Mid Year Review

 It looks like this page have almost been infested by spider web.. 

I chance upon this page today and feel the need to say something. I read my previous post and couldn't even remember what was the 'bad' thing that happened in 2025 that prompted me to write as such! Sheesh!

It's already mid of 2026 (BIG sighhhhhhh). Life has been pretty busy with too many things. I wish I could remember but apparently not. I'm just thankful that I am still healthy and able to write this post. My biggest fear is that I am not able to write at all, anywhere. I am ever ever so grateful, so blessed to be able to write. Though I feel that my ability to remember things is declining, at least I am still able to do things, routinely or non-routine. Alhamdulillah. 

My only wish for now is that I am capable to live just as I was before, physically, emotionally, mentally. No I am not sick or anything, Alhamdulillah. But I can feel age is taking a toll on me even though I'm not that near of the failing, and ailing age. I am not complaining but yeah.. just wish.

May Allah grant me a healthy body and mind for the rest of the year and for many many more years to come. 

2026 Please be kind!

I wanted to beat myself and write before the new year came. I lost!

I have no energy, passion nor patience to write at the end of the year. Alhamdulillah this time Allah moved me to write. 

I wanted to write about my achievement, my failure, my joy, my frustration (this one weighs the most)... but maybe not.. it's too cliche huh..

I've had my fair share of achievement and joy in 2025. I had a colorful year, too many events that made the year passed by in a breeze. I have to look back because I want to remember everything but my brain storage has come to the brim and some memories simply slipped out. Many times I wish I remember especially those joyful moment, but who are we to ask. We are driven by Him.. we will remember if He lets us. 

But I remember my frustrations too. It is mostly emotions that left a scar in my heart. And to think of it the scar that has been there for a long time but it always resurface and bleed again, no matter how much I try to heal it. Sometimes it's not even painful anymore, my brain has become immune to it but my hearts still hurt. The only thing is that these days, I try to rationalise it, change my perspective and remind myself that this is by Allah's decree, and I have to accept it for He knows best. No matter how painful it is, I have to accept it because it comes from Allah and we don't know the good in it. 

I hope 2026 will be a better year. As we always wish another new year will be a better year. Isn't life always like that.. life has to progress better. Another year should be better than the year before, even today should be better than yesterday. At this age especially, the age that anything can happen to me anytime, the age that I should look forward to reap what I sow, I shouldn't be 'planning' for life anymore. I should be planning for my afterlife, that is nearer to me now. I should use the rest of my life in peace, harmony, no backbiting, no envy, no regrets, no blaming... just enjoy a quiet peaceful life. I have lived my life before. Except a few things, I have gone through a good life. Alhamdulillah. 

I'm not sure what I'm getting at in this post really. But yeah.. it is the beginning of the year. I sure hope 2026 will bring me more joy, success, good deeds, and I hope I can be a better person for the akhirah. 

So come 2026, bring it on! May Allah ease and guide me.. Aminn..

 

The stories that nurture you

 Listening to my children's stories, rants, complaints or even rage is always my priority. And then it become the story of my life or the story that makes up my experience in life. If I look back in my storage of stories, it is brimming with wonderful, colorful, sad, happy, frustrating stories.. it will make such beautiful book. I don't remember all the stories because as time goes by these stories got hidden away, being pushed down below to accommodate new stories. But some stories remain visible and being remembered forever. Even sad horrible stories, you remember, because it leaves a scar in your heart. And these stories can become good reminders for your life. It becomes the source of good advice that you can give to your children in case they go through the same experience. 

My children are now collecting their own life stories. I don't have much to offer them in terms of materials but I have a lot of stories, advice, and experience to share with them when they need. And i hope these then make up their own life, if i were to go early, before they are ready and when they still need me (just like me when I lost my parents at tender age), I hope these stories and advice will remain with them when they need me the most. I hope my words will soothe them, will dry their tears and will make them strong and smart to face whatever they face in their lives. I truly hope so!

This year I heard most heartbreaking stories from my children. Exam failures, job failures, relationship failures. Every child has his/her own struggles and hurdles that he/she has to face and go through. It breaks my heart every time this happens. I wish I can go through it for them, but hey... I HAVE gone through it before. I have gone through all of it. I have even gone through loss of my parents at their age. So yeah.. what else is there. I hope they don't have to go through that so soon. But all these experience are the ones that grow them, makes them who they are, nurture them to become a better and stronger person. Isn't it?

