Heyyyaaaa...
Before March is over.. I made one little progress. I am blogging using
my newly refurbished laptop. Oh wow..never would I thought the day would come.
As you would have guessed, I am testing this baby.. whether it works fine, whether it can help me write better (err...hmmm), whether I can get used to the big keyboard, and whether my want is really satisfied. Sometimes when you want so much for something to happen, since you waited for too long, when it actually happened, you actually get over excited, or it can easily dampen your spirit with one tiny little thing that goes wrong. So far, after one hour having it on my lap.. I am a liiiitttleee bit disappointed.. just a tiny one. Maybe I expected too much since I waited too long.. But I shouldn't complain much, instead I should be grateful for what I have. Alhamdulillah.
So next step, without further ado, without any excuses, I should be able to write more, do more things online that generates money, take up that training, and do zillion other things that I was not able to before..
So.. Just DO IT!!
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Monday, March 11, 2019
Cost of procrastination
Welcome March and Rejab. A sacred month much awaited by many. Another two months to Ramadhan. Already. Time seemed to move ahead of me. I am very much left behind.
I have yet to increase my sales.
I have yet to enroll into that writing class.
I have yet to enroll into the translation class.
I have yet to get a new laptop.
I HAVE YET TO MOVE ON!
Time is running out. What are you waiting for?
Perhaps I know.. There'll be light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously don't know what is wrong with me.
GOD PLEASE HELP.
I have yet to increase my sales.
I have yet to enroll into that writing class.
I have yet to enroll into the translation class.
I have yet to get a new laptop.
I HAVE YET TO MOVE ON!
Time is running out. What are you waiting for?
Perhaps I know.. There'll be light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously don't know what is wrong with me.
GOD PLEASE HELP.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Testing
Ahah! I surpass the count of two entries for a year! Way to go!!
Inspired by a real writer friend on the social media, reading her posts, reading her ramblings, I realised that my ramblings are all too general. Nothing deep, nothing specific. It's all about my feelings. My feelings about life, about people's life.. about how I can live my life. It's very dry. No wonder nobody reads my blog ( other than the fact that I am too shy to announce to the world that I have a blog!)!
So perhaps I should talk about my kids, my past life - in school, in the university, my childhood. The only challenge is that I vaguely remember my past. Really. There are so many things that I can't recall. Not that I ever had a bump in head or anything, it's just that I had a poor memory, that's all. But I will try. I will try to recall memories and make it interesting, just as my writer friend did. She made the unbearable situation becomes lively, colourful and interesting to read. The power of words.
Perhaps I should try first by recalling my childhood memories. I had such a great childhood. The kind childhood I wish my kids would experience. It's only common to have such childhood in the 70s where you can just roam around your hometown or village without having to worry of being kidnapped, raped or simply disappear like the way it is today. My childhood was full of cycling around the village with my best friend, playing in the flood during rainy reason (not many kids experienced this as it only happened in some areas in this country), camping in the back yard during long school holidays and not forgetting the games we played, ranging from rounders, football, and Malay traditional games... all in our front yard with the village kids. It was so much fun, exhilarating!
We lived in a small village where everybody knows each other, harmoniously regardless of race and religion. That's the beauty of a living in a village. I know almost everyone in the village for at least within a stretch of maybe 200m of each side of my house. And yet today, I don't know who lives even only 3 doors away from me.. and it's in a terraced link house, not a village house on a plot of land.
Ok tested. That's the kind of writing I should venture into. I failed miserably. I need a lot of practice,. But who's checking??? I need a guru.
So this is kind of a testing entry. I should fare better in my next post. We should try to narrow the subject, be specific, be focused.
Inspired by a real writer friend on the social media, reading her posts, reading her ramblings, I realised that my ramblings are all too general. Nothing deep, nothing specific. It's all about my feelings. My feelings about life, about people's life.. about how I can live my life. It's very dry. No wonder nobody reads my blog ( other than the fact that I am too shy to announce to the world that I have a blog!)!
So perhaps I should talk about my kids, my past life - in school, in the university, my childhood. The only challenge is that I vaguely remember my past. Really. There are so many things that I can't recall. Not that I ever had a bump in head or anything, it's just that I had a poor memory, that's all. But I will try. I will try to recall memories and make it interesting, just as my writer friend did. She made the unbearable situation becomes lively, colourful and interesting to read. The power of words.
