Entry for the numbers!

 I have to beat my own number of entries for the year. I had 6 last year and this is the sixth for this year. Not sure if I can have another post this year. Not that I don't want but if i remember to write one! Tsk..

The year has come to an end without me realizing it. I am not sure if I live too much for the moment that I forgot to plan for the future? Or I'm too busy looking forward to the future that the future came too soon. For whatever that is, time seemed to skip many moments.. moments passed by too fast. It is too fast that I might have missed it.. too fast that I'm afraid that I may not be able to do things that is left to do in this life.. too fast that I'm scared I go before I am ready, before I can repent and get ready for it. I'm watching the time passing by before me. I have to be faster than time but at this age with a dragging feet, I cannot go faster. I give in too soon because I'm too weak to chase the time. I should have done it before it catches up on me. But yeah.. it is all not my PLAN, as ALLAH IS THE BEST PLANNER. If he does not will it, it will not happen. 

I will not write further as I think I will save it for the next entry. We'll see.

Wishes for life

 September marks another year in life for me, and for my marriage. Most of the time I myself wonder, how did I make it this far? But every time I praise my Lord for this blessings in my, regardless the condition. If it is bad, I take it as a test, if it is good it is also a test and a blessing. What more could you ask as a mere human, a slave to the Almighty. Nothing is yours in this world anyway. This is very much coming from a very calm mind, clear head. I would have written otherwise if I am not in this state of mind. Tsk!

Sometimes I really look forward to life and what it may bring me for the next phase. But sometimes I dread it and wish life could be better. But a session with a friend recently brought another view to life... not that I've not heard it before but maybe it was received at the time my head and heart was not heavy, hence whatever she said was easily absorbed and received well. We'll see how long will this last.

I only want a peaceful life, simple, just enough. I don't need a luxurious extravagance life. My morning would be perfect if I were to wake up surrounded by nature, perhaps with the sounds of waves or flowing stream, birds singing, fresh clean air and most importantly beautiful sunrise above the sea or over the mountains. That would be my perfect morning. And it would be end with a picturesque sunset, perhaps over dinner or a just sitting idle somewhere quiet and tranquil. Ahhh such a bliss.. just by imagining it. Perhaps, someday. 

Life is what you make of it. I have way too many regrets in life that I wish I could turn back the time. But who am I to question this. For every second, every move of my body, and this whole life is determined by the Almighty. I could not even possibly write this without being inspired and moved by HIM and HIM alone. Hence I should be redho whatever has been destined to me and make do with whatever that is in store for me. 

I will not give up on life. I will make the best for whatever remains. I should not waste any time, to make the most of my remaining life. I have yet to perform my Haj, my top priority.. And I have yet to go those mountains and all those beautiful sunrise and sunset spots, I have yet to watch the aurora! I have to see a little bit more of the world before I close my eyes. May Allah grant me the time, the health, the wealth and the kudrat to achieve all these.

The Essence of Time

 Ahhh June went by without me noticing it. It must have been a busy one too! Where did the time go? What did I do? WHERE was I?? Just like that life passed you by. Just like that I passed my 50 years of living. Alhamdulillah.. some people neve made it to 50! Hence I'm thankful and grateful to the Almighty. 

I have yet to make that dreadful decision. And yes, I am still hanging on to that life that I desperately want to get out from. Yeah... perhaps some day. I need to take one step and perhaps it just goes on and I can say.. "and the rest is history".. Perhaps someday! I'm still deciding.. not sure how or when it will happen. But for sure I will write it here. It will mark another milestone of my life if it really happens. 

I just want to have an easy, simple and peaceful life. Is that even too much to ask?

Memorable May

 Despite the 'agonizing' April. I have quite memorable busy busy May. It started with a colorful nice short Eid, then followed by a short family trip to Langkawi. It was a nice one with a very much controlled emotions (the same emotions brought forward from April.. ahaks). We haven't had a family trip for more than a year .. what more a trip by air. So despite the hesitant of one person, it went almost without a hitch. Almost!

Then came a surprised sponsored trip arranged by a very generous couple for us.. to accompany them on a honeymoon trip at the world famous island, Maldives. Never in my wildest dream I dream to go to this island, but Allah worked his miracle and enable me to go there. Alhamdulillah. I cannot be more thankful and grateful for the opportunity. The island was a wonder of beauty. It was again, Allah's most beautiful creation. It made me so small and humbled by it's beauty.

And the most interesting thing that came after Maldives is another trip, yeap like it never ends. This trip has been planned for years and it finally made real. A trip with my beloved trusted friends, again in Langkawi. We had so much fun. We had all the talks, the walks, and the giggle and laughter as much as we could, just as we always planned. We are already planning for another trip, a retreat as we call it, by the end of our time together. God knows when it will happen, but a plan is already in place, In shaa Allah. Nothing is more refreshing than bonding with your friends who were with you during your trying times, your growing up time and your joy and sorrow while trying to find your way through life. I love this trip the most as I got to be me.. the 20 something me while appearing 50s! 

And the closing of May is a graduation ceremony of Eussuv's diploma. He flew all the way from Istanbul for this and missing a few classes along the way this week. All for the memory! I hope it's a good one. I am always one for the memory, not for material things. Material can fade, memories stick in your head, be it good or bad. Congratulations Eussuv, one is in your hands and another one is underway. May Allah ease your journey. 

Just as I love my May, I hope June will be as good. There will be engagement and birthday celebrations in June. I hope it will be a joyful June! Fighting!

Ramadhan is here again

Alhamdulillah I am still here this Ramadhan. Never assume that you are going to be here again next Ramadhan. Life can end at any minute any second without us knowing. Hence do make the best Ramadhan every single time. Make du'a (say prayers), lots and lots of du'a every time. It may not be granted the way you want it to be, but just do it.

I have one du'a that I've been making for my entire marriage life and it is still not granted, not even a bit, in fact the situation seemed to be be worsened this year. I do not know what Allah is trying to tell me. I'm at loss, in despair!

Whatever it is, for the remaining two weeks of Ramadhan, I will try as hard to pray as much, do good deeds, remain calm (this is not gonna be easy, but this too will pass!) and take whatever that comes my way.

(I'm writing this in frustration! Frustrated over the situation that I cannot control, say out loud, or tell anyone!)

May Allah ease my remaining Ramadhan, may He grants my prayers (especially that very ONE du'a), may He accepts all my ibadah, my repents, and my good deeds. May He makes me strong enough to go through this test in Ramadhan (over and over again). Please don't take me away, not just yet. Just take away from this whole sickening, frustrating situation. IF ONLY.....

God have mercy on me!

HAPPY 2023!

 It's already almost a month into the new year! And here I am contemplating on what to write just to break the egg. 

It will always be the same start of new year thinking if I could do better this year... yeah... you must fare better in the new year.. yada yada yada...

We'll get to it.. My hope for this year is that I stay healthy, no, healthier in some ways.. so that I can do so much more physically. 

My greatest wish for 2023 is that I could perform my haj. Yes.. I pray hard and take some efforts towards. So I hope 5 months from now I will be writing about my Haj. In shaa Allah! May He opens His door for me and accept me into the Holy Land.