2026 Please be kind!

I wanted to beat myself and write before the new year came. I lost!

I have no energy, passion nor patience to write at the end of the year. Alhamdulillah this time Allah moved me to write. 

I wanted to write about my achievement, my failure, my joy, my frustration (this one weighs the most)... but maybe not.. it's too cliche huh..

I've had my fair share of achievement and joy in 2025. I had a colorful year, too many events that made the year passed by in a breeze. I have to look back because I want to remember everything but my brain storage has come to the brim and some memories simply slipped out. Many times I wish I remember especially those joyful moment, but who are we to ask. We are driven by Him.. we will remember if He lets us. 

But I remember my frustrations too. It is mostly emotions that left a scar in my heart. And to think of it the scar that has been there for a long time but it always resurface and bleed again, no matter how much I try to heal it. Sometimes it's not even painful anymore, my brain has become immune to it but my hearts still hurt. The only thing is that these days, I try to rationalise it, change my perspective and remind myself that this is by Allah's decree, and I have to accept it for He knows best. No matter how painful it is, I have to accept it because it comes from Allah and we don't know the good in it. 

I hope 2026 will be a better year. As we always wish another new year will be a better year. Isn't life always like that.. life has to progress better. Another year should be better than the year before, even today should be better than yesterday. At this age especially, the age that anything can happen to me anytime, the age that I should look forward to reap what I sow, I shouldn't be 'planning' for life anymore. I should be planning for my afterlife, that is nearer to me now. I should use the rest of my life in peace, harmony, no backbiting, no envy, no regrets, no blaming... just enjoy a quiet peaceful life. I have lived my life before. Except a few things, I have gone through a good life. Alhamdulillah. 

I'm not sure what I'm getting at in this post really. But yeah.. it is the beginning of the year. I sure hope 2026 will bring me more joy, success, good deeds, and I hope I can be a better person for the akhirah. 

So come 2026, bring it on! May Allah ease and guide me.. Aminn..

 

The stories that nurture you

 Listening to my children's stories, rants, complaints or even rage is always my priority. And then it become the story of my life or the story that makes up my experience in life. If I look back in my storage of stories, it is brimming with wonderful, colorful, sad, happy, frustrating stories.. it will make such beautiful book. I don't remember all the stories because as time goes by these stories got hidden away, being pushed down below to accommodate new stories. But some stories remain visible and being remembered forever. Even sad horrible stories, you remember, because it leaves a scar in your heart. And these stories can become good reminders for your life. It becomes the source of good advice that you can give to your children in case they go through the same experience. 

My children are now collecting their own life stories. I don't have much to offer them in terms of materials but I have a lot of stories, advice, and experience to share with them when they need. And i hope these then make up their own life, if i were to go early, before they are ready and when they still need me (just like me when I lost my parents at tender age), I hope these stories and advice will remain with them when they need me the most. I hope my words will soothe them, will dry their tears and will make them strong and smart to face whatever they face in their lives. I truly hope so!

This year I heard most heartbreaking stories from my children. Exam failures, job failures, relationship failures. Every child has his/her own struggles and hurdles that he/she has to face and go through. It breaks my heart every time this happens. I wish I can go through it for them, but hey... I HAVE gone through it before. I have gone through all of it. I have even gone through loss of my parents at their age. So yeah.. what else is there. I hope they don't have to go through that so soon. But all these experience are the ones that grow them, makes them who they are, nurture them to become a better and stronger person. Isn't it?

I see their growth in every failure, let alone success. I see their growth in every struggle. Alhamdulillah, Allah's plans are the BEST as I see the goodness in every occasion. Yes it was painful for a while, but difficult path always lead to beautiful place. You just have to endure it, preserve, and march ahead. 

I say the same prayer every time and I will say it over and over again. I pray that Allah will take care of my children, lead them to the right path, not to stray away for Allah's path. I pray for their success duniyya and akhirah. I pray that they will stay steadfast in their lives, no matter how life turns out for them, no matter how bad or how good. There's hikmah in everything that happens in our lives. Tawakkal 'alallah. 

Letting go

This sounds heavy.

As heavy as it feels in my heart.

The art of letting go is many. The meaning of letting varies. I came across some remarkable quotes on Letting Go.. it's mostly kind of heart breaking. But to me, letting go is just part of life. You have to let go of things, people, friendship, relationship. There is nothing that is permanent in this world, at some point of life, you are letting go of your life on earth.. you leave this world. People will have to let you go, you have to let go of people in your life. Nothing is permanent. Only the afterlife is permanent, infinite.

