Those whom I long for..

Have you ever missed someone so bad that you think you're going crazy? Have you ever missed someone so much but you know that there's no way that you can see the person? I have! Missing that someone so dear and not being able to release the feeling is the worst kind of feeling. It's painful and sad, heart wrenching at a point. 

Missing someone who is no longer in this world is some kind of an impossible feeling.. a feeling that you know will only make you feel down, useless, sad, painful. The kind that will never be satisfied. It's more like a longing. It can really break you if you hang on to it. You can pin on it, but only for a while.. life must go on. I miss Mak, Bah, Pa. May they have a good life over there. 

But missing someone whom you know is alive and kicking, and you just cannot approach that person due to certain reasons is even worse. You want to so much but you can't. You wonder how the person is doing, you wonder if he/she even ever think of you like you do him/her. You even pray for the person, pray for their good lives, pray that someday, perhaps, that you get to see him/her again. And perhaps pray that he/she opens their hearts for you as in allowing you to be in touch with them again. My heart aches for these people whom I miss. How can one forgets their happy moments with the other person? Perhaps the bad moments are the ones linger in their hearts more and made them refusing to relate to us. There are two persons whom I miss talking to at this moment. These two left an impact in my life at some point or the other. I miss our great moments. But maybe that one bad moment changed things forever. I do want to turn back the time. But I know this has been destined to me for now. But who knows what Allah has in store for me. 

I pray that someday I get to see them again. Be the friends I used to be to them. Talk nonsense for hours, be silly, and perhaps now talk about the remaining times of our lives. How lovely.

Perhaps, someday!

Another life intersection

 When I read my last post, I wonder what triggered it. Must be something that really made me sad, as always. Writing is my therapy. Judging from the frequency of my writing, I sure did not have as much therapy that I should have. Often time I want to write so much just to pour out what's inside me, but I couldn't due to many reasons. Real reasons as well as excuses. 

I have missed August and September posts.. how time flies! August was a busy month .. I couldn't even remember why! But September.. it was really great! From the beginning of September I was busy preparing for my overseas trip.. a trip that I'd been anticipating, though not quite believe it was gonna happen. It did. It really happened. Done and dusted to my disbelief. Sometimes things just happened without you realizing it. It was kind of dream comes true with different picture but equally satisfying. Weird as it sound but Allah made it happen for me. Alhamdulillah. I couldn't be more grateful. Alhamdulillah I also celebrated my birthday with Eussuv and his friends for a change, instead of my own friends. And those in the homeland even forgot to wish me!! The best birthday present ever, of mountains, seas, sunset as well as the lively city. What more could I ask for. I won't even complain about my crippling knees! No matter what, I will surely come back, with different companions... a livelier and happier companions.. just to enjoy the moment more. If you know what I mean. Regardless!

At this very moment, I kinda feel like I'm at an intersection. Life intersection. I've been wanting to do something for a long long time but never get around it. An escape. An escape from a sometimes torturous world I live in. An escape that would change life forever. It could be bad or it could be good. Though I believe it is good for me. I truly believe it is good for me. But it is not that simple. It could be a long painful process, or maybe a short one if agreeable by the other party. I believe I deserve this. I believe it will be good for everyone. It could be a lonely road to trudge, but hey, if it means a peaceful life, I want to go through it, The question is do I dare to take the step. Is there a strong enough reason in the eye of the world I live in, in the eye of the law... that is what made me hesitate. BUT other people are not in my shoes, they wouldn't know the real truth, let alone know why I'm doing it. My life seemed to be almost perfect on the outside but only me and god knows the real truth. 

I'm still planning in my head, trying to find the best way for this escape. It may not be an escape, rather it's a journey to a new life that I wanted so much. At this age, truth is, it is an almost impossible step to take. But I will never know unless I tried. Nothing is ever too late in life. You decide. It is your life. 

Indeed writing is a therapy. I feel much better after I've penned it down. Even if it doesn't happen, at least I know, I've a got a plan. 

O Allah, give me the strength to go through this. Show me the right path. Only You will make it happen, only You know if this is the best!

The life that is beyond me

 Life is often reflected as a cycle. Babies to toddlers to kids to teens to adults to senior citizens and .. back to kids and babies again? Depends.. some people do go to that extent of life. I pray that I will not. I pray that if I were to die, I hope my death will be a quick one.. without any prolong illness, without having to go through the "baby" stage where people around me have to care for me. I pray that I will die in good faith, a peaceful one not in a horrifying and bloody one. I pray that I will be able to utter the shahadah before my last breath. I pray that my eldest will lead the last rite for me. Ahhh so much hope I have thought about.. I pray that God will grant all of it.

As I have reached this point of life, the life before me always come reflected in front of me ... how I wasted or enjoyed my youth, how I chose my life to be what it is today. How many opportunities that I have let go, how many opportunities I have grabbed. And yet, truth to be told, all these have been destined to be. Allah is the best planner. There should be NO whatifs. There should be no regret since these are all Allah's plans. No matter how much you want it to be different, Allah knows best and he has planned it as such even though it is not to your liking, but it is the best for you. I have  thought about it over and over again, what if I have chosen the other road, how would life be? But yeah, it remains a thought. I am not one who dares enough to make drastic change in my life.. no I'm not. I am the one who faces come what may.. not daring enough to get out. I don't know.. I just don't have the strength!

