December wish

December is here. The fastest December ever. It's like January came and wham! It's December again. And it's no doubt gonna be a short one. Then again, in fact 2020 seemed too short, wayyyy too short. As usual, time to reflect what I have achieved this year. Surprisingly a lot really. To think that it is the year of lockdown, I have actually achieved a lot in quite a lot of things. Especially in the work that I do. Both as being a financial advisor as well as translator. I should pat myself on the back. No, I'm not asking anyone to do that for me too.. nor I expect other people to recognize or know what I have achieved. Just enough for me to know, hence I know my own capabilities. I know I can, now it's proven, I really can. I'm not a big dreamer, I'm more of the practical one. I don't dream big at all. Neither am I complacent with where I am today. But I'm always looking further away. I don't want to chase a big dream in the expense of the time with my family and friends. Perhaps I sound weak having said this. Not ambitious. But hey, that's my choice. You are what you choose to be in life. And so I chose this. Sometimes I think I'm not doing much in life, but then again I think this is my choice, be it bad or good, less or more, happy or sad.. I chose it to be that! And so.. to achieve beyond my usual so so performance is something great. And to have achieved it in the current condition, is even more meaningful.. and sweet. It's nothing big for some already-achievers, but it is for me. I feel like I'm making baby steps towards something great. I don't know. Perhaps. Who knows. 

I pray that the new year will see me accomplish something much more. But more importantly, I hope it'll be more fulfilling heart and soul, not just on the surface of being successful but feeling empty inside. I do wish that I have a bigger heart to protect myself from any heartache or sufferings. I wish I'm more tolerable to pain.. pain that cannot be cured by any medicine. I pray that God will give me more strength for this. 

There are still a few more weeks to next year. I hope for some miracles. Be it anything.. good of course. We shall see. Perhaps I get to see the sunrise over the calming sea, perhaps I get to sip that coffee overlooking a bridge at sunset, perhaps I get to reminisce about old times under the stars (by the beach with a campfire - ohh this will be a bonus), and perhaps I get to wander around that island and have ice cream.. perhaps.. perhaps.. 

Dreams in November Rain

 It has been raining daily with thunderstorm for the past one week. It marked the rainy season in Malaysia. As always. The only difference this year is that it is coupled with the rampant virus spread in the society despite the Control Movement Order, despite the strict SOPs imposed. And the health authority said the rain (or snow) will make the spread worse through the droplets of water if not controlled strictly. Being cooped at home in a gloomy weather with the same routine everyday can make one go crazy. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Fortunately kids are busy with their online classes and Mr Hubby is busy working virtually. So that just left only me sticking to the boring house routine. Oh yeah sure, there are so many things that I can do in the house like try new recipes, clean up the wardrobes, clear up the store, rearrange clothes, and the list is just endless. But do I really want to do that on top of the daily never ending house chores? No way. I want to do something exciting. Something new. Perhaps I should enter a writing contest or a translation contest (this I missed the deadline already) or perhaps read a good book. Or watch a good movie - which I already searched but none came through. 

I really hope the rain will go away soon. And importantly, I wish the virus will just diminish! I want to go away .. I want to go places, hang out by the beach, watch the sunset and sunrise, have coffee and chit chat with girlfriends.. and so many more. I want to wander around an island and have ice cream under the hot sun, in my shorts, slippers and hat. With giggling girlfriends. OK fine.. pictures of youth. Perhaps I should reiterate. I want to walk slowly (without cane I hope), leisurely enjoying the company of girlfriends, in my most comfortable long pants and shirt, with a fashionable hat, with occasional elegant laugh, simply savoring the moment and remembering the past without any regret, wishing we could have done more. Wink wink!

It's always nice to imagine, dream and just smile at it. I have often imagined and dream of things, events, trips, and numerous happenings that I wish would happen for real. There are some that actually came true. VERY few. Then again, I thank God that it happened. I also thank God for those that has yet to happen. Because I know it will happen or if it doesn't, that means it is not meant to be for me. I'm saying this not to make me feel better but because I believe Allah has plans for me and His is the best, so I shall follow. 

I'm feeling better already having written this down. I thought I was gonna go bonkers. Let's hope the November rain will stop. Let there be a rainbow after that. Let the sun shines again till dusk. Let me have a peak at the beautiful sunset over the buildings, trains and trees (though it'll be more picturesque over the sea, but this will do). Let's pray for a miracle. Merrily, God is ever listening and Loves His servant immensely. 

Another closure in life: Forgiveness

 I had an unexpectedly pleasant closure in life. It's closing of an old wound.. a good one. Something that I thought I would never do. Forgiving someone who treated you so bad in life was never easy. But I did it. After so many years. after many rounds of listening to the learned ustaz and ustazah, I feel deeply in my heart and give my forgiveness. I'm not sure if this person even knew I was hurting and never forgive her in my heart. I only showed it through my actions.

