Another life intersection

 When I read my last post, I wonder what triggered it. Must be something that really made me sad, as always. Writing is my therapy. Judging from the frequency of my writing, I sure did not have as much therapy that I should have. Often time I want to write so much just to pour out what's inside me, but I couldn't due to many reasons. Real reasons as well as excuses. 

I have missed August and September posts.. how time flies! August was a busy month .. I couldn't even remember why! But September.. it was really great! From the beginning of September I was busy preparing for my overseas trip.. a trip that I'd been anticipating, though not quite believe it was gonna happen. It did. It really happened. Done and dusted to my disbelief. Sometimes things just happened without you realizing it. It was kind of dream comes true with different picture but equally satisfying. Weird as it sound but Allah made it happen for me. Alhamdulillah. I couldn't be more grateful. Alhamdulillah I also celebrated my birthday with Eussuv and his friends for a change, instead of my own friends. And those in the homeland even forgot to wish me!! The best birthday present ever, of mountains, seas, sunset as well as the lively city. What more could I ask for. I won't even complain about my crippling knees! No matter what, I will surely come back, with different companions... a livelier and happier companions.. just to enjoy the moment more. If you know what I mean. Regardless!

At this very moment, I kinda feel like I'm at an intersection. Life intersection. I've been wanting to do something for a long long time but never get around it. An escape. An escape from a sometimes torturous world I live in. An escape that would change life forever. It could be bad or it could be good. Though I believe it is good for me. I truly believe it is good for me. But it is not that simple. It could be a long painful process, or maybe a short one if agreeable by the other party. I believe I deserve this. I believe it will be good for everyone. It could be a lonely road to trudge, but hey, if it means a peaceful life, I want to go through it, The question is do I dare to take the step. Is there a strong enough reason in the eye of the world I live in, in the eye of the law... that is what made me hesitate. BUT other people are not in my shoes, they wouldn't know the real truth, let alone know why I'm doing it. My life seemed to be almost perfect on the outside but only me and god knows the real truth. 

I'm still planning in my head, trying to find the best way for this escape. It may not be an escape, rather it's a journey to a new life that I wanted so much. At this age, truth is, it is an almost impossible step to take. But I will never know unless I tried. Nothing is ever too late in life. You decide. It is your life. 

Indeed writing is a therapy. I feel much better after I've penned it down. Even if it doesn't happen, at least I know, I've a got a plan. 

O Allah, give me the strength to go through this. Show me the right path. Only You will make it happen, only You know if this is the best!

The life that is beyond me

 Life is often reflected as a cycle. Babies to toddlers to kids to teens to adults to senior citizens and .. back to kids and babies again? Depends.. some people do go to that extent of life. I pray that I will not. I pray that if I were to die, I hope my death will be a quick one.. without any prolong illness, without having to go through the "baby" stage where people around me have to care for me. I pray that I will die in good faith, a peaceful one not in a horrifying and bloody one. I pray that I will be able to utter the shahadah before my last breath. I pray that my eldest will lead the last rite for me. Ahhh so much hope I have thought about.. I pray that God will grant all of it.

As I have reached this point of life, the life before me always come reflected in front of me ... how I wasted or enjoyed my youth, how I chose my life to be what it is today. How many opportunities that I have let go, how many opportunities I have grabbed. And yet, truth to be told, all these have been destined to be. Allah is the best planner. There should be NO whatifs. There should be no regret since these are all Allah's plans. No matter how much you want it to be different, Allah knows best and he has planned it as such even though it is not to your liking, but it is the best for you. I have  thought about it over and over again, what if I have chosen the other road, how would life be? But yeah, it remains a thought. I am not one who dares enough to make drastic change in my life.. no I'm not. I am the one who faces come what may.. not daring enough to get out. I don't know.. I just don't have the strength!