I see their growth in every failure, let alone success. I see their growth in every struggle. Alhamdulillah, Allah's plans are the BEST as I see the goodness in every occasion. Yes it was painful for a while, but difficult path always lead to beautiful place. You just have to endure it, preserve, and march ahead. 

I say the same prayer every time and I will say it over and over again. I pray that Allah will take care of my children, lead them to the right path, not to stray away for Allah's path. I pray for their success duniyya and akhirah. I pray that they will stay steadfast in their lives, no matter how life turns out for them, no matter how bad or how good. There's hikmah in everything that happens in our lives. Tawakkal 'alallah. 

Letting go

This sounds heavy.

As heavy as it feels in my heart.

The art of letting go is many. The meaning of letting varies. I came across some remarkable quotes on Letting Go.. it's mostly kind of heart breaking. But to me, letting go is just part of life. You have to let go of things, people, friendship, relationship. There is nothing that is permanent in this world, at some point of life, you are letting go of your life on earth.. you leave this world. People will have to let you go, you have to let go of people in your life. Nothing is permanent. Only the afterlife is permanent, infinite.

But how do you let go of people in this life? Letting go of people also can mean many things. You let them go so that they can grow, you let them go because you can no longer tolerate them for whatever reason, you let them go because you lost contact with them, or you let them go because you outgrow them.. yes, this can happen too. 

I realized something these past few weeks, sadly, that I have to let go the control or the grasp that I have over my children. As much as I want them to be under my control I know that someday I have to let them go. They are at the age of discovering themselves. I cannot be holding their hands in that process (though I want to) because most of the time what they want is not what I want for them. They have their own lives to live... their own journey, their own path. Allah has charted their path. All I have to do is pray for them while letting go of their hands. This is kind of heartbreaking but I have to be strong. I will be there, always be there whenever they need me. I can guide them but they will choose their own path. I pray hard that they choose wisely, and not stray away from the right path, the path of Allah. 

I have to remind myself that they have a long way to go ahead of them, and I won't be here forever to guide them. Hence, I will continue to guide them as much as I can whenever needed as long I'm still around. And I hope I will not feel hurt and feel left behind when they are already way ahead in their path. But I do hope that they will look back and reach for my hands once a while, I do hope that they remember that I'm always here watching their back and ready welcome them with open arms, and I sure do hope that they don't forget me and leave me behind altogether. 

It is time for me to move on with my own life. Do whatever that I can with my free hands, something that can move me forward, something worth of my free time, something to prepare me for the infinite afterlife. 

• “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” - Eckhart Tolle
• "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse
• "In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." - Deepak Chopra
• "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

The cycle that be

For every post that I write, have written.. it comes from my heart. It comes from what I am feeling at the moment. It's not something that I plan. It is sometimes something that burdens me, enlightens me, worries me or frustrates me. Sometimes I feel so much to pour my heart out but my laptop is not with me.. sometimes I feel so much to write but too lazy to get up and write. And on the days like this, I just grab my laptop and pour myself out. I just need to scribble something. Sometimes I have so much to write without a title but sometimes, like today, I have my title first and here am I babbling away without much to tell.

I just want to make a mark that I am still alive and kicking. I just want to tell the world (though nobody actually notice anyway) that yes... no matter how bad the world is treating me or how bad I'm treating myself or people treat me, I am still alive and kicking. Actually I'm doing fine, really. This is an affirmation. I'm doing better than anybody else. I can do better too. It's just how I treat the world around me and be it. 

Ahhh so much rambling. I live the moment. I put my life in Allah's hand, and I shall live my life for Him. Just Him alone. Then I will be fine. I don't have to answer to anyone but Him. Life is short, the afterlife is indefinite. 

The cycle of life is almost coming the end .. each day is nearing to the end. I shall make the best of it as we don't know for sure when it will end. For whenever it is, I am so grateful that I have come this far. I wish to stay on for a little longer, to witness the success of my children, their marriage, their offspring if any, their joy and sorrow.. I want to be there during their matured life.. i hope Allah will grant me these moments. I hope He will grant me the health and wealth to hold on for a little bit more. 

So much so... live the moment. Pray the rest. 

