What would it be?

 If I were to choose a different path of life 20 over years ago I wonder how my life would be today. Is it better? Worse? Who knows? Only HE knows what's best for me on earth. Only HE knows what would have happened to me if I were to go to another route. And in fact, HE's the one who had steered me into this path anyway. so WHY.. and WHY am I still asking this as though regretting it. Asking WHY alone has clearly wrong of me. Yes I know. But I am mere human. My eeman sometimes runs low just as of now. I know all the things there are about qada' and qadar.. I know all things, happenings, good news bad news, disasters... even a fallen leave.. ALL of it are governed by HIM. And here I am, still asking .. Please forgive me my LORD.

I am again at one of my low moment. For the zillionth time of my life. Hence the reason I'm penning this down. How I wish for this to end for once. Perhaps it will only end with the end of my life. How I wish He grants my doa, the same doa I've been making since 20 over years ago. And yet, perhaps I will not get it here, perhaps I will have to endure this for as long as I live. I accept it my Lord, but please grant me some peace within myself, to surrender completely to you and leave everything your hands and trust you completely that things will be OK. I do not know the future, what it holds for me but I trust you. All my tears and sufferings, hopefully will elevate me in the higher jannah. 

But for now, please ease my affairs. Please make things bearable for me, for my children. Please lead them to the path that is different from mine. Please not let them go through what I had to go through. Please give them a more beautiful, and happier life. I beg you ya Allah. Only you can make it happen. It is beyond me and I can only guide them at a certain junction that is reachable to me but not beyond.

Please forgive me my Lord. Please accept my taubah for feeling this way. Please forgive all my sins. 

If the angel of death were to appear before me now, though I am far from ready, I would gladly follow as I am sad and scared of this life on earth. The life that I wish would have been different. Then again, who am I... I am merely a slave..