What I really want NOW

 Can't believe it's March of 2022 and tomorrow is April 2022. What have I achieved in these three months? Almost nothing! But at this age I no longer count any achievement. All I want is some quiet peaceful life with people who really appreciate me for who I am, not what I am. And having said that I did manage to have some wonderful moments with people whom I want to hang out with. So I'm doing OK I guess.

I no longer seek material fulfilment in life these days. It's too late to ask me what's my dream in life at this age, cos I believe I have a very short remaining years of life. But my dream from the age I was in my 20s remains unfulfilled. Yes I do believe I still can do it, I pray that someday, in this life, I still can do it. It's just that at this point of life I need to tweak it a little but to make it doable. I just want to see the world. Simple. Previously my dream statement was "I want to travel the world solo" .. at my current condition I need to drag someone along .. just not to make it too obvious an old lady travelling alone and god knows if she can suddenly drop dead!

So this is my dream statement.. I want to go to a place far away from here, to the other side of the continent, to see the beauty of god's creation, to see the wonders of nature.. ON MY OWN.. or with somebody who can appreciate nature as much as I do, who doesn't mind a travel with no specific itinerary, a travel where you can make any mistakes, a travel where you can miss the bus or train, a travel with no one breathing down your neck.. a travel that is full of enjoying the scenery, sunsets, sunrises.. a travel where a shopping mall must be avoided! I want to sleep under under the moon, sleep with the sound of the waves or a howling fox (??) or perhaps the sounds of whatever animal there may be. Definitely not the sound of bustling city. I want to feel the sea breeze or the mountain breeze.. or perhaps drive through a scenic autumn falling leaves.. I want to sit around a campfire with a bunch of giggling girls by the sea, minding only our own business. I want to go exploring an island by foot or a bike... I want to stay in a log cabin in winter and curl up in front of a fireplace with a good book and a good (an understatement, romantic one perhaps?) companion.. and just do nothing. OHHHHHH SUCH LIFE... can it really happen??

OH Dear God.. listen to my prayers.. I believe in your miracle and I believe you will grant my prayers if this is good for me.....

Ohh this and that of 2021

 Too many things has happened within a short span of three months since July. Way too many that I felt like an hour flew by in a minute. And because of that, I put off writing it here.. even though too many times I would replay it in my mind and let the words flow as though I'm writing. There are days I wanted so much to write but I was just not physically up to it. Regardless, I am still thankful for so many things. I am thankful I am healthy, though with some hiccup of body wear and tear, I am still able to eat well, sleep well, spend well, and life is as normal as it can be but it comes with some chaotic situations. 

MCO has really taken a toll on me at some point, when I basically dread the day, the day of the same routine everyday with restricted movement to anywhere, with fear of the virus lurking around the corner ever so ready to land on anyone who are not careful enough. It is one scary thought, I am physically and mentally tired just by thinking about. Looking at the numbers everyday scared me. The quarantine centers swarmed with people, the ICU was spilled over with the very sick ones, too overloaded that they had to choose who they would choose to live. That bad. It was a war zone everywhere. The invisible war that the only weapon we had is that to get ourselves protected on our own. Thankfully up to now, none of us, or those near us has been infected. I can't thank Allah enough for protecting us. And thankfully so, we have been safely vaccinated, all of us except one who is underaged, but getting there. Alhamdulillah. I pray hard we are always protected and make sure we are always on our guard. Though some people though you can never be careful enough because you never know where it slipped through. But I believe, it's all in God's hands.

Alhamdulillah, things are getting better. Though cautious measures are being implemented and imposed, people just can't wait to get their normal lives back. But it will never normal again. The new normal has replaced the normal of our lives. The world we live in is no longer the world we used to know. The advanced plan people had in their lives may have changed to another advanced plan to include the new normal. The whole wide world has been changed and turned to something else one way or the other.

