A Closure

I watched a 'feel good' movie the other day. I thought it was the same happy ending love story, a lost love rekindled. But hey I was wrong. It was actually a kind of a practical ending, an ending that I did not expect but made me feel good all over. It's about a closure in life with not necessarily good ending but teach you something about life. I'm sure all of us had one or two episodes in life that you need a closure to it. I mean, yeah sure, everything goes on, moves on but one or two will need a closure for you to move on to the next level of life, and of course to a better one. Then again, there would also be some episodes that has no closure but you have to deal with it yourself to find the right closure, based on where it's going, how it affects your life or even how it ended. You need to figure it out yourself.

I do have one episode of my life where even up to five years ago I still thought I need to be in touch with the other party to have a proper closure. But I was wrong, so wrong because I think I was expecting something else, not even a real closure. Somehow, God is always showing me the way, making sure I head to the right direction and again save me from wrongdoings. I managed to see the closure without having to clear it up with the other party. Everything that happened led me to the actual closure. Easy. If I had thought about it many many years ago, I would have been in a better position emotionally. I guess that's life is all about, a journey that you go through and learn about many things along the way.

As we usher the new year of 2020, this is not a closure to 2019 but I would say another milestone in the journey. The journey that you don't know when it's gonna end, a journey that even sometimes you don't even want it to end, especially if you haven't even reached the spot that you want to be the most in that journey. Or sometimes you have reached it but you don't even realised you have reached it because you are too busy looking over your shoulder, looking behind (regretting, reminiscing) or ahead (too busy planning for the future that you forgot to live the moment), or thinking that you need more. You are never satisfied with what you have, you want more and more.

2019 has been a great year to me. It has been kind and generous. It has taught me many many things without me realizing. Good and bad, happy and sorrow. I was sometimes too busy to enjoy the moment, too busy to find the happiness when the happiness is just within. I truly truly thank God for what 2019 has been. It was a dull moment in one area but so happening in the other. I just have to be thankful for all of it because each and every one of it taught me something. It was truly a beautiful year without me realizing it. Alhamdulillah.

I am ready for 2020. It will mark another phase of life. The big five 0 is looming over my head but I'm ready, I have to be. I welcome it with open arms. And I hope I will be able to write another entry at the end of 2020 to welcome 2021 and so on. My only wish for the year is to be as healthy as ever, more knowledgeable, more optimistic and positive about life in general. I especially want to be closer to God as well. In shaa Allah.

I shall keep and refer to 2019, and 2020..bring it on...

Life is short

Work has taken a toll on me. While I am so ever grateful that the job finally came.. As I couldn't believe myself I am actually doing it, I really am doing it. Life could not be busier. I'm juggling between like 3-4 hats in a day! Time seems to fly faster than ever. I'm constantly counting the hours and days, deadline after deadlines. And it's only been two months. I wonder how life is for people who have been doing it for years. Whatever so.. I'm not complaining. I take each deadline as a new challenge. I brushed aside all the bad sides of it (yeah, already there), all those whispers of nig nag.. Just go ahead with. There's no right and wrong, it's just how people want it to be. Just bear with it, it won't be long. In shaa Allah, it'll soon be over. And I shall reap my rewards. 

Amidst my struggle with time, came a sad news of the passing of a neighbor. A young caring father of 5 kids, and no doubt a loving husband. They seemed to be the perfect family I envisioned. The ones who have it all, wealth, happiness.. Just perfect. Or at least that's what I see. His passing really moved me. Their perfect life is shattered by the big C. He succumbed to it after a year's fight. Little that we know it came to that end. When I looked over to their house I wonder how it would be, a wife without a sleeping partner, kids without somebody to call 'Ayah'. It's just heart wrenching to think about. I long to lend a shoulder, a helping hand, an ear.. but they keep to themselves most of the time, especially during his sickness, we were not even able to visit. I felt bad being a bad neighbor, sounds like an uncaring neighbor I was. But then again, I have to respect their privacy. It's been over a week, and I still keep thinking about. I just cannot move on and yet there's not much I can do to help.