 

Embracing the moment

 Time is an essence. 'By the passage of time. Indeed, mankind is in loss...'

Indeed, I am one who is always in loss for time. Look at it, it is now April coming to May of 2025. My last post was at the end of December 2024 and I thought it was only a few weeks ago.

Gone was 4 precious months, gone was Ramadhan, and Syawal is soon ending too. What have I achieved? Have I achieved anything at all? 

People come and go. I fear my time has come too. I fear I may not be able to do so many things. I pray that I will have enough to cover me for the afterlife. The infinite afterlife, the one I hope so much will make me happy, the one I dream of having my dream house and enjoy beautiful life God has promised. In shaa Allah. 

And why am I babbling on this? Just. I am just appalled at how time has flown. I am just frustrated with myself for allowing time to pass by without doing anything. But then again, I may have overlooked it. I managed to run my 2025 project, though starting a bit late, in February. I managed to uphold my supposedly demoted rank, by closing some good deals. I managed to complete a few paid projects during Ramadhan. Not bad at all. But why am I thinking it's still not enough? Perhaps I can do better actually? Yeah that's what I always thought. I am never good enough even to myself. 

Whatever it is, I am still thankful for all the good things that has happened up to now. Thankful that we are safe in many ways. I am thankful we have enough for all our necessities though sometimes I felt like we are truly struggling. I am still thankful that my health is still good though my strength has deteriorated. I am still able to walk, go up the stairs and manage myself well. Alhamdulillah.

For whatever that comes in this rushing period, I shall embrace. I shall embrace the moment, seize the opportunities, and will not regret any losses, as it is ALL God's plan that has been written for me.

Good bye 2024

 We made it until the end of 2024.. a few more hours left that is. But yeah Alhamdulillah. 2024 has been a quiet year I would say. too quiet, too lazy and unproductive. But still I have achieved some significant personal milestone that I am proud of. I managed to shed some kilos.. this is VERY important as it helps with my mobility. I also have climbed the 'rank' in my Quran recitation and managed to memorize a few short surahs that I've been putting off for so long! Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. This I would say is my biggest achievement. And I planned to do more in the next year. It will be my number one priority.

So for the new year, let's not call it a new year resolution. I would call it things to do, or something to achieve and progress. I have to do more. I seriously need to relook the 'business side' of my life. Something that is already in place but not properly managed. If I manage it well I'm sure I can travel somewhere at least by next year. In shaa Allah.

I am also in gear to a new venture which will start end of January. This should keep a steady income ..again if managed well. I pray for the success of this project. 

I pray for a healthier body, a sound mind and a calm and peaceful year ahead. I pray I will be called to the House of Allah. I pray Allah will keep me in His list and make me afford the trip. Aminnn. 

Bi iznillah. Ya Allah, I have only You to lean on. Please grant my prayers.

Happy 2025 everyone. I hope you will achieve your dreams and hopes.. In shaa Allah.

Life is a gift. Live the moment.

 'Life is a gift. Time is all we have. Live in the present, as best as you can, each and everyday.' This is what Zac Efron says in the Netflix documentary 'Down To Earth'. I watched this documentary in awe. It talks so much about life, mostly focusing on how people is the different continent in the world have a longer life compared to others. Amazingly there's this area in the world called the Blue Zones, where people live longer as they live a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. There's this book called The Blue Zones by Dan Buettner. The author travelled the world to the Blue Zones and study the lifestyles of the people of the Blue Zones, how they manage to live above 100 years old. It's a very interesting documentary, unfortunately it did not attract much audience hence was cancelled altogether. But I managed to finish to whole series before it was taken off from Netflix. Apparently people prefer fictions rather than watching documentaries. Even a documentary on how to live longer does not attract people! Obviously we all like a dreamy world better, world that is full of fictions, even it means a shorter life! Really!

But why am I blabbering about this now? 

We had an episode of a health scare last week. My husband thought he was having a stroke! Now that was scary really. But what made it worse is a misdiagnosed by a GP. THAT actually was the scary part, not so much of the pain or discomfort that he was having. Then again it is always better be safe than sorry. After what seemed to be forever waiting in the ER, after a few tests, Alhamdulillah it came out clear that it was not a stroke. Alhamdulillah. I swear, he looked VERY fine except when the GP told him "most of the left blood vessels are blocked, blood is not going much to your brain".. now who wouldn't be scared of such statement. And this come from his most trusted GP. When the specialist (at a hospital, not at the clinic) came to look at him and came out with the MRA results, he said 'don't trust a GP so much when he didn't have the right equipment or expertise to examine you'.. ohhh wellll! 