Just as THIS is not enough, somehow my household has changed too. Somehow, suddenly there are way too many cats allowed in the house to my liking. I protested in the beginning but I lost the battle. Who am I to fight this alone! And THIS has nothing to do with the new normal out there... but it has become a new normal in this household. I fought a lot even with tears on this... to no avail. Oh well perhaps someday! I am too old to fight these days. I just pray that someday, perhaps in heaven, I shall get what I really want..... providing that I go to heaven

Another new normal, one person has been replaced by another. God has worked His wonders again and again. Eussuv has flown to Istanbul for his studies. Another miracle Allah has granted us. And two days before his departure, my SIL's husband passed away leaving her all alone in this world as they have no children. And that, being the only 'able' son in the family, my dear hubs has to take her in with us.. at least until she is over her bereavement period. I am ok will all that since I lost Eussuv to Turkey, we have an empty room for her fill. It must be lonely, I feel her. 

There are just too many changes I just couldn't pen it down. In no particular order, things just happened. And I am in no power to stop it no let something I need happens just because I want/ need it. I leave it all to God.

It is still here!

 It has been six months into the year and the virus is still raging. It looks like there's no end to it. We all pray so hard that it'll go away soon. Nope. It hasn't. It killed too many innocent lives already and still is. It is us who have to fight back. It needs our strength. Oh Allah.. please give us the strength.

We are in the third movement control order (MCO 3.) and the cases are the worst ever. We pray that it will not get any worse by curbing it with the MCO. But some people wont just listen! They simply ignore the rules thinking that it will not happen to them! How selfish!

I pray that my next entry will be of something cheerful.. I hope there'll be no more talk of the virus. It's like a zombie world out there.. full of zombies trying to infect people. The world really has come to the end perhaps..

Oh come 2021!

 Happy 2021 to me and me and me...

It was a whirlwind of a new year. I refuse to say it was a wrong start altogether but it was an experience to remember. We had a sunny last day of the year, and it was supposed to be a nice way of welcoming the new year. Except that nature did not so called agree with us. Of all time of the year, due to some "technical issues" as always, we decided to go to an island. Something that I had wanted to do at a different time of the year, with different group of people. But what the heck, just go with the flow though I had warned (to deaf ears!) them of the usual wet year end weather, particularly the monsoon. 

So off we went, happily as the sun looked bright and blue enough. The boat ride, it was horrifying.. the small private boat of 20 people practically 'flew off' the water once in a while.. it was not a smooth ride at all. At one point I thot we were  all gonna be thrown off the boat. Towards the end of the half hour rise, I noticed Eussuv, who was sitting across me, was sweating profusely and his eyelids dropping. We somehow reached the jetty. As everyone got off the boat, Eussuv slumped in his bench, drenched in sweat. I thought he has passed out. I asked him to get up, he was awake but he said he couldn't move his legs. He couldn't move his body too, he couldn't get up. Somehow I did not panic. I did not think of anything at all. I was so calm. I thought it was just seasick. At this point, the boatman had to carry him up to the jetty. He really couldn't move. He said he couldn't feel anything neck down. They put him down on the platform of the jetty and I splashed water on his face, massaged his face and neck, and give him water to drink. One of the boatmen massaged his feet. He looked better. After 10 mins or so, he managed to get back on his feet and they carried him on a motorbike carrier. Alhamdulillah. One hurdle passed without any major calamity just some panicky moment. I really didn't know what it was but I was so glad he was OK. 

We checked in and was pleasantly surprised to see that we had an upgraded chalet. Alhamdulillah. Again. The island was indeed beautiful. A splendid nature Allah has created for us, and granted us the access. It was so so beautiful.. we stayed at the beach until sunset. The kids enjoyed it the most. Alhamdulillah. 

Little that we know what was in store for us. Rain started after dinner. And it rained the whole night! I knew something was not right. It was kind of scary when you know the type of rain, the sound and the smell of it. Having lived in the area where it flooded almost every year, I recognised this type of rain, not the kind that won't go away soon. It will be for at least 3 days. And we were supposed to be in the island only for the next 2 days. 

As the island is one of the biggest item in my bucket list, I refuse to let the rain dampen my mood. I have set in my mind that regardless the rain, I'm going to enjoy my time there. Indeed I did. When it rained, we stayed indoor. When the rain stopped, we went out to explore the island. It was great. The sea was raging, the wind was strong, the rain came on and off. The sun peeked shyly once in a while. We savoured every moment. Even the naps was heavenly as the temperature was of a temperature of a highland, not at all of an island. It was heavenly. What could be more heavenly than to be in a tropical island but with a highland temperature, it just didn't make sense, but it really did. I love the fierce sea, I love the strong winds, I love the rain. I had no complaint! We even went up to the jetty under the rain and the strong wind to experience the sensation. It was scary, but amazing. 

