get to the point of no return. I'm struggling perhaps due the technicalities of it, or perhaps because of a vague goal?

The truth is, it's the same with anything that we want to do and achieve in this life. You have to have a clear goal and a SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time) target. Errr... obviously I lack that (what a shame!). I have to wake up everyday with that specific goal in mind and plans for the day. What I do daily is mostly routine work which sometimes really slow me down to meet my ultimate goal. Though I'm so desperate to meet my goal, my actions are not desperate enough.

OK so what I should now is, just as my online mentor says, I need to promote promote promote. I need to leave my mombiz trail wherever I go on the net. I need to create the mom-lifestyle aura wherever I am in the net. Ohhhhohhh... help! Gimme the zest! I need a boost of energy and motivation, morale, and such! Go go go.. WAHM.

I am a WAHM

I've been wanting to be a Work At Home Mom ever  since I quit my job in 2009. It's been two years and still ... I am still a stay at home mom TRYING to be a Work at Home Mom. I have made some efforts, worked some plans, bought some books, registered myself to online courses.. and the list goes on. Nothing works.. yet.

A month ago, out of boredom as well as a bit of desperation (as my bank account is drying up!) I signed up for a work at home ad. Not that I've never done this before but I'm rather serious this time. I had to do it. I did some deep thinking about the whole thing. I know how it works. They are all the same. It requires some efforts, continuous efforts. Nothing is easy. It's just like working 9-5, you still need to work. That's why it's called work at home. The challenge is a lot more though. You really have to be discipline on time allocation, otherwise you will not make it. Then you have to be online. If you are not a techie, it's not a problem, your mentor should teach you. Yup, you should have a mentor to be successful in this line (a mentor is great to have for whatever line you are in, don't you think?)

Another important success factor is motivation. Staying at home you tend to have low morale.. most of the time. It is always stressful (well at least for me!) to have a routine housework to do and no time for yourself. To actually work at home, plus all the never ending housework to do, is no joke. There are times that you don't feel like "working" as you just want to rest. Motivation comes in a few forms really, motivation from your mentor in any aspects, motivation from yourself as to why you need to work, or even motivation from external factor like "hey, I'm working too!".. well something like that. 

Really, it's a lot of work. But I want to do it.. I have to do it. If many people have been successful doing it, why not me. All I need is some patience, some investment, and lots and lots of time!

For a start, this is only what I've come up with, mombiz. Check it out!

Lazy mode

Looks like I'm in the longest lazy mode ever to update this blog. The truth is I've so much to blog about like the Chinese New Year outing, Elephant Sanctuary trip, Irsyad's new school, my high school reunion, my latest work at home project... the list goes on. And I don't think I can ever catch up with the list. So let's just forget it. Next week is already the first term school break. Already! Perhaps I can blog about our trip to Kuching next week. Let's hope the mode is changed by then.

Tough decision

Perhaps it was the toughest decision I have to make in my current life. It has to be because I was so stressed about it that I fell sick. I have decided to take Irsyad out from Imtiaz over to MRSM. Why was it such a difficult decision? I felt as though I have sinned! I'm robbing him the chance of being a tahfiz that's why. I still made that decision because I felt that it was the right decision which has been discussed between me, hubby and Irsyad. I took into consideration of the distance, the living condition as well as Irsyad's preference. But I know for sure this is not the decision agreed by many around me. They thought I took it too easy. They thought that I'm too soft, gave in too easily. And they thought I'm not thinking far enough, only thinking of the comfort of life, and not think the life after. But whatever they think of me, be it. It is me who has to raise my son, it is me who has to bear the cost-  cost of time, energy and not to mention RM.
So be it. Perhaps I'm still stressed as it's been over a week now,yet I have yet to recover from my cough and flu! But the decision stays.

It is one lonely planet

Suddenly life becomes incomplete. The house is quieter than usual. There's always leftover meals. What seemed to be not enough before seemed to be too much! The laundry basket shrinks. 