And so why is he having the symptoms though? Stress. He's been so stressed with many things that week. Including being mad at me .. oh what's new with this eh. But yeah. Stress can lead you to many things including this, and waste of time and energy as well. 

I always view my life as being the difficult one. But come to think of it, it is all about how I view life. If you view your as such, it becomes that. Stress should not be in your system if you view life differently. I am calmer now. Thanks to all the religious classes that I attended. I am more at ease with myself and my surroundings. When you understand how this world works, how your relationship works, how you should view your life, how you should accept your life.. you will feel calmer, at ease, peaceful. The world is temporary anyway, it should not be stressful. Embrace the moment. All has been destined and charted for you. For every little thing that happens, every moment, every second.. it's been written. And you live only for your creator, not for another human being. Not for your spouse, not for your kids. Having these in mind, I found peace. I hope I can live as long as the people in the Blue Zone. Though I still do need to work a little bit more in the healthy lifestyle department.. haha. Yes, you do need to live healthily as well. Then again when you lead a healthy lifestyle, your mind will automatically be more positive hence stress should not be in the system.

Indeed life is a gift. It is a gift you should treasure and take care of. And yes, I am going to live the moment, no regrets, no stress. Bi iznillah. 

Sleek September

 I'm not sure if I could call September sleek but I do not know how else to describe my September. September 2024 was full of events that I want to remember.

There were two wedding receptions of two very close persons to my heart. And these receptions took three weekends of September. I simply love it! I got to meet all my relatives, had fun at the colorful events, donned beautiful dresses and savored delicious wedding meals. Ahh such joy.

I also had my anniversary on the same day of one of the receptions. How lovely. Can't believe my marriage is still intact at 27 years. It really is a miracle. Only God knows. The things that we have to go through.. it's unbelievable. 

Then in the midst of all these, my youngest baby finally registered himself for college! How times flew.. the baby is in college. I'm not sure to feel relieved or burdened to the fact that he is staying at home and commute daily to campus. This is not what we plan at all. Not that I want him to get out of the house, but I do feel that being away from the house can teach him some independence and self discovery. But who knows, Allah surely has something better for us to arrange this as such. 

We also had two road trips this month, one to my hometown for a young cousin's wedding (ahh then it is actually 3 weddings). And another trip north tagging along Mr Hubs for a meeting. While he was in a meeting, me and kids managed to savor some great local delicacies. As well as great coffee with a great friend. 

And last but not least.. it was my birthday on the last week of September. Alhamdulillah I made it this far. Alhamdulillah for the good life I've had (though with so many complaints). Alhamdulillah for the great people in my life. Alhamdulillah for everything. 

So there goes. It surely was a wonderful month to remember. And I would say September has always been great to me. Any September.

Please don't mind this entry.. I pen this down for the sake of noting down the events, so that I will remember this month of 2024, so that I will be reminded of how great it was. It is definitely not an entry full of passion writing. I would love to go deeper in each event but the words seemed to be swimming away from me. Oh well! 

The year that almost gone by

 This must be the fastest year of my entire life!! I did not manage to write anything for the past 6 months.. what have I been doing? What have I been doing as to ignore my writing for such a long time? Nothing really! REALLY! I have been postponing my life without realizing that the time passed me by in an instant. 

To say that many things had happened for the past six months.. not really. Not much happened. Nothing extra ordinary I would say. It's just the usual thing, nothing major happened.. life just passed me by.

Now let's see what I had written since last year and compare with the situation now. I noticed there were two major things that I mentioned before. One is the 'decision' that I was supposed to take that should effect my remaining life. On that, last year, no I didn't 'embark' on it. I decided against it, hence my life remains as it is. However, psychologically I feel more at ease. I just changed my perspective towards it. I learnt hard that you cannot expect anything from human, you must totally depend, expect, and ask ONLY from the almighty ALLAH. For whatever you want, every little thing, everything you only get FROM Him.. for whatever you do, you do it FOR Him. Hence, you get appreciation/rewards only FROM Him as well, DO NOT expect anything from another human out of love or out of anything that you do for them. NO NO. Not especially out of LOVE for another human. Even your love should be entirely for ALLAH. Having said this, I pledge and devote my remaining life and love only for HIM. Because I know, HE will not leave me, disappoint me and let alone judge me. Bi iznillah, my life will be more calm and peaceful.