When our two nights was up, in the morning I looked at the sea and instantly I knew, there was no way we were getting out of the island. The sea was too rough, the tide was high, the rain has yet to stop, the wind was strong. And true enough, the resort owner came to us herself to inform us that no boat could come in at this moment. We might have to stay another night or more, depending on the weather. Alhamdulillah. Allah granted me a stay in an island, and even better, he prolonged my stay! It was a gift to remember. There's not much we can do under the weather condition, but hey, I will not pass this great opportunity. I see it as an opportunity. I refuse to think of what's next, I just wanted to enjoy the moment. 

As much as I didn't mind staying longer, there were matters that worries me like the limited medical supplies that we brought and our poor kitties at home. But the more pressing matter was the journey home, where we understood there was flood everywhere which may hinder us from getting home even if we managed to get off the island.

Alhamdulillah they managed to get a green light from the relevant authority to get us, and the rest of the resort patrons (about 60 of us in total, yeah we were not the only ones crazy enough to go to an island during monsoon season!) out from the island. Alhamdulillah. Though it was still raining, the sea was a lot calmer than the days before. But the weather, seen from the boat, looked like a Jurassic Park scene. Misty, gloomy and scary. Only God knows our feelings were when boarding the boat. But since there were assurance from the authority and the local sea people, we were less worried.

We safely 'landed' on the mainland after somewhat a smooth ride. Much much better than the ride to the island. It was actually very pleasant. I really felt like I was in some kind of a mystery boat ride, like a twilight zone! What an experience it was. It was great, magical! But most, most importantly, we were so so grateful we made it to the mainland. It was drizzling the whole time. All our luggage were wet, and we were wet. Alhamdulillah everything was intact though. 

This was the experience of a lifetime. Do I want to go again? You bet. Am already planning another trip to an island during hot season, like middle of the year. I can never get enough of it. Though it happened late in my life, it will not stop me since I have started. I shall add more to my bucket list. The pandemic will be the only hindrance for another trip, but hey, it will be over someday. And if God wills, if I am still breathing, I shall take that trip. 

And that, is just the beginning of 2021. It was just beautiful. Put aside all the anger or disappointment, if any. I just want to remember the good feelings. And I shall bring this good feelings all throughout 2021. May 2021 be a good year for health, wealth, peace and joy. In shaa Allah. 

December wish

December is here. The fastest December ever. It's like January came and wham! It's December again. And it's no doubt gonna be a short one. Then again, in fact 2020 seemed too short, wayyyy too short. As usual, time to reflect what I have achieved this year. Surprisingly a lot really. To think that it is the year of lockdown, I have actually achieved a lot in quite a lot of things. Especially in the work that I do. Both as being a financial advisor as well as translator. I should pat myself on the back. No, I'm not asking anyone to do that for me too.. nor I expect other people to recognize or know what I have achieved. Just enough for me to know, hence I know my own capabilities. I know I can, now it's proven, I really can. I'm not a big dreamer, I'm more of the practical one. I don't dream big at all. Neither am I complacent with where I am today. But I'm always looking further away. I don't want to chase a big dream in the expense of the time with my family and friends. Perhaps I sound weak having said this. Not ambitious. But hey, that's my choice. You are what you choose to be in life. And so I chose this. Sometimes I think I'm not doing much in life, but then again I think this is my choice, be it bad or good, less or more, happy or sad.. I chose it to be that! And so.. to achieve beyond my usual so so performance is something great. And to have achieved it in the current condition, is even more meaningful.. and sweet. It's nothing big for some already-achievers, but it is for me. I feel like I'm making baby steps towards something great. I don't know. Perhaps. Who knows. 

