Crossroads, desperation

I am at a crossroads! Between doing something I like best and something that generates income if I work just a little bit harder. My passion is writing, reading, translating.. Somehow due to lack of further knowledge, lack of marketing, tight finance, I cannot move much further. Is it really? Or is it just my excuse? I refuse to acknowledge it as an excuse. True, I didn't try hard enough. I didn't really work on expanding my passion. I am too busy dealing with what life is giving me.. When I should be the one giving life a meaning? By just writing this down, I know I really am at the crossroads. I am desperate for life to change for the better but not desperate enough to change what I do in life to make it better. It is so cliche. It is the same bad, very bad cliche sang by many! The very cliche most hated by all the motivational speakers who try to motivate you to change your life. Ohhh yeahhh... I've attended wayyyy too many of those and still nowhere on the road to success.

Oh and there's the other choice that can generate income if I work just a little bit harder. The one that paid my bills for the past few years. So why am I at a crossroads when this one pays the bills? Because... I am somehow lost in it.. I really have to kick my ass hard to make it move all this while. Not that I hate it that much but somehow I am losing it day by day. I move too slowly even how hard I've been kicked in the ass to get moving. See what I mean? It still pays the bill but my bills seemed to be bigger and the pay has somehow gotten less since I don't move much.

I am writing this to express my frustration with myself for not being able to solve this. For being too complacent living in hardship though knowing that I need to get out of it. I desperately need to get out. I am sick and tired of not doing anything to make this life better. I am sick and tired of being the righteous one.I am sick and tired of being in the same position of where I was 6 years ago. I survived, yes I survived thank God! I always do. God is always there listening to me and granting my prayers. Never before that I am left with no food on the table or no shelter over my head. Never, ever. Alhamdulillah, for he is the Most Merciful, the Most Loving.

But He also wouldn't want me to just ask and ask and ask without any effort. It is the effort that is required for me to get out this misery. No I will not say now that..Yes I am gonna it now, or the first thing tomorrow morning. No. I will do it when my urge is so bad that whatever I do, whenever I do it, I scored right away. My urge must be so so bad right now that I am able to write this without even thinking. I am so desperate that I thought I could burst.. I am so desperate that I feel like picking up the phone and beg people to give me jobs now at this hour! I am so desperate that I feel like banging my head on the wall... or drive as fast as I could to nowhere.

And I don't even care who reads this. I might as well exposed my real life situation rather that sickly pretending that everything is ok. IT IS NOT OK! Who am I trying to kid..

Oh dear God, please have Mercy!

Life as it is

I refuse to let any year goes by without an entry in this quiet blog. I write a lot in my head. But not here. In my dreams, I write. In my dreams, I am indeed a renowned writer. I write books, articles.. published and well liked. I should really pursue my dreams. Perhaps some day.

I saw a draft for an entry that I dare not publish here as it was rather personal. It was also written in August 2017. Something to do about how I was feeling then. Ironically, it is the same exact feeling that I have now. Impossible! But it is the sad truth. I shall keep that as a draft. And publish this post, as a reminder for me to look at it again next year. I truly hope, desperately hope that next year, at this time of the year, I will have something better to say, feeling better, happier and more hopeful. 

As I thought life advanced for the better, I am always wrong. Then again, He is the best planner. There is not a single moment in this life that is not planned by Him. He is the Most powerful and the Most merciful. As such I shall accept whatever that is planned for me. No matter how hard I tried to make things better, if it may not be the best for me, it may not work.

Then again, I should be grateful for life as it is. Indeed I am. I am still breathing, healthy, capable, running around, have a roof over my head, food on the table, drive comfortably, sleep comfortably. I have healthy and smart children as well.What else  should I be complaining about when my life seemed to be wayyyy better than those living on the streets or under the bridge. And definitely much better than those who had to share a small shack with like 32 people!! There are so many things to be grateful about. So stop complaining about the very same thing haunting you all your life, whatever it may be. Obviously I am trying to calm myself down, to get rid of all the bad feelings that I have now. Trying to look at life in a different perspective so that life doesn't seem to be bad at all..Indeed!

Now let's think.. what sort of book should I start writing?