Life is indeed too short. Unpredictable. Daunting if you think about it. But one has to go through it regardless. After almost 5 decades of life, I shall embrace it more, make the most of it, enjoy every moment, but most importantly be ready for the next life as there where I will be indefinitely.

Life becomes what you want it to be

Ahhh I missed July.. I don't seem to be doing a good job in writing after all, no matter how much I want it. Perhaps there are things that you can't push too hard. It has to come straight from your heart.

Regardless, July and August have been good to me. Perhaps it finally sank in my head that you have to accept life as it is. You have to believe, truly truly believe that Allah has a plan for you, and he is the best planner among all.. He is the best planner of the entire universe, that you shouldn't doubt him not a single bit. Alhamdulillah, ironically the minute I plant this in my head, things seemed to come my way. I am more relaxed though I experience difficulties. Because I prostrate to him and ask him for forgiveness, I ask him to ease my difficulties, give me the clear road ahead to move on. And yes I believe he listens, he knows what's best for me. So just trust him, be patient. Even if I don't get the things I want now, perhaps I shall get it in the afterworld. 

I never have long term plans in my life.. I dream it but I don't actually plan it like some people. I let life take its course without me realising it. Perhaps that is why I keep on looking for things in life. I know for sure there are some things in life that I want (without actually working for it, planning for it, just purely dreaming ). I want to travel the world, going to beautiful mountains and seas.. looking at the beautiful nature God has created for us. So yeah... perhaps someday. Even if I don't get it in this world, perhaps I would enter Jannah and have everything that I want there, at a blink of the eye. Only that, I really have to work hard for it. 

I am so grateful for whatever, and wherever I am now. Grateful for this healthy body, food on the table, shelter above my head, beautiful family and siblings. No I don't regret not being rich, just enough will do. Alhamdulillah. 

Perhaps in my next post I shall write more about happenings.. rather than just my thoughts. OK then, next in line will be my soon to be assumed project or my primary school reunion. We shall see.. 

Eid is here again

Eid is here again after a month fasting in Ramadhan. Ramadhan went by wayyy too fast this time. The world is nearing to an end... That's what we believed in when time flew too fast. Then again, let's live what we are left with first.

Ramadhan has been hectic with work for me. I was editing students' thesis paper.. Paraphrasing to be exact. It took me the whole of Ramadhan to finish 3 whole papers. It took most of my time, my sweat and energy. But somehow I felt like an accomplishment. Aside from earning some good money for Eid, I spent my time well. No K-drama, no TV. It's purely work but not forgetting the quran reciting and Ramadhan prayers. Prayers were still my no.1 priority. Alhamdulillah I managed it well. 

Now I am in between papers and next job to come in. After one full month struggling, now I feel empty with no deadline to rush for. I'm trying to pick up my usual routine again of being a mom, launderette, chauffeur, housekeeper and the list goes on! Not that I didn't do while I was working. I was multitasking at my best! I am also picking up again some religious classes that I have missed, as well as my unit trust submission, classes and meetings. Looks like I will have a full life ahead of me. And trying to be too ambitious, I am applying for more translation and editing job.I really hope things will come my way. Only if God wills. 

On another note, Eid has been good so far. Managed to reunite with my close family members, but yet to meet my close friends. It's coming soon though. It is a month for celebration but at the same time I can feel the stress on my pocket. The more you have, the more you spent, and it seemed that you need much more. Alhamdulillah Allah has given me sufficient for my need. Though I would love for more (human never have enough huh!) I am still very much grateful for what I have. I am grateful for all that I have, gone through and experiencing now. I am grateful for my health, my children, my husband. I am grateful for everything. Alhamdulillah.

My wish for Eid is to strengthen the ukhwah with my families and friends, to be able to be a better person following the good of Ramadhan (I have yet to get there.. soon maybe) and perhaps able to continue my working momentum. 

In shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah. 

Live the moment

It's May! I couldn't believe it. I missed April! After all that hype of having a new laptop.. I actually missed writing in April. So much of having a new tool and yet I didn't write at all!