And now, with all my heart, I forgive her. For whatever she said to me, intentionally or not, I forgive her. And with that I feel so good. With that I can feel my heart feels lighter. I got the chance to see this person face to face and act as though nothing ever happened between us. I was genuinely natural towards her, as compared to before. I used to avoid her or not go to where I think she would be. Now I am free, I don't have to avoid anybody anymore. 

Alhamdulillah. As I am writing this, I am smiling (as corny as it may sound). I have no feelings towards her anymore. The hatred is gone. The hurt is gone. It may not be replaced with love or friendship even, but just as sisters in eyes of God. 

I wish her the best in life .. well.. she's already living a good life, so to speak. Then, may she continue to prosper in life, and have a good afterlife. In shaa Allah.

Alhamdulillah.

2020 - The unexpected year that is!

 It is already the last two months of 2020. Who would have thought that 2020 is the 'home' year.. the year when most Malaysians spent their time mostly at home, thanks to the Covid-19 virus. The deadly virus that has killed so many people globally, changed so many lives, changed the norms of the world, and even changed the way people think, work, and act. It basically changed the world! 

Here in Malaysia, we have been hit with the third wave towards the end of September. We were just beginning to enjoy the new normal of life when the third wave hit and things have slowed down again. We are back in the Conditional Movement Control Order where there are certain movement rules and we have to comply. The worst is, NO SCHOOL! AH yes, there's the so called 'online classes' which normally depending the school, the teacher and perhaps the students themselves. Not everyone will have the privilege of having the good facilities to go online. Sad. 

It's really a hard choice to make I'm sure, among the authorities, to decide between health and the economy. It has to go hand it hand. The economy of the world suffered so much. Not just in Malaysia. Some may got hit hardest, some barely hit. Alhamdulillah for me and family, things are running as usual, there are still food on the table and shelter above our heads. Things changed here and there but we are surviving, and we are so ever grateful for this. 

My prayers for today would be for the cure of this virus be found. Surely there are reasons that Allah sent out this virus to humans. I pray that this will be over soon. I pray Allah will cure all those who have been infected. I pray that those 'economically' affected by the virus, will get up again and able to survive, I pray that things will get better, and mostly I pray that Allah will protect us all from the virus. Please forgive us all. Please take away Covid-19 from the earth. Please hear us and answer our prayers. Indeed, You are the best planner, the Most Knowing and the Most Loving. 

Stages of my life - Part 1

 Some of the things that happened around my life lately has got me thinking about the stages of my life. While I am ever so grateful to have reached half a century of age, I reflected what life had been for the past five decades, I would say I'd had life fully at its best, not necessarily achieved what I had dreamt of but enough to make my life full. I used to regret so many things in my younger days, always hoping that my life was not as such, wishing for a better life, dreaming of a better job, even thinking of running away from home in pursuit of a better life. Of course those were only in my head.. it was never materialized. And I'm glad I did not make it happen!

My life is easily mapped by stages. I may not remember everything in details but I do have some collections of significant moments.

The first stage would be from birth to age 12. This was the very stage full of love, tender loving care of my parents and family. We stayed in a rural area where everyone cares for each other in the village.. it's nothing like you see today where everyone is cautious of each other without even knowing each other. I enjoyed my childhood immensely. I have no recollection of bad memories at all... well almost, other than some little siblings bickering which is only normal in a family. Having reached my age now most of memories have gone too deep in my memory bank to be recalled. But my feelings strongly told me that this was the love stage, showers of love that I may not get ever again in other stages of life. One thing for sure, this was the stage that my parents planted the base in me, a very strong base for me to carry for the rest of my life. Something you only realised much much later in life or maybe only when you have children of your own. What was planted in me at this stage, whatever it was, saved me from so so many things/events/people all throughout my life. My parents had done such wonderful job in preparing me to be who I am today during this stage.

The next stage of life was the time I was sent away for a boarding school and for a pre-university program. My boarding school life was something that I want to erase. I hated it.. I hated the 5 hour journey in a non-air-conditioning bus to the school.. I hated the hours they made me study.. I hated the rules and so so many rules they imposed in our daily lives. Life was going in and about in a confined compound with rules.. I just dislike everything. BUT.. I endured the 5 years. I endured it for the sake of learning, I endured it for the sake of growing up and learning something about life. I can bear it because I have wonderful friends and educators who made the dull place livable and colorful. Indeed, it taught me many firsts in life. It was just the beginning about life. Not long after that, I boarded another place for my pre-u. It was an eye-opener and yet shocking to me who has been 'grounded' for the previous 5 years. It was a new world altogether. It was the world so wide, open, lively and too colorful that I got scared getting into it. It was a struggle at first. I love it so much that I had to contain myself as I was scared I got carried away with the fast and different flow of life. The 5 grounding years had indeed taught me something, or perhaps it was the strong basic rules of life my parents instilled in me has saved me from getting swayed away in this new life. I lay low here, I struggled in the new environment and yet enjoying it towards the end of my stay. At this stage also I lost my dear dad, something so unexpected. Somehow I was not too crushed since I know I still have my mom whom I'm closer too (but that doesn't mean I was not sad).