I pray that the new year will see me accomplish something much more. But more importantly, I hope it'll be more fulfilling heart and soul, not just on the surface of being successful but feeling empty inside. I do wish that I have a bigger heart to protect myself from any heartache or sufferings. I wish I'm more tolerable to pain.. pain that cannot be cured by any medicine. I pray that God will give me more strength for this. 

There are still a few more weeks to next year. I hope for some miracles. Be it anything.. good of course. We shall see. Perhaps I get to see the sunrise over the calming sea, perhaps I get to sip that coffee overlooking a bridge at sunset, perhaps I get to reminisce about old times under the stars (by the beach with a campfire - ohh this will be a bonus), and perhaps I get to wander around that island and have ice cream.. perhaps.. perhaps.. 

Dreams in November Rain

 It has been raining daily with thunderstorm for the past one week. It marked the rainy season in Malaysia. As always. The only difference this year is that it is coupled with the rampant virus spread in the society despite the Control Movement Order, despite the strict SOPs imposed. And the health authority said the rain (or snow) will make the spread worse through the droplets of water if not controlled strictly. Being cooped at home in a gloomy weather with the same routine everyday can make one go crazy. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Fortunately kids are busy with their online classes and Mr Hubby is busy working virtually. So that just left only me sticking to the boring house routine. Oh yeah sure, there are so many things that I can do in the house like try new recipes, clean up the wardrobes, clear up the store, rearrange clothes, and the list is just endless. But do I really want to do that on top of the daily never ending house chores? No way. I want to do something exciting. Something new. Perhaps I should enter a writing contest or a translation contest (this I missed the deadline already) or perhaps read a good book. Or watch a good movie - which I already searched but none came through. 

I really hope the rain will go away soon. And importantly, I wish the virus will just diminish! I want to go away .. I want to go places, hang out by the beach, watch the sunset and sunrise, have coffee and chit chat with girlfriends.. and so many more. I want to wander around an island and have ice cream under the hot sun, in my shorts, slippers and hat. With giggling girlfriends. OK fine.. pictures of youth. Perhaps I should reiterate. I want to walk slowly (without cane I hope), leisurely enjoying the company of girlfriends, in my most comfortable long pants and shirt, with a fashionable hat, with occasional elegant laugh, simply savoring the moment and remembering the past without any regret, wishing we could have done more. Wink wink!

It's always nice to imagine, dream and just smile at it. I have often imagined and dream of things, events, trips, and numerous happenings that I wish would happen for real. There are some that actually came true. VERY few. Then again, I thank God that it happened. I also thank God for those that has yet to happen. Because I know it will happen or if it doesn't, that means it is not meant to be for me. I'm saying this not to make me feel better but because I believe Allah has plans for me and His is the best, so I shall follow. 

I'm feeling better already having written this down. I thought I was gonna go bonkers. Let's hope the November rain will stop. Let there be a rainbow after that. Let the sun shines again till dusk. Let me have a peak at the beautiful sunset over the buildings, trains and trees (though it'll be more picturesque over the sea, but this will do). Let's pray for a miracle. Merrily, God is ever listening and Loves His servant immensely. 

Another closure in life: Forgiveness

 I had an unexpectedly pleasant closure in life. It's closing of an old wound.. a good one. Something that I thought I would never do. Forgiving someone who treated you so bad in life was never easy. But I did it. After so many years. after many rounds of listening to the learned ustaz and ustazah, I feel deeply in my heart and give my forgiveness. I'm not sure if this person even knew I was hurting and never forgive her in my heart. I only showed it through my actions.

And now, with all my heart, I forgive her. For whatever she said to me, intentionally or not, I forgive her. And with that I feel so good. With that I can feel my heart feels lighter. I got the chance to see this person face to face and act as though nothing ever happened between us. I was genuinely natural towards her, as compared to before. I used to avoid her or not go to where I think she would be. Now I am free, I don't have to avoid anybody anymore. 

Alhamdulillah. As I am writing this, I am smiling (as corny as it may sound). I have no feelings towards her anymore. The hatred is gone. The hurt is gone. It may not be replaced with love or friendship even, but just as sisters in eyes of God. 

I wish her the best in life .. well.. she's already living a good life, so to speak. Then, may she continue to prosper in life, and have a good afterlife. In shaa Allah.

Alhamdulillah.