Perhaps I should try first by recalling my childhood memories. I had such a great childhood. The kind childhood I wish my kids would experience. It's only common to have such childhood in the 70s where you can just roam around your hometown or village without having to worry of being kidnapped, raped or simply disappear like the way it is today. My childhood was full of cycling around the village with my best friend, playing in the flood during rainy reason (not many kids experienced this as it only happened in some areas in this country), camping in the back yard during long school holidays and not forgetting the games we played, ranging from rounders, football, and Malay traditional games... all in our front yard with the village kids. It was so much fun, exhilarating!
We lived in a small village where everybody knows each other, harmoniously regardless of race and religion. That's the beauty of a living in a village. I know almost everyone in the village for at least within a stretch of maybe 200m of each side of my house. And yet today, I don't know who lives even only 3 doors away from me.. and it's in a terraced link house, not a village house on a plot of land.
Ok tested. That's the kind of writing I should venture into. I failed miserably. I need a lot of practice,. But who's checking??? I need a guru.
So this is kind of a testing entry. I should fare better in my next post. We should try to narrow the subject, be specific, be focused.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
A friend in need is a friend INDEED
Somebody posted about having a "new best friend" today. I am not sure what this person meant by having a new best friend. Is she somebody you just knew and just hit it off and give you presents? Is she somebody who keeps you company at THAT very moment when everyone else had no time for you or you already got tired of your old friends? I am not sure. And this is the very same friend who "unfriend" me because she thinks we don't have the same goal in life, or something like that.
Also today, for the umpteenth time in my whole lifetime of knowing this person whom I used to call best friend, treated me like as though I am just a nobody. Perhaps I said something wrong, perhaps I didn't show that I cared enough, perhaps she's too stressed over things that I seemed to be a tiny matter to her. PERHAPS. But still I shall regard her as A friend as I don't want to lose her. I will just regard this as another 'bad phase' of a friendship.
Friends... I have very few whom I treasure more than diamonds (and mind you I don't live in many circle of friends). They are almost the air that I breathe.. I simply cannot live without them. Hence when a friend treated me differently as my expectation, I am hurt, deeply. OK I may not have a big heart, not big enough to have it protected from hurt.
Somebody once said, friends come and go like waves of the ocean, the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face. It is not who came in your life first, but who stays until the end. This is so so true. All throughout my life I have passed by so many people that I barely remember. Some memories remain in your head forever some just brushed you off and gone with the wind. Even so, I am grateful for everyone I have met and knew, for each brings new precious experience that you gather in life.
I can't emphasize enough how important they are to me. But as time goes by, as you age, as much as you want to keep them all, you know you are drifting away. For many reasons, good or bad. Only the few true ones that you can count on, the ones who are with you through thick and thin, stays. I am so grateful I have those, though very few.
If any of my friends reading this, I love you and I'm glad that you are still my friend..
Also today, for the umpteenth time in my whole lifetime of knowing this person whom I used to call best friend, treated me like as though I am just a nobody. Perhaps I said something wrong, perhaps I didn't show that I cared enough, perhaps she's too stressed over things that I seemed to be a tiny matter to her. PERHAPS. But still I shall regard her as A friend as I don't want to lose her. I will just regard this as another 'bad phase' of a friendship.
Friends... I have very few whom I treasure more than diamonds (and mind you I don't live in many circle of friends). They are almost the air that I breathe.. I simply cannot live without them. Hence when a friend treated me differently as my expectation, I am hurt, deeply. OK I may not have a big heart, not big enough to have it protected from hurt.
Somebody once said, friends come and go like waves of the ocean, the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face. It is not who came in your life first, but who stays until the end. This is so so true. All throughout my life I have passed by so many people that I barely remember. Some memories remain in your head forever some just brushed you off and gone with the wind. Even so, I am grateful for everyone I have met and knew, for each brings new precious experience that you gather in life.
I can't emphasize enough how important they are to me. But as time goes by, as you age, as much as you want to keep them all, you know you are drifting away. For many reasons, good or bad. Only the few true ones that you can count on, the ones who are with you through thick and thin, stays. I am so grateful I have those, though very few.
If any of my friends reading this, I love you and I'm glad that you are still my friend..
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
A new year.. A new path maybe?
This is progress! I am writing in January. I shall pat myself on the back for the effort.
I have seen time goes by without me doing anything, writing anything. 2018 or even the years before that have seen me wasting my time and trying this and that. There are failures and successes. But yet still no major breakthrough. It is never too late to start anything regardless the age. The most important thing is that you start something. I have been wanting to write, write and write. Perhaps getting my major breakthrough through my writing. But I never get around seriously into it. Well perhaps I never take things seriously anymore these days. I should establish a routine, a healthy routine to take my life seriously. For example, establish a routine to exercise daily, write daily, look for clients daily. There you go, as simple as that. This has been taught to me years ago, they even give me a schedule to follow, but I never did! Just as somebody pointed to me, with me she didn't know what button to press to move me.. Everybody has a soft button that will make you move from your complacent life.. But looking at it, nobody ever find that soft button in me yet in terms of improving the quality of my life. (is my life that bad?)