And even where the children are concerned, I now leave all to Allah. It is beyond me to control what's happening in their lives once they reached their independence. I wish they can stay as they were before, asking me for permission and advice. That's no longer the case. I wish and wish they are still my babies. It hurts to think that they might even dislike me. Then again, I have no power and control over them anymore. Hence, I leave it all to Allah. I pray that things will go their way, I pray that they will love me unconditionally just as I love them, I pray that they will remain in their iman, that they maintain their faith. I pray that they will have a better life as compared to me. I pray they will meet all the good people in their lives, meet a good loving partner who will lead them to jannah. I pray for all the good things going their way. And even if they face challenges in life, they know how to handle it well. 

I can be the spectator of their lives, whether or not they allow me to step in their lives, I wouldn't know. My heart is heavy with so much love for them. And I hope they love me too. 

This is one emotional post that I hope my children will be able to read someday when I am gone. No I don't wish to go so soon.. there are so much more I want to do in life. But at this very moment I'm feeling very tired of 'life's affairs' that I feel like being shut down is OK .. though I'm wayyy from being ready!

One grateful note to self

 June is here. Five months of 2022 have passed. Attended many many weddings, as well as funerals. As life goes on, as age adds on, you realise your remaining time has shortened. There are still dreams unfulfilled though. But even that sometimes is no longer your priority. But hey, God never want you to wait for your final moments. Every moment counts. Hence make the most of it. 

Talked to a dear friend yesterday.. we concluded that there's no stopping of doing whatever you want to do regardless of age. That is also another way of keeping you healthy, mentally and physically. Not doing anything invites further deterioration of your body and mind. At this very moment I'm not quite fit physically but hey my mind is all up for anything. In shaa Allah. Hence me writing today, to fill up my time since I cannot go up and about as usual. May Allah grant me syifa' . this too will pass!

Though I'm feeling a bit sluggish I am still thankful for the abundance of nikmat Allah has granted upon. This discomfort is nothing compared to the hardship of others who have it worse. Alhamdulillah.

May all be well for me and the kids too!

And HE is indeed the MOST KIND, the BEST LISTENER, the BEST planner

 Indeed HE is...

Often times when you think you've given up on life and you pray and pray hoping that you are being heard. And He granted your wish at the very moment when you thought it is just hopeless. No.. never underestimate your prayer because He listens to ALL your prayers and grant them... in the perfect timing. Just truly believe it, trust, and have faith.. When it really happens, you see the beauty of life, the best plan He has for you and how thankful you are .. it is simply amazing, magical. Subhanallah. 

Never stop praying, with efforts, good intention, it will happen.

Life is short, make the most of it, be the best.

Looking forward to more things in life ... and prepare for the hereafter.

What I really want NOW

 Can't believe it's March of 2022 and tomorrow is April 2022. What have I achieved in these three months? Almost nothing! But at this age I no longer count any achievement. All I want is some quiet peaceful life with people who really appreciate me for who I am, not what I am. And having said that I did manage to have some wonderful moments with people whom I want to hang out with. So I'm doing OK I guess.

I no longer seek material fulfilment in life these days. It's too late to ask me what's my dream in life at this age, cos I believe I have a very short remaining years of life. But my dream from the age I was in my 20s remains unfulfilled. Yes I do believe I still can do it, I pray that someday, in this life, I still can do it. It's just that at this point of life I need to tweak it a little but to make it doable. I just want to see the world. Simple. Previously my dream statement was "I want to travel the world solo" .. at my current condition I need to drag someone along .. just not to make it too obvious an old lady travelling alone and god knows if she can suddenly drop dead!

So this is my dream statement.. I want to go to a place far away from here, to the other side of the continent, to see the beauty of god's creation, to see the wonders of nature.. ON MY OWN.. or with somebody who can appreciate nature as much as I do, who doesn't mind a travel with no specific itinerary, a travel where you can make any mistakes, a travel where you can miss the bus or train, a travel with no one breathing down your neck.. a travel that is full of enjoying the scenery, sunsets, sunrises.. a travel where a shopping mall must be avoided! I want to sleep under under the moon, sleep with the sound of the waves or a howling fox (??) or perhaps the sounds of whatever animal there may be. Definitely not the sound of bustling city. I want to feel the sea breeze or the mountain breeze.. or perhaps drive through a scenic autumn falling leaves.. I want to sit around a campfire with a bunch of giggling girls by the sea, minding only our own business. I want to go exploring an island by foot or a bike... I want to stay in a log cabin in winter and curl up in front of a fireplace with a good book and a good (an understatement, romantic one perhaps?) companion.. and just do nothing. OHHHHHH SUCH LIFE... can it really happen??