But how do you let go of people in this life? Letting go of people also can mean many things. You let them go so that they can grow, you let them go because you can no longer tolerate them for whatever reason, you let them go because you lost contact with them, or you let them go because you outgrow them.. yes, this can happen too. 

I realized something these past few weeks, sadly, that I have to let go the control or the grasp that I have over my children. As much as I want them to be under my control I know that someday I have to let them go. They are at the age of discovering themselves. I cannot be holding their hands in that process (though I want to) because most of the time what they want is not what I want for them. They have their own lives to live... their own journey, their own path. Allah has charted their path. All I have to do is pray for them while letting go of their hands. This is kind of heartbreaking but I have to be strong. I will be there, always be there whenever they need me. I can guide them but they will choose their own path. I pray hard that they choose wisely, and not stray away from the right path, the path of Allah. 

I have to remind myself that they have a long way to go ahead of them, and I won't be here forever to guide them. Hence, I will continue to guide them as much as I can whenever needed as long I'm still around. And I hope I will not feel hurt and feel left behind when they are already way ahead in their path. But I do hope that they will look back and reach for my hands once a while, I do hope that they remember that I'm always here watching their back and ready welcome them with open arms, and I sure do hope that they don't forget me and leave me behind altogether. 

It is time for me to move on with my own life. Do whatever that I can with my free hands, something that can move me forward, something worth of my free time, something to prepare me for the infinite afterlife. 

• “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” - Eckhart Tolle
• "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse
• "In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." - Deepak Chopra
• "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

The cycle that be

For every post that I write, have written.. it comes from my heart. It comes from what I am feeling at the moment. It's not something that I plan. It is sometimes something that burdens me, enlightens me, worries me or frustrates me. Sometimes I feel so much to pour my heart out but my laptop is not with me.. sometimes I feel so much to write but too lazy to get up and write. And on the days like this, I just grab my laptop and pour myself out. I just need to scribble something. Sometimes I have so much to write without a title but sometimes, like today, I have my title first and here am I babbling away without much to tell.

I just want to make a mark that I am still alive and kicking. I just want to tell the world (though nobody actually notice anyway) that yes... no matter how bad the world is treating me or how bad I'm treating myself or people treat me, I am still alive and kicking. Actually I'm doing fine, really. This is an affirmation. I'm doing better than anybody else. I can do better too. It's just how I treat the world around me and be it. 

Ahhh so much rambling. I live the moment. I put my life in Allah's hand, and I shall live my life for Him. Just Him alone. Then I will be fine. I don't have to answer to anyone but Him. Life is short, the afterlife is indefinite. 

The cycle of life is almost coming the end .. each day is nearing to the end. I shall make the best of it as we don't know for sure when it will end. For whenever it is, I am so grateful that I have come this far. I wish to stay on for a little longer, to witness the success of my children, their marriage, their offspring if any, their joy and sorrow.. I want to be there during their matured life.. i hope Allah will grant me these moments. I hope He will grant me the health and wealth to hold on for a little bit more. 

So much so... live the moment. Pray the rest. 

 

Embracing the moment

 Time is an essence. 'By the passage of time. Indeed, mankind is in loss...'

Indeed, I am one who is always in loss for time. Look at it, it is now April coming to May of 2025. My last post was at the end of December 2024 and I thought it was only a few weeks ago.

Gone was 4 precious months, gone was Ramadhan, and Syawal is soon ending too. What have I achieved? Have I achieved anything at all? 

People come and go. I fear my time has come too. I fear I may not be able to do so many things. I pray that I will have enough to cover me for the afterlife. The infinite afterlife, the one I hope so much will make me happy, the one I dream of having my dream house and enjoy beautiful life God has promised. In shaa Allah. 

And why am I babbling on this? Just. I am just appalled at how time has flown. I am just frustrated with myself for allowing time to pass by without doing anything. But then again, I may have overlooked it. I managed to run my 2025 project, though starting a bit late, in February. I managed to uphold my supposedly demoted rank, by closing some good deals. I managed to complete a few paid projects during Ramadhan. Not bad at all. But why am I thinking it's still not enough? Perhaps I can do better actually? Yeah that's what I always thought. I am never good enough even to myself. 

Whatever it is, I am still thankful for all the good things that has happened up to now. Thankful that we are safe in many ways. I am thankful we have enough for all our necessities though sometimes I felt like we are truly struggling. I am still thankful that my health is still good though my strength has deteriorated. I am still able to walk, go up the stairs and manage myself well. Alhamdulillah.