Moving forward, other than a new routine... it's all about content, content and content. You must start writing some content. That's the best advice somebody gave me this early of the year. It is so true.. How can I even start compiling when I don't even have content.
Perhaps the next move is find somebody to become my mentor in this field. I have found one! Just I am not sure if she will take me under her wings.. I should start by asking her.
It is all about taking that crucial step to START!
So this is really a progress. I have started.
And next.. make it a routine.
I have seen time goes by without me doing anything, writing anything. 2018 or even the years before that have seen me wasting my time and trying this and that. There are failures and successes. But yet still no major breakthrough. It is never too late to start anything regardless the age. The most important thing is that you start something. I have been wanting to write, write and write. Perhaps getting my major breakthrough through my writing. But I never get around seriously into it. Well perhaps I never take things seriously anymore these days. I should establish a routine, a healthy routine to take my life seriously. For example, establish a routine to exercise daily, write daily, look for clients daily. There you go, as simple as that. This has been taught to me years ago, they even give me a schedule to follow, but I never did! Just as somebody pointed to me, with me she didn't know what button to press to move me.. Everybody has a soft button that will make you move from your complacent life.. But looking at it, nobody ever find that soft button in me yet in terms of improving the quality of my life. (is my life that bad?)
Moving forward, other than a new routine... it's all about content, content and content. You must start writing some content. That's the best advice somebody gave me this early of the year. It is so true.. How can I even start compiling when I don't even have content.
Perhaps the next move is find somebody to become my mentor in this field. I have found one! Just I am not sure if she will take me under her wings.. I should start by asking her.
It is all about taking that crucial step to START!
So this is really a progress. I have started.
And next.. make it a routine.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Crossroads, desperation
I am at a crossroads! Between doing something I like best and something that generates income if I work just a little bit harder. My passion is writing, reading, translating.. Somehow due to lack of further knowledge, lack of marketing, tight finance, I cannot move much further. Is it really? Or is it just my excuse? I refuse to acknowledge it as an excuse. True, I didn't try hard enough. I didn't really work on expanding my passion. I am too busy dealing with what life is giving me.. When I should be the one giving life a meaning? By just writing this down, I know I really am at the crossroads. I am desperate for life to change for the better but not desperate enough to change what I do in life to make it better. It is so cliche. It is the same bad, very bad cliche sang by many! The very cliche most hated by all the motivational speakers who try to motivate you to change your life. Ohhh yeahhh... I've attended wayyyy too many of those and still nowhere on the road to success.
Oh and there's the other choice that can generate income if I work just a little bit harder. The one that paid my bills for the past few years. So why am I at a crossroads when this one pays the bills? Because... I am somehow lost in it.. I really have to kick my ass hard to make it move all this while. Not that I hate it that much but somehow I am losing it day by day. I move too slowly even how hard I've been kicked in the ass to get moving. See what I mean? It still pays the bill but my bills seemed to be bigger and the pay has somehow gotten less since I don't move much.
I am writing this to express my frustration with myself for not being able to solve this. For being too complacent living in hardship though knowing that I need to get out of it. I desperately need to get out. I am sick and tired of not doing anything to make this life better. I am sick and tired of being the righteous one.I am sick and tired of being in the same position of where I was 6 years ago. I survived, yes I survived thank God! I always do. God is always there listening to me and granting my prayers. Never before that I am left with no food on the table or no shelter over my head. Never, ever. Alhamdulillah, for he is the Most Merciful, the Most Loving.
But He also wouldn't want me to just ask and ask and ask without any effort. It is the effort that is required for me to get out this misery. No I will not say now that..Yes I am gonna it now, or the first thing tomorrow morning. No. I will do it when my urge is so bad that whatever I do, whenever I do it, I scored right away. My urge must be so so bad right now that I am able to write this without even thinking. I am so desperate that I thought I could burst.. I am so desperate that I feel like picking up the phone and beg people to give me jobs now at this hour! I am so desperate that I feel like banging my head on the wall... or drive as fast as I could to nowhere.
And I don't even care who reads this. I might as well exposed my real life situation rather that sickly pretending that everything is ok. IT IS NOT OK! Who am I trying to kid..
Oh dear God, please have Mercy!