OH Dear God.. listen to my prayers.. I believe in your miracle and I believe you will grant my prayers if this is good for me.....

Ohh this and that of 2021

 Too many things has happened within a short span of three months since July. Way too many that I felt like an hour flew by in a minute. And because of that, I put off writing it here.. even though too many times I would replay it in my mind and let the words flow as though I'm writing. There are days I wanted so much to write but I was just not physically up to it. Regardless, I am still thankful for so many things. I am thankful I am healthy, though with some hiccup of body wear and tear, I am still able to eat well, sleep well, spend well, and life is as normal as it can be but it comes with some chaotic situations. 

MCO has really taken a toll on me at some point, when I basically dread the day, the day of the same routine everyday with restricted movement to anywhere, with fear of the virus lurking around the corner ever so ready to land on anyone who are not careful enough. It is one scary thought, I am physically and mentally tired just by thinking about. Looking at the numbers everyday scared me. The quarantine centers swarmed with people, the ICU was spilled over with the very sick ones, too overloaded that they had to choose who they would choose to live. That bad. It was a war zone everywhere. The invisible war that the only weapon we had is that to get ourselves protected on our own. Thankfully up to now, none of us, or those near us has been infected. I can't thank Allah enough for protecting us. And thankfully so, we have been safely vaccinated, all of us except one who is underaged, but getting there. Alhamdulillah. I pray hard we are always protected and make sure we are always on our guard. Though some people though you can never be careful enough because you never know where it slipped through. But I believe, it's all in God's hands.

Alhamdulillah, things are getting better. Though cautious measures are being implemented and imposed, people just can't wait to get their normal lives back. But it will never normal again. The new normal has replaced the normal of our lives. The world we live in is no longer the world we used to know. The advanced plan people had in their lives may have changed to another advanced plan to include the new normal. The whole wide world has been changed and turned to something else one way or the other.

Just as THIS is not enough, somehow my household has changed too. Somehow, suddenly there are way too many cats allowed in the house to my liking. I protested in the beginning but I lost the battle. Who am I to fight this alone! And THIS has nothing to do with the new normal out there... but it has become a new normal in this household. I fought a lot even with tears on this... to no avail. Oh well perhaps someday! I am too old to fight these days. I just pray that someday, perhaps in heaven, I shall get what I really want..... providing that I go to heaven

Another new normal, one person has been replaced by another. God has worked His wonders again and again. Eussuv has flown to Istanbul for his studies. Another miracle Allah has granted us. And two days before his departure, my SIL's husband passed away leaving her all alone in this world as they have no children. And that, being the only 'able' son in the family, my dear hubs has to take her in with us.. at least until she is over her bereavement period. I am ok will all that since I lost Eussuv to Turkey, we have an empty room for her fill. It must be lonely, I feel her. 

There are just too many changes I just couldn't pen it down. In no particular order, things just happened. And I am in no power to stop it no let something I need happens just because I want/ need it. I leave it all to God.

It is still here!

 It has been six months into the year and the virus is still raging. It looks like there's no end to it. We all pray so hard that it'll go away soon. Nope. It hasn't. It killed too many innocent lives already and still is. It is us who have to fight back. It needs our strength. Oh Allah.. please give us the strength.

We are in the third movement control order (MCO 3.) and the cases are the worst ever. We pray that it will not get any worse by curbing it with the MCO. But some people wont just listen! They simply ignore the rules thinking that it will not happen to them! How selfish!

I pray that my next entry will be of something cheerful.. I hope there'll be no more talk of the virus. It's like a zombie world out there.. full of zombies trying to infect people. The world really has come to the end perhaps..