Another thing that I wrote early this year is my quest to be healthier, i.e to lose some fat! Alhamdulillah I fare better in this section too! I manage to control my diet hence lose some extra fat though not much. But I managed to control my cravings and managed to fit into my fave baju kurung without much fuss. Alhamdulillah. It's not so much to fit into baju kurung really but I need to be lighter for the sake of my knees. My knees cannot be burdened by heavy weight as it is losing it's smoothness due to arthritis. I'm partially handicapped when it comes to my knees.. and I'm not even 60 yet! But Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah I can still walk, climb the stairs and cycle. Been going for physiotherapy sessions since early of the year, still trying to strengthen my calf and thigh muscles. Hope this will work.

The only thing that is still pending, and I think it will be for now, is my work. Did not manage to land any translation job (maybe I don't look hard enough) and did not manage to get new clients or investments. Then again, I know these need efforts. The efforts that I don't go for. It is entirely up to me. This is the section that I'm not so keen to work on, though I would die for extra bucks. But I do believe the rizq from Allah. Hence I don't worry so much. In shaa Allah there'll be something for me in store.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah i manage to update this today. What I did not update is the children's department, which also got me into a little bit of whirlwind this year. But yeah, let's save it for the next post. 

In shaa Allah till next. Alhamdulillah.

One for the new year..it's 2024!

 So I missed it. I missed the last entry of 2023 and started a new year entry in February. That bad huh! Again I failed to catch the time.. haha. So ok let's start the first entry with a more positive note shall we?

Alhamdulillah I made to the year 2024 with a healthy body and a sound mind. That is really a great blessing one could ever ask for. Especially for somebody like me who has so many doubts and challenges in life. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, 'ala kullihal.. despite my whines and complaints.. I made it. 

I have long given up on having new solutions for a new year. I'm too old for that anyway. And I especially hate the new solutions such as to get slimmer or earn more money. But I think I do need one this year. It's not so much for the look per say or to be "rich".. no no no. But I do need to get healthier, I do need to lose some fat so that I can "walk" again. My fat is dragging my knees, hindering me from doing many things I like and crashing my dreams to do whatever that I dream to do for a longgg time (like climb some mountains maybe?).. and I do need more money since the cost of living has hiked like nobody's business and it scares me not to have a little bit more perhaps. And most importantly I need to fulfill my responsibility towards the religion, the pilgrimage. I have yet to fulfill that and yet I have travelled to quite some places.. shame on me. 

So yeah.. in shaa Allah. I will update again on the progress, just for me to keep track of how I actually do it or not do it. I have started on the healthy diet (as in watching what I eat and reduce the portion.. perhaps I can start on the movement to keep fit as well) and I hope this will be a new habit. As I have never had any intention to lose weight before, this will be a great challenge. 

And lastly, another challenge to earn just a little bit more, or if I am more motivated enough, earn so much much more. Yeah! This has been a challenge for many many years but i just always made enough, with very much less effort. So what I have to do is give much more effort. And that is the challenge. I know I lack the effort. I have the tools and means, but not so much the effort. Oh God please give me the strength to do this .. aminnn...

And we shall see... 

Entry for the numbers!

 I have to beat my own number of entries for the year. I had 6 last year and this is the sixth for this year. Not sure if I can have another post this year. Not that I don't want but if i remember to write one! Tsk..

The year has come to an end without me realizing it. I am not sure if I live too much for the moment that I forgot to plan for the future? Or I'm too busy looking forward to the future that the future came too soon. For whatever that is, time seemed to skip many moments.. moments passed by too fast. It is too fast that I might have missed it.. too fast that I'm afraid that I may not be able to do things that is left to do in this life.. too fast that I'm scared I go before I am ready, before I can repent and get ready for it. I'm watching the time passing by before me. I have to be faster than time but at this age with a dragging feet, I cannot go faster. I give in too soon because I'm too weak to chase the time. I should have done it before it catches up on me. But yeah.. it is all not my PLAN, as ALLAH IS THE BEST PLANNER. If he does not will it, it will not happen. 