For whatever that comes in this rushing period, I shall embrace. I shall embrace the moment, seize the opportunities, and will not regret any losses, as it is ALL God's plan that has been written for me.

Good bye 2024

 We made it until the end of 2024.. a few more hours left that is. But yeah Alhamdulillah. 2024 has been a quiet year I would say. too quiet, too lazy and unproductive. But still I have achieved some significant personal milestone that I am proud of. I managed to shed some kilos.. this is VERY important as it helps with my mobility. I also have climbed the 'rank' in my Quran recitation and managed to memorize a few short surahs that I've been putting off for so long! Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. This I would say is my biggest achievement. And I planned to do more in the next year. It will be my number one priority.

So for the new year, let's not call it a new year resolution. I would call it things to do, or something to achieve and progress. I have to do more. I seriously need to relook the 'business side' of my life. Something that is already in place but not properly managed. If I manage it well I'm sure I can travel somewhere at least by next year. In shaa Allah.

I am also in gear to a new venture which will start end of January. This should keep a steady income ..again if managed well. I pray for the success of this project. 

I pray for a healthier body, a sound mind and a calm and peaceful year ahead. I pray I will be called to the House of Allah. I pray Allah will keep me in His list and make me afford the trip. Aminnn. 

Bi iznillah. Ya Allah, I have only You to lean on. Please grant my prayers.

Happy 2025 everyone. I hope you will achieve your dreams and hopes.. In shaa Allah.

Life is a gift. Live the moment.

 'Life is a gift. Time is all we have. Live in the present, as best as you can, each and everyday.' This is what Zac Efron says in the Netflix documentary 'Down To Earth'. I watched this documentary in awe. It talks so much about life, mostly focusing on how people is the different continent in the world have a longer life compared to others. Amazingly there's this area in the world called the Blue Zones, where people live longer as they live a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. There's this book called The Blue Zones by Dan Buettner. The author travelled the world to the Blue Zones and study the lifestyles of the people of the Blue Zones, how they manage to live above 100 years old. It's a very interesting documentary, unfortunately it did not attract much audience hence was cancelled altogether. But I managed to finish to whole series before it was taken off from Netflix. Apparently people prefer fictions rather than watching documentaries. Even a documentary on how to live longer does not attract people! Obviously we all like a dreamy world better, world that is full of fictions, even it means a shorter life! Really!

But why am I blabbering about this now? 

We had an episode of a health scare last week. My husband thought he was having a stroke! Now that was scary really. But what made it worse is a misdiagnosed by a GP. THAT actually was the scary part, not so much of the pain or discomfort that he was having. Then again it is always better be safe than sorry. After what seemed to be forever waiting in the ER, after a few tests, Alhamdulillah it came out clear that it was not a stroke. Alhamdulillah. I swear, he looked VERY fine except when the GP told him "most of the left blood vessels are blocked, blood is not going much to your brain".. now who wouldn't be scared of such statement. And this come from his most trusted GP. When the specialist (at a hospital, not at the clinic) came to look at him and came out with the MRA results, he said 'don't trust a GP so much when he didn't have the right equipment or expertise to examine you'.. ohhh wellll! 

And so why is he having the symptoms though? Stress. He's been so stressed with many things that week. Including being mad at me .. oh what's new with this eh. But yeah. Stress can lead you to many things including this, and waste of time and energy as well. 

I always view my life as being the difficult one. But come to think of it, it is all about how I view life. If you view your as such, it becomes that. Stress should not be in your system if you view life differently. I am calmer now. Thanks to all the religious classes that I attended. I am more at ease with myself and my surroundings. When you understand how this world works, how your relationship works, how you should view your life, how you should accept your life.. you will feel calmer, at ease, peaceful. The world is temporary anyway, it should not be stressful. Embrace the moment. All has been destined and charted for you. For every little thing that happens, every moment, every second.. it's been written. And you live only for your creator, not for another human being. Not for your spouse, not for your kids. Having these in mind, I found peace. I hope I can live as long as the people in the Blue Zone. Though I still do need to work a little bit more in the healthy lifestyle department.. haha. Yes, you do need to live healthily as well. Then again when you lead a healthy lifestyle, your mind will automatically be more positive hence stress should not be in the system.

Indeed life is a gift. It is a gift you should treasure and take care of. And yes, I am going to live the moment, no regrets, no stress. Bi iznillah.