Oh and there's the other choice that can generate income if I work just a little bit harder. The one that paid my bills for the past few years. So why am I at a crossroads when this one pays the bills? Because... I am somehow lost in it.. I really have to kick my ass hard to make it move all this while. Not that I hate it that much but somehow I am losing it day by day. I move too slowly even how hard I've been kicked in the ass to get moving. See what I mean? It still pays the bill but my bills seemed to be bigger and the pay has somehow gotten less since I don't move much.
I am writing this to express my frustration with myself for not being able to solve this. For being too complacent living in hardship though knowing that I need to get out of it. I desperately need to get out. I am sick and tired of not doing anything to make this life better. I am sick and tired of being the righteous one.I am sick and tired of being in the same position of where I was 6 years ago. I survived, yes I survived thank God! I always do. God is always there listening to me and granting my prayers. Never before that I am left with no food on the table or no shelter over my head. Never, ever. Alhamdulillah, for he is the Most Merciful, the Most Loving.
But He also wouldn't want me to just ask and ask and ask without any effort. It is the effort that is required for me to get out this misery. No I will not say now that..Yes I am gonna it now, or the first thing tomorrow morning. No. I will do it when my urge is so bad that whatever I do, whenever I do it, I scored right away. My urge must be so so bad right now that I am able to write this without even thinking. I am so desperate that I thought I could burst.. I am so desperate that I feel like picking up the phone and beg people to give me jobs now at this hour! I am so desperate that I feel like banging my head on the wall... or drive as fast as I could to nowhere.
And I don't even care who reads this. I might as well exposed my real life situation rather that sickly pretending that everything is ok. IT IS NOT OK! Who am I trying to kid..
Oh dear God, please have Mercy!
Friday, August 3, 2018
Life as it is
I refuse to let any year goes by without an entry in this quiet blog. I write a lot in my head. But not here. In my dreams, I write. In my dreams, I am indeed a renowned writer. I write books, articles.. published and well liked. I should really pursue my dreams. Perhaps some day.
I saw a draft for an entry that I dare not publish here as it was rather personal. It was also written in August 2017. Something to do about how I was feeling then. Ironically, it is the same exact feeling that I have now. Impossible! But it is the sad truth. I shall keep that as a draft. And publish this post, as a reminder for me to look at it again next year. I truly hope, desperately hope that next year, at this time of the year, I will have something better to say, feeling better, happier and more hopeful.
As I thought life advanced for the better, I am always wrong. Then again, He is the best planner. There is not a single moment in this life that is not planned by Him. He is the Most powerful and the Most merciful. As such I shall accept whatever that is planned for me. No matter how hard I tried to make things better, if it may not be the best for me, it may not work.
Then again, I should be grateful for life as it is. Indeed I am. I am still breathing, healthy, capable, running around, have a roof over my head, food on the table, drive comfortably, sleep comfortably. I have healthy and smart children as well.What else should I be complaining about when my life seemed to be wayyyy better than those living on the streets or under the bridge. And definitely much better than those who had to share a small shack with like 32 people!! There are so many things to be grateful about. So stop complaining about the very same thing haunting you all your life, whatever it may be. Obviously I am trying to calm myself down, to get rid of all the bad feelings that I have now. Trying to look at life in a different perspective so that life doesn't seem to be bad at all..Indeed!
Now let's think.. what sort of book should I start writing?
I saw a draft for an entry that I dare not publish here as it was rather personal. It was also written in August 2017. Something to do about how I was feeling then. Ironically, it is the same exact feeling that I have now. Impossible! But it is the sad truth. I shall keep that as a draft. And publish this post, as a reminder for me to look at it again next year. I truly hope, desperately hope that next year, at this time of the year, I will have something better to say, feeling better, happier and more hopeful.
As I thought life advanced for the better, I am always wrong. Then again, He is the best planner. There is not a single moment in this life that is not planned by Him. He is the Most powerful and the Most merciful. As such I shall accept whatever that is planned for me. No matter how hard I tried to make things better, if it may not be the best for me, it may not work.
Then again, I should be grateful for life as it is. Indeed I am. I am still breathing, healthy, capable, running around, have a roof over my head, food on the table, drive comfortably, sleep comfortably. I have healthy and smart children as well.What else should I be complaining about when my life seemed to be wayyyy better than those living on the streets or under the bridge. And definitely much better than those who had to share a small shack with like 32 people!! There are so many things to be grateful about. So stop complaining about the very same thing haunting you all your life, whatever it may be. Obviously I am trying to calm myself down, to get rid of all the bad feelings that I have now. Trying to look at life in a different perspective so that life doesn't seem to be bad at all..Indeed!
Now let's think.. what sort of book should I start writing?
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