Ok so what is it that made me missed April? First, it was the excitement of having a new tool was kinda overwhelming. I spent most of my time testing it, installed things that I need to work on it. Then, as though it knows I have this new tool, a job came in that required me to really test the machine. Thennnn only I know and I feel as though I've been cheated. The longer I work on it, the more problems I encountered that made me feel like I REALLY have been cheated on this one. One by one the letters on the keypad cannot be used. After using it for two week, I found at least 3 letters cannot be used or intermittently. At the end of two hellish week of trying to finish my work within the deadline and struggling with the so called cool machine, I happily open my beloved, outdated netbook again. 

So, at this very moment, I am writing happily using my old, lil netbook again. The one that has earned me many many things for the past 10 years. Let it be.. it's ok that it is outdated technologically, it's ok that it is small, it is ok that i have to depend on the power outlet. Yes.. it is ok as long as that I don't have to punch the 'g' or the 'r' key for like 30 times before it actually appear on the screen.. or that I have to move my fingers like everywhere on the touchpad before the cursor actually moved! And it's ok using this lil machine as long I don't have to scream in frustration in the middle of the night.

This is something that taught me another lesson in life. You always thought that things will be better if you get that thing that you've wanted for so long, or you will be better off with so and so, you will feel happier when you reach a certain stage in your life... but the truth is... nooooo... for wherever you are for whatever you are, never wait for something, someone or sometime, to do what you need to do, to feel what you want to feel. 

Live the moment, love the moment, be grateful..

Ramadhan Kareem everyone. Let's pray and pray that this Ramadhan will not be the last Ramadhan for us, and that this Ramadhan will be a better Ramadhan than before. 

One step at a time

Heyyyaaaa...

Before March is over.. I made one little progress. I am blogging using
my newly refurbished laptop. Oh wow..never would I thought the day would come. 

As you would have guessed, I am testing this baby.. whether it works fine, whether it can help me write better (err...hmmm), whether I can get used to the big keyboard, and whether my want is really satisfied. Sometimes when you want so much for something to happen, since you waited for too long, when it actually happened, you actually get over excited, or it can easily dampen your spirit with one tiny little thing that goes wrong. So far, after one hour having it on my lap.. I am a liiiitttleee bit disappointed.. just a tiny one. Maybe I expected too much since I waited too long.. But I shouldn't complain much, instead I should be grateful for what I have. Alhamdulillah.

So next step, without further ado, without any excuses, I should be able to write more, do more things online that generates money, take up that training, and do zillion other things that I was not able to before.. 

So.. Just DO IT!!

Cost of procrastination

Welcome March and Rejab. A sacred month much awaited by many. Another two months to Ramadhan. Already. Time seemed to move ahead of me. I am very much left  behind.

I have yet to increase my sales.
I have yet to enroll into that writing class.
I have yet to enroll into the translation class.
I have yet to get a new laptop.
I HAVE YET TO MOVE ON!
Time is running out. What are you waiting for?
Perhaps I know.. There'll be light at the end of the tunnel.

I seriously don't know what is wrong with me.

GOD PLEASE HELP.

Testing

Ahah! I surpass the count of two entries for a year! Way to go!!

Inspired by a real writer friend on the social media, reading her posts, reading her ramblings, I realised that my ramblings are all too general. Nothing deep, nothing specific. It's all about my feelings. My feelings about life, about people's life.. about how I can live my life. It's very dry. No wonder nobody reads my blog ( other than the fact that I am too shy to announce to the world that I have a blog!)!

So perhaps I should talk about my kids, my past life - in school, in the university, my childhood. The only challenge is that I vaguely remember my past. Really. There are so many things that I can't recall. Not that I ever had a bump in head or anything, it's just that I had a poor memory, that's all. But I will try. I will try to recall memories and make it interesting, just as my writer friend did. She made the unbearable situation becomes lively, colourful and interesting to read. The power of words.