I will not write further as I think I will save it for the next entry. We'll see.

Wishes for life

 September marks another year in life for me, and for my marriage. Most of the time I myself wonder, how did I make it this far? But every time I praise my Lord for this blessings in my, regardless the condition. If it is bad, I take it as a test, if it is good it is also a test and a blessing. What more could you ask as a mere human, a slave to the Almighty. Nothing is yours in this world anyway. This is very much coming from a very calm mind, clear head. I would have written otherwise if I am not in this state of mind. Tsk!

Sometimes I really look forward to life and what it may bring me for the next phase. But sometimes I dread it and wish life could be better. But a session with a friend recently brought another view to life... not that I've not heard it before but maybe it was received at the time my head and heart was not heavy, hence whatever she said was easily absorbed and received well. We'll see how long will this last.

I only want a peaceful life, simple, just enough. I don't need a luxurious extravagance life. My morning would be perfect if I were to wake up surrounded by nature, perhaps with the sounds of waves or flowing stream, birds singing, fresh clean air and most importantly beautiful sunrise above the sea or over the mountains. That would be my perfect morning. And it would be end with a picturesque sunset, perhaps over dinner or a just sitting idle somewhere quiet and tranquil. Ahhh such a bliss.. just by imagining it. Perhaps, someday. 

Life is what you make of it. I have way too many regrets in life that I wish I could turn back the time. But who am I to question this. For every second, every move of my body, and this whole life is determined by the Almighty. I could not even possibly write this without being inspired and moved by HIM and HIM alone. Hence I should be redho whatever has been destined to me and make do with whatever that is in store for me. 

I will not give up on life. I will make the best for whatever remains. I should not waste any time, to make the most of my remaining life. I have yet to perform my Haj, my top priority.. And I have yet to go those mountains and all those beautiful sunrise and sunset spots, I have yet to watch the aurora! I have to see a little bit more of the world before I close my eyes. May Allah grant me the time, the health, the wealth and the kudrat to achieve all these.

The Essence of Time

 Ahhh June went by without me noticing it. It must have been a busy one too! Where did the time go? What did I do? WHERE was I?? Just like that life passed you by. Just like that I passed my 50 years of living. Alhamdulillah.. some people neve made it to 50! Hence I'm thankful and grateful to the Almighty. 

I have yet to make that dreadful decision. And yes, I am still hanging on to that life that I desperately want to get out from. Yeah... perhaps some day. I need to take one step and perhaps it just goes on and I can say.. "and the rest is history".. Perhaps someday! I'm still deciding.. not sure how or when it will happen. But for sure I will write it here. It will mark another milestone of my life if it really happens. 

I just want to have an easy, simple and peaceful life. Is that even too much to ask?

Memorable May

 Despite the 'agonizing' April. I have quite memorable busy busy May. It started with a colorful nice short Eid, then followed by a short family trip to Langkawi. It was a nice one with a very much controlled emotions (the same emotions brought forward from April.. ahaks). We haven't had a family trip for more than a year .. what more a trip by air. So despite the hesitant of one person, it went almost without a hitch. Almost!

Then came a surprised sponsored trip arranged by a very generous couple for us.. to accompany them on a honeymoon trip at the world famous island, Maldives. Never in my wildest dream I dream to go to this island, but Allah worked his miracle and enable me to go there. Alhamdulillah. I cannot be more thankful and grateful for the opportunity. The island was a wonder of beauty. It was again, Allah's most beautiful creation. It made me so small and humbled by it's beauty.

And the most interesting thing that came after Maldives is another trip, yeap like it never ends. This trip has been planned for years and it finally made real. A trip with my beloved trusted friends, again in Langkawi. We had so much fun. We had all the talks, the walks, and the giggle and laughter as much as we could, just as we always planned. We are already planning for another trip, a retreat as we call it, by the end of our time together. God knows when it will happen, but a plan is already in place, In shaa Allah. Nothing is more refreshing than bonding with your friends who were with you during your trying times, your growing up time and your joy and sorrow while trying to find your way through life. I love this trip the most as I got to be me.. the 20 something me while appearing 50s! 