And even where the children are concerned, I now leave all to Allah. It is beyond me to control what's happening in their lives once they reached their independence. I wish they can stay as they were before, asking me for permission and advice. That's no longer the case. I wish and wish they are still my babies. It hurts to think that they might even dislike me. Then again, I have no power and control over them anymore. Hence, I leave it all to Allah. I pray that things will go their way, I pray that they will love me unconditionally just as I love them, I pray that they will remain in their iman, that they maintain their faith. I pray that they will have a better life as compared to me. I pray they will meet all the good people in their lives, meet a good loving partner who will lead them to jannah. I pray for all the good things going their way. And even if they face challenges in life, they know how to handle it well. 

I can be the spectator of their lives, whether or not they allow me to step in their lives, I wouldn't know. My heart is heavy with so much love for them. And I hope they love me too. 

This is one emotional post that I hope my children will be able to read someday when I am gone. No I don't wish to go so soon.. there are so much more I want to do in life. But at this very moment I'm feeling very tired of 'life's affairs' that I feel like being shut down is OK .. though I'm wayyy from being ready!

One grateful note to self

 June is here. Five months of 2022 have passed. Attended many many weddings, as well as funerals. As life goes on, as age adds on, you realise your remaining time has shortened. There are still dreams unfulfilled though. But even that sometimes is no longer your priority. But hey, God never want you to wait for your final moments. Every moment counts. Hence make the most of it. 

Talked to a dear friend yesterday.. we concluded that there's no stopping of doing whatever you want to do regardless of age. That is also another way of keeping you healthy, mentally and physically. Not doing anything invites further deterioration of your body and mind. At this very moment I'm not quite fit physically but hey my mind is all up for anything. In shaa Allah. Hence me writing today, to fill up my time since I cannot go up and about as usual. May Allah grant me syifa' . this too will pass!

Though I'm feeling a bit sluggish I am still thankful for the abundance of nikmat Allah has granted upon. This discomfort is nothing compared to the hardship of others who have it worse. Alhamdulillah.

May all be well for me and the kids too!

And HE is indeed the MOST KIND, the BEST LISTENER, the BEST planner

 Indeed HE is...

Often times when you think you've given up on life and you pray and pray hoping that you are being heard. And He granted your wish at the very moment when you thought it is just hopeless. No.. never underestimate your prayer because He listens to ALL your prayers and grant them... in the perfect timing. Just truly believe it, trust, and have faith.. When it really happens, you see the beauty of life, the best plan He has for you and how thankful you are .. it is simply amazing, magical. Subhanallah. 

Never stop praying, with efforts, good intention, it will happen.

Life is short, make the most of it, be the best.

Looking forward to more things in life ... and prepare for the hereafter.

What I really want NOW

 Can't believe it's March of 2022 and tomorrow is April 2022. What have I achieved in these three months? Almost nothing! But at this age I no longer count any achievement. All I want is some quiet peaceful life with people who really appreciate me for who I am, not what I am. And having said that I did manage to have some wonderful moments with people whom I want to hang out with. So I'm doing OK I guess.

I no longer seek material fulfilment in life these days. It's too late to ask me what's my dream in life at this age, cos I believe I have a very short remaining years of life. But my dream from the age I was in my 20s remains unfulfilled. Yes I do believe I still can do it, I pray that someday, in this life, I still can do it. It's just that at this point of life I need to tweak it a little but to make it doable. I just want to see the world. Simple. Previously my dream statement was "I want to travel the world solo" .. at my current condition I need to drag someone along .. just not to make it too obvious an old lady travelling alone and god knows if she can suddenly drop dead!

So this is my dream statement.. I want to go to a place far away from here, to the other side of the continent, to see the beauty of god's creation, to see the wonders of nature.. ON MY OWN.. or with somebody who can appreciate nature as much as I do, who doesn't mind a travel with no specific itinerary, a travel where you can make any mistakes, a travel where you can miss the bus or train, a travel with no one breathing down your neck.. a travel that is full of enjoying the scenery, sunsets, sunrises.. a travel where a shopping mall must be avoided! I want to sleep under under the moon, sleep with the sound of the waves or a howling fox (??) or perhaps the sounds of whatever animal there may be. Definitely not the sound of bustling city. I want to feel the sea breeze or the mountain breeze.. or perhaps drive through a scenic autumn falling leaves.. I want to sit around a campfire with a bunch of giggling girls by the sea, minding only our own business. I want to go exploring an island by foot or a bike... I want to stay in a log cabin in winter and curl up in front of a fireplace with a good book and a good (an understatement, romantic one perhaps?) companion.. and just do nothing. OHHHHHH SUCH LIFE... can it really happen??

OH Dear God.. listen to my prayers.. I believe in your miracle and I believe you will grant my prayers if this is good for me.....