I will stop here for now before moving on to the next stage of my life. These two stages of life were the fragile life of me. Too sheltered with love and dependency. Life took a complete turn in the next stage due to many reasons and events. It was the start of the real journey of my life. I'm glad though it happened that way. It made my life more colorful, livable, memorable. At least I will have something to say and look back later in life. No, it's not all colorful at all... it has some dark patches that I wish I can just erase but I truly believe God has planned it that way. 

I MADE IT!

 Alhamdulillah.. I gracefully made it to 50! Through thick and thins. Through rain and shine. Through darkness and light. I really made it! It was not an easy journey, but I made it. It was indeed a beautiful journey that I shall treasure every second of it. Many many times I feel like giving up, frustrated and disappointed with life but those were the moments that developed me and made me stronger and perhaps brought me to another level of life. There were so many instances that made me cringe in fear, low in frustration, soaked in tears and flamed in anger. Then again there were also moments of happiness, pride and simply contentment. I am so grateful to Allah for all these moments that I went through for the past 50 years. Though the road was never smooth, the storms never ceased, but so was the sun, it never stop shining. And for that, I made it, in one piece!

For the rest of my life, for the short or long time that I still have left, for the path that I have to trudge, I wish to have many more of those moments, sad or happy.. I wish to have more meaningful memories with my loved ones... I wish to stay healthy, sound and energized... I wish to fulfill my dreams (albeit it may be too late)

Thank you Allah for the time. Thank you Allah for the abundance that you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for what I am today. Please make the rest of my life a meaningful one, please grant me more time on this earth so that I can serve You more, so that I have more time to prepare for my afterlife. 

Expectation

 When you have expectation, you are most likely to be disappointed. I have learnt this all throughout my life. But how should one not have any expectation at all? Isn't life is about expectation? Perhaps we should rename it as something else.. but not expectation. Because after expectation is a disappointment. Ok fine, I'm such a pessimist! But really.. perhaps we should call it a dream, a goal, an aim? Isn't that something different altogether? An expectation, by defined meaning "a strong belief that something will happen or be the case". It is what we believe to happen. Hence comes in the disappointment if it didn't happen. You will be crushed, frustrated, agitated, and discouraged. A normal human reaction to a letdown. 

Wikipedia defined expectation as "In the case of uncertainty, expectation is event that considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment.".  Just as I defined it even before I looked it up in Wiki.

So why am I talking about expectation today? I did not have expectation or whatsoever today and yet ended up feeling disappointed like I haven't felt for a long time. And it crushed me. Perhaps one would say, it's nothing compared to what other people go through in life. Hey no! First I don't want to compare to other people. Secondly, this is what I always to go through in life, this is not the first time, but the feeling always feel the same. Disappointing. Perhaps if I have expected it to be this way maybe I won't feel so dejected. I did not expect it at all. So even if you don't expect something to be that way, you could also be disappointed. Since I had almost a rotten day (I said almost because not all day is rotten.. the first half was a pleasant one!), you will hear me rambling all the negative sides of expectation. Perhaps it''s not even about expectation. I just like to put it that way. It is my page.. I can say whatever I want. Nobody's reading anyway.

Then again, there's also a rainbow at the end of expectation. When expectation is met. You didn't know it's gonna happen, but you expect or you hope it would happen. Then what you feel is joy, happiness, confident, and satisfied. So it could have some good vibes to it. 

Perhaps it is all about how you manage expectation. Then you won't be so crushed after all.

It all boils down to your mental condition. How you can a manage a situation. The worst a person can do to another is accusing someone of something that he/she didn't do for the sake of putting a blame on someone unexpectedly. You are leaving the victim in pain, crushed, devastated, dejected and frustrated. If it happens once, you may forget about it. But if it happens over and over again, you are already setting the expectation trend, nevertheless the pain is still the same or perhaps even more. One thing for sure it never get less.

And  this post is the most unexpected and for sure did not meet my expectation nor the readers. It's just a way for me to write something and letting something off my chest. Problem not solved but it's been poured out. 

Coffee. Sleep. A good feel good movie. Beach. Ocean. Getaway. Girls only. 

No expectation. No feelings. Go with the flow.