It's all because one little darling has hopped off to another planet. No longer in my planet. Irsyad has settled himself in a hostel (which unfortunately has become my constant worry!). We decided (including him) that he should give it a try. I was not impressed at all with his living condition though the school claimed to be one of the top school in the state. But he seemed to living it pretty well. No complaint whatsoever. One thing about boarding schools in Malaysia is that you don't get what you chose. And you always have to settle for whatever they give you. Well of course, unless you have the RM and choose the best and the most comfortable one for your child to live in. 

It's only been two weeks now. Irsyad went to my sister's place for the weekend they were allowed home. He was ok ok and ok. Somehow after the weekend I think he's beinning to feel homesick. He called me and told me if he has another chance, he wants to be transferred to another boarding school closer to home. UUUUUhhhhh! I said I will try but I can't promise anything. Again.. the thing is you can't choose. 

Meanwhile, in the lonely planet, Syasya has taken over Abang's bed and seemed to be getting very independent. Eussuv on the other hand has becomed a bit reserved. No abang to bully him or him to bully. It's rather obvious that he's missing abang but never admit it one bit. Mom and Dad talk about Abang everyday and wait for his calls. Haha.. so much of trying teach a child to be independent!

I hope this will be temporary as we are getting used to it!

Oh, and a HOLIDAY it was!

I think this is the shortest school holiday ever. And it was filled with too many things and events. But most importantly, kids are the happiest as most of the happenings involved them and revolved around them. What else is there if it's not for them!

If I were to list down what we've been doing this holidays, it would be like this..

Week 1 - swimming, hopping from one house to another between my house and my sister's

Week 2 & 3 - Kem tahfiz in the morning. Afternoons are filled with "facebooking", futsal, or simply lepaking around. 

 End of week 3 - a one night stay in Kuala Terengganu. The trip was an unplanned one to attend Irsyad's interview at Imtiaz, a school fully funded by Yayasan Terengganu. While we attended the interview, the kids had fun at the swimming pool at my sister's place. Omar nearly drowned as he simply jumped into the pool without his float. Luckily my nephew saw him and took him out. He said he forgot to put on his float!!!

Week 4 - 6 Another busy week full of little activities like going to friends' houses, play futsal, lots and lotsa FBs, birthday parties, weddings, malls .. - all these really took up my time. The highlight of the week was an unplanned trip to a very remote resort with white waters in it. The place is called Kalumpang, somewhere in the border of Selangor and Perak. Beats me, I never heard of this place before. Believe it or not, it was the kids' first taste of river! Everybody loved it though it was the shortest trip ever (as it was so unplanned!)
Another highlight of the week was the results of Irsyad's interview. A rather unexpected result where he managed to secure a place in Imtiaz. It was rather surprising as we never expected to get accepted as everything was done last minute, from the application right to the decision to go to the interview. But I guess God has better plans for us. I just hope that he can cope with the school syllabus as it is an Ulul Albab school with visions to produce Al-Hafiz within three years from the year the students enter the school.
Week 7 - Preparation for school. Oh this will be the toughest week! There are too many things to do, books, uniforms, shoes, stationeries, etc. And additional preparation for Irsyad's going away to the boarding school.

On top of all these, there were trips to the dentist every week for Irsyad's orthodontist treatment. It had just started and I need to get it done before he goes off to Terengganu. We also had two ENT appointment early and end December for Irsyad's sinusitis which had worsened since October. Fortunately, the ENT specialist (a very handsome and kind doctor - I was very distracted - haha!) diagnosed him not having a sinusitis but just allergic rhinitis as well as his narrow nose structure which worsens his allergic. 

Having listed down all the activities, it's no wonder that I'm dead tired at the end of the day. They are hungry most of the time, their toys and things are everywhere in the house, they wear more than one set of clothes everyday if they play futsal, and not to mention sometimes they invite friends and cousins over!

There's also some workers who came to fix the defects in my house since the school holidays started. These defects include cracked walls and tiles, leaks in the toilet, and leaks in the porch. At one point, I had my toilet tiles being taken off and floor being dug to find the source of the leaks as the leak was quite bad. We had to endure the dust up and down as the workers were in and out of the house. 

Now that the holidays are almost over, I'm actually quite glad. Even though it will mean my routine chauffeuring job will be back! I just hope next year will be a better year, more prosperous and I hope I can fare better as a mom, a wife, and of course as a person as a whole. 

Happy New Year everybody!!