Perhaps I should try first by recalling my childhood memories. I had such a great childhood. The kind childhood I wish my kids would experience. It's only common to have such childhood in the 70s where you can just roam around your hometown or village without having to worry of being kidnapped, raped or simply disappear like the way it is today. My childhood was full of cycling around the village with my best friend, playing in the flood during rainy reason (not many kids experienced this as it only happened in some areas in this country), camping in the back yard during long school holidays and not forgetting the games we played, ranging from rounders, football, and Malay traditional games... all in our front yard with the village kids. It was so much fun, exhilarating!

We lived in a small village where everybody knows each other, harmoniously regardless of race and religion. That's the beauty of a living in a village. I know almost everyone in the village for at least within a stretch of maybe 200m of each side of my house. And yet today, I don't know who lives even only 3 doors away from me.. and it's in a terraced link house, not a village house on a plot of land. 

Ok tested. That's the kind of writing I should venture into. I failed miserably. I need a lot of practice,. But who's checking??? I need a guru. 

So this is kind of a testing entry. I should fare better in my next post. We should try to narrow the subject, be specific, be focused. 

A friend in need is a friend INDEED

Somebody posted about having a "new best friend" today. I am not sure what this person meant by having a new best friend. Is she somebody you just knew and just hit it off and give you presents? Is she somebody who keeps you company at THAT very moment when everyone else had no time for you or you already got tired of your old friends? I am not sure. And this is the very same friend who "unfriend" me because she thinks we don't have the same goal in life, or something like that. 

Also today, for the umpteenth time in my whole lifetime of knowing this person whom I used to call best friend, treated me like as though I am just a nobody. Perhaps I said something wrong, perhaps I didn't show that I cared enough, perhaps she's too stressed over things that I seemed to be a tiny matter to her. PERHAPS. But still I shall regard her as A friend as I don't want to lose her. I  will just regard this as another 'bad phase' of a friendship.

Friends... I have very few whom I treasure more than diamonds (and mind you I don't live in many circle of friends). They are almost the air that I breathe.. I simply cannot live without them. Hence when a friend treated me differently as my expectation, I am hurt, deeply. OK I may not have a big heart, not big enough to have it protected from hurt. 

Somebody once said, friends come and go like waves of the ocean, the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face. It is not who came in your life first, but who stays until the end. This is so so true. All throughout my life I have passed by so many people that I barely remember. Some memories remain in your head forever some just brushed you off and gone with the wind. Even so, I am grateful for everyone I have met and knew, for each brings new precious experience that you gather in life.

I can't emphasize enough how important they are to me. But as time goes by, as you age, as much as you want to keep them all, you know you are drifting away. For many reasons, good or bad. Only the few true ones that you can count on, the ones who are with you through thick and thin, stays. I am so grateful I have those, though very few. 

If any of my friends reading this, I love you and I'm glad that you are still my friend..

A new year.. A new path maybe?

This is progress! I am writing in January. I shall pat myself on the back for the effort. 

I have seen time goes by without me doing anything, writing anything. 2018 or even the years before that have seen me wasting my time and trying this and that. There are failures and successes. But yet still no major breakthrough. It is never too late to start anything regardless the age. The most important thing is that you start something. I have been wanting to write, write and write. Perhaps getting my major breakthrough through my writing. But I never get around seriously into it. Well perhaps I never take things seriously anymore these days. I should establish a routine, a healthy routine to take my life seriously. For example, establish a routine to exercise daily, write daily, look for clients daily. There you go, as simple as that. This has been taught to me years ago, they even give me a schedule to follow, but I never did! Just as somebody pointed to me, with me she didn't know what button to press to move me.. Everybody has a soft button that will make you move from your complacent life.. But looking at it, nobody ever find that soft button in me yet in terms of improving the quality of my life. (is my life that bad?)

Moving forward, other than a new routine... it's all about content, content and content. You must start writing some content. That's the best advice somebody gave me this early of the year. It is so true.. How can I even start compiling when I don't even have content. 

Perhaps the next move is find somebody to become my mentor in this field. I have found one! Just I am not sure if she will take me under her wings.. I should start by asking her.

It is all about taking that crucial step to START!

So this is really a progress. I have started.

And next.. make it a routine.