The stories that nurture you

 Listening to my children's stories, rants, complaints or even rage is always my priority. And then it become the story of my life or the story that makes up my experience in life. If I look back in my storage of stories, it is brimming with wonderful, colorful, sad, happy, frustrating stories.. it will make such beautiful book. I don't remember all the stories because as time goes by these stories got hidden away, being pushed down below to accommodate new stories. But some stories remain visible and being remembered forever. Even sad horrible stories, you remember, because it leaves a scar in your heart. And these stories can become good reminders for your life. It becomes the source of good advice that you can give to your children in case they go through the same experience. 

My children are now collecting their own life stories. I don't have much to offer them in terms of materials but I have a lot of stories, advice, and experience to share with them when they need. And i hope these then make up their own life, if i were to go early, before they are ready and when they still need me (just like me when I lost my parents at tender age), I hope these stories and advice will remain with them when they need me the most. I hope my words will soothe them, will dry their tears and will make them strong and smart to face whatever they face in their lives. I truly hope so!

This year I heard most heartbreaking stories from my children. Exam failures, job failures, relationship failures. Every child has his/her own struggles and hurdles that he/she has to face and go through. It breaks my heart every time this happens. I wish I can go through it for them, but hey... I HAVE gone through it before. I have gone through all of it. I have even gone through loss of my parents at their age. So yeah.. what else is there. I hope they don't have to go through that so soon. But all these experience are the ones that grow them, makes them who they are, nurture them to become a better and stronger person. Isn't it?

I see their growth in every failure, let alone success. I see their growth in every struggle. Alhamdulillah, Allah's plans are the BEST as I see the goodness in every occasion. Yes it was painful for a while, but difficult path always lead to beautiful place. You just have to endure it, preserve, and march ahead. 

I say the same prayer every time and I will say it over and over again. I pray that Allah will take care of my children, lead them to the right path, not to stray away for Allah's path. I pray for their success duniyya and akhirah. I pray that they will stay steadfast in their lives, no matter how life turns out for them, no matter how bad or how good. There's hikmah in everything that happens in our lives. Tawakkal 'alallah. 

Letting go

This sounds heavy.

As heavy as it feels in my heart.

The art of letting go is many. The meaning of letting varies. I came across some remarkable quotes on Letting Go.. it's mostly kind of heart breaking. But to me, letting go is just part of life. You have to let go of things, people, friendship, relationship. There is nothing that is permanent in this world, at some point of life, you are letting go of your life on earth.. you leave this world. People will have to let you go, you have to let go of people in your life. Nothing is permanent. Only the afterlife is permanent, infinite.

But how do you let go of people in this life? Letting go of people also can mean many things. You let them go so that they can grow, you let them go because you can no longer tolerate them for whatever reason, you let them go because you lost contact with them, or you let them go because you outgrow them.. yes, this can happen too. 

I realized something these past few weeks, sadly, that I have to let go the control or the grasp that I have over my children. As much as I want them to be under my control I know that someday I have to let them go. They are at the age of discovering themselves. I cannot be holding their hands in that process (though I want to) because most of the time what they want is not what I want for them. They have their own lives to live... their own journey, their own path. Allah has charted their path. All I have to do is pray for them while letting go of their hands. This is kind of heartbreaking but I have to be strong. I will be there, always be there whenever they need me. I can guide them but they will choose their own path. I pray hard that they choose wisely, and not stray away from the right path, the path of Allah. 

I have to remind myself that they have a long way to go ahead of them, and I won't be here forever to guide them. Hence, I will continue to guide them as much as I can whenever needed as long I'm still around. And I hope I will not feel hurt and feel left behind when they are already way ahead in their path. But I do hope that they will look back and reach for my hands once a while, I do hope that they remember that I'm always here watching their back and ready welcome them with open arms, and I sure do hope that they don't forget me and leave me behind altogether. 

It is time for me to move on with my own life. Do whatever that I can with my free hands, something that can move me forward, something worth of my free time, something to prepare me for the infinite afterlife. 

• “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” - Eckhart Tolle
• "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse
• "In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." - Deepak Chopra
• "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

The cycle that be

For every post that I write, have written.. it comes from my heart. It comes from what I am feeling at the moment. It's not something that I plan. It is sometimes something that burdens me, enlightens me, worries me or frustrates me. Sometimes I feel so much to pour my heart out but my laptop is not with me.. sometimes I feel so much to write but too lazy to get up and write. And on the days like this, I just grab my laptop and pour myself out. I just need to scribble something. Sometimes I have so much to write without a title but sometimes, like today, I have my title first and here am I babbling away without much to tell.

I just want to make a mark that I am still alive and kicking. I just want to tell the world (though nobody actually notice anyway) that yes... no matter how bad the world is treating me or how bad I'm treating myself or people treat me, I am still alive and kicking. Actually I'm doing fine, really. This is an affirmation. I'm doing better than anybody else. I can do better too. It's just how I treat the world around me and be it. 

Ahhh so much rambling. I live the moment. I put my life in Allah's hand, and I shall live my life for Him. Just Him alone. Then I will be fine. I don't have to answer to anyone but Him. Life is short, the afterlife is indefinite. 

The cycle of life is almost coming the end .. each day is nearing to the end. I shall make the best of it as we don't know for sure when it will end. For whenever it is, I am so grateful that I have come this far. I wish to stay on for a little longer, to witness the success of my children, their marriage, their offspring if any, their joy and sorrow.. I want to be there during their matured life.. i hope Allah will grant me these moments. I hope He will grant me the health and wealth to hold on for a little bit more. 

So much so... live the moment. Pray the rest. 

 

Embracing the moment

 Time is an essence. 'By the passage of time. Indeed, mankind is in loss...'

Indeed, I am one who is always in loss for time. Look at it, it is now April coming to May of 2025. My last post was at the end of December 2024 and I thought it was only a few weeks ago.

Gone was 4 precious months, gone was Ramadhan, and Syawal is soon ending too. What have I achieved? Have I achieved anything at all? 

People come and go. I fear my time has come too. I fear I may not be able to do so many things. I pray that I will have enough to cover me for the afterlife. The infinite afterlife, the one I hope so much will make me happy, the one I dream of having my dream house and enjoy beautiful life God has promised. In shaa Allah. 

And why am I babbling on this? Just. I am just appalled at how time has flown. I am just frustrated with myself for allowing time to pass by without doing anything. But then again, I may have overlooked it. I managed to run my 2025 project, though starting a bit late, in February. I managed to uphold my supposedly demoted rank, by closing some good deals. I managed to complete a few paid projects during Ramadhan. Not bad at all. But why am I thinking it's still not enough? Perhaps I can do better actually? Yeah that's what I always thought. I am never good enough even to myself. 

Whatever it is, I am still thankful for all the good things that has happened up to now. Thankful that we are safe in many ways. I am thankful we have enough for all our necessities though sometimes I felt like we are truly struggling. I am still thankful that my health is still good though my strength has deteriorated. I am still able to walk, go up the stairs and manage myself well. Alhamdulillah.

For whatever that comes in this rushing period, I shall embrace. I shall embrace the moment, seize the opportunities, and will not regret any losses, as it is ALL God's plan that has been written for me.