And the closing of May is a graduation ceremony of Eussuv's diploma. He flew all the way from Istanbul for this and missing a few classes along the way this week. All for the memory! I hope it's a good one. I am always one for the memory, not for material things. Material can fade, memories stick in your head, be it good or bad. Congratulations Eussuv, one is in your hands and another one is underway. May Allah ease your journey. 

Just as I love my May, I hope June will be as good. There will be engagement and birthday celebrations in June. I hope it will be a joyful June! Fighting!

Ramadhan is here again

Alhamdulillah I am still here this Ramadhan. Never assume that you are going to be here again next Ramadhan. Life can end at any minute any second without us knowing. Hence do make the best Ramadhan every single time. Make du'a (say prayers), lots and lots of du'a every time. It may not be granted the way you want it to be, but just do it.

I have one du'a that I've been making for my entire marriage life and it is still not granted, not even a bit, in fact the situation seemed to be be worsened this year. I do not know what Allah is trying to tell me. I'm at loss, in despair!

Whatever it is, for the remaining two weeks of Ramadhan, I will try as hard to pray as much, do good deeds, remain calm (this is not gonna be easy, but this too will pass!) and take whatever that comes my way.

(I'm writing this in frustration! Frustrated over the situation that I cannot control, say out loud, or tell anyone!)

May Allah ease my remaining Ramadhan, may He grants my prayers (especially that very ONE du'a), may He accepts all my ibadah, my repents, and my good deeds. May He makes me strong enough to go through this test in Ramadhan (over and over again). Please don't take me away, not just yet. Just take away from this whole sickening, frustrating situation. IF ONLY.....

God have mercy on me!

HAPPY 2023!

 It's already almost a month into the new year! And here I am contemplating on what to write just to break the egg. 

It will always be the same start of new year thinking if I could do better this year... yeah... you must fare better in the new year.. yada yada yada...

We'll get to it.. My hope for this year is that I stay healthy, no, healthier in some ways.. so that I can do so much more physically. 

My greatest wish for 2023 is that I could perform my haj. Yes.. I pray hard and take some efforts towards. So I hope 5 months from now I will be writing about my Haj. In shaa Allah! May He opens His door for me and accept me into the Holy Land.

Those whom I long for..

Have you ever missed someone so bad that you think you're going crazy? Have you ever missed someone so much but you know that there's no way that you can see the person? I have! Missing that someone so dear and not being able to release the feeling is the worst kind of feeling. It's painful and sad, heart wrenching at a point. 

Missing someone who is no longer in this world is some kind of an impossible feeling.. a feeling that you know will only make you feel down, useless, sad, painful. The kind that will never be satisfied. It's more like a longing. It can really break you if you hang on to it. You can pin on it, but only for a while.. life must go on. I miss Mak, Bah, Pa. May they have a good life over there. 

But missing someone whom you know is alive and kicking, and you just cannot approach that person due to certain reasons is even worse. You want to so much but you can't. You wonder how the person is doing, you wonder if he/she even ever think of you like you do him/her. You even pray for the person, pray for their good lives, pray that someday, perhaps, that you get to see him/her again. And perhaps pray that he/she opens their hearts for you as in allowing you to be in touch with them again. My heart aches for these people whom I miss. How can one forgets their happy moments with the other person? Perhaps the bad moments are the ones linger in their hearts more and made them refusing to relate to us. There are two persons whom I miss talking to at this moment. These two left an impact in my life at some point or the other. I miss our great moments. But maybe that one bad moment changed things forever. I do want to turn back the time. But I know this has been destined to me for now. But who knows what Allah has in store for me. 

I pray that someday I get to see them again. Be the friends I used to be to them. Talk nonsense for hours, be silly, and perhaps now talk about the remaining times of our lives. How lovely.

Perhaps, someday!

Another life intersection

 When I read my last post, I wonder what triggered it. Must be something that really made me sad, as always. Writing is my therapy. Judging from the frequency of my writing, I sure did not have as much therapy that I should have. Often time I want to write so much just to pour out what's inside me, but I couldn't due to many reasons. Real reasons as well as excuses. 

I have missed August and September posts.. how time flies! August was a busy month .. I couldn't even remember why! But September.. it was really great! From the beginning of September I was busy preparing for my overseas trip.. a trip that I'd been anticipating, though not quite believe it was gonna happen. It did. It really happened. Done and dusted to my disbelief. Sometimes things just happened without you realizing it. It was kind of dream comes true with different picture but equally satisfying. Weird as it sound but Allah made it happen for me. Alhamdulillah. I couldn't be more grateful. Alhamdulillah I also celebrated my birthday with Eussuv and his friends for a change, instead of my own friends. And those in the homeland even forgot to wish me!! The best birthday present ever, of mountains, seas, sunset as well as the lively city. What more could I ask for. I won't even complain about my crippling knees! No matter what, I will surely come back, with different companions... a livelier and happier companions.. just to enjoy the moment more. If you know what I mean. Regardless!

At this very moment, I kinda feel like I'm at an intersection. Life intersection. I've been wanting to do something for a long long time but never get around it. An escape. An escape from a sometimes torturous world I live in. An escape that would change life forever. It could be bad or it could be good. Though I believe it is good for me. I truly believe it is good for me. But it is not that simple. It could be a long painful process, or maybe a short one if agreeable by the other party. I believe I deserve this. I believe it will be good for everyone. It could be a lonely road to trudge, but hey, if it means a peaceful life, I want to go through it, The question is do I dare to take the step. Is there a strong enough reason in the eye of the world I live in, in the eye of the law... that is what made me hesitate. BUT other people are not in my shoes, they wouldn't know the real truth, let alone know why I'm doing it. My life seemed to be almost perfect on the outside but only me and god knows the real truth. 

I'm still planning in my head, trying to find the best way for this escape. It may not be an escape, rather it's a journey to a new life that I wanted so much. At this age, truth is, it is an almost impossible step to take. But I will never know unless I tried. Nothing is ever too late in life. You decide. It is your life. 

Indeed writing is a therapy. I feel much better after I've penned it down. Even if it doesn't happen, at least I know, I've a got a plan. 

O Allah, give me the strength to go through this. Show me the right path. Only You will make it happen, only You know if this is the best!

The life that is beyond me

 Life is often reflected as a cycle. Babies to toddlers to kids to teens to adults to senior citizens and .. back to kids and babies again? Depends.. some people do go to that extent of life. I pray that I will not. I pray that if I were to die, I hope my death will be a quick one.. without any prolong illness, without having to go through the "baby" stage where people around me have to care for me. I pray that I will die in good faith, a peaceful one not in a horrifying and bloody one. I pray that I will be able to utter the shahadah before my last breath. I pray that my eldest will lead the last rite for me. Ahhh so much hope I have thought about.. I pray that God will grant all of it.

As I have reached this point of life, the life before me always come reflected in front of me ... how I wasted or enjoyed my youth, how I chose my life to be what it is today. How many opportunities that I have let go, how many opportunities I have grabbed. And yet, truth to be told, all these have been destined to be. Allah is the best planner. There should be NO whatifs. There should be no regret since these are all Allah's plans. No matter how much you want it to be different, Allah knows best and he has planned it as such even though it is not to your liking, but it is the best for you. I have  thought about it over and over again, what if I have chosen the other road, how would life be? But yeah, it remains a thought. I am not one who dares enough to make drastic change in my life.. no I'm not. I am the one who faces come what may.. not daring enough to get out. I don't know.. I just don't have the strength!

And even where the children are concerned, I now leave all to Allah. It is beyond me to control what's happening in their lives once they reached their independence. I wish they can stay as they were before, asking me for permission and advice. That's no longer the case. I wish and wish they are still my babies. It hurts to think that they might even dislike me. Then again, I have no power and control over them anymore. Hence, I leave it all to Allah. I pray that things will go their way, I pray that they will love me unconditionally just as I love them, I pray that they will remain in their iman, that they maintain their faith. I pray that they will have a better life as compared to me. I pray they will meet all the good people in their lives, meet a good loving partner who will lead them to jannah. I pray for all the good things going their way. And even if they face challenges in life, they know how to handle it well. 

I can be the spectator of their lives, whether or not they allow me to step in their lives, I wouldn't know. My heart is heavy with so much love for them. And I hope they love me too. 

This is one emotional post that I hope my children will be able to read someday when I am gone. No I don't wish to go so soon.. there are so much more I want to do in life. But at this very moment I'm feeling very tired of 'life's affairs' that I feel like being shut down is OK .. though I'm